Suffocating in doubt

Hi all...sorry it's been soooo long. I had every intention to write while I was recovering but then my 5 weeks off work went by in a blur and here I am. It's been a pretty bad summer....one of the worsts yet.

Here it goes:

1.) My grandfather died 2 weeks ago to his battle with cancer. I flew back for the funeral and it was all surreal. It's not really real to me and I think it's weird that I haven't cried, really cried, since my hysterical sobbing at the cemetery. Christmas is not going to be the same nor is my life. From being an active, hilarious, golf playing, world traveling grandfather to one that I would speak to laying in a hospital bed to weak to even carry on a 2 minute conversation (that killed me). I must have done all of my crying the 2 weeks before his death but I still tear up. I'm just sad that my future husband* and children will never know such a hilarious man.

2.) I'm healing fine. I can now work out and am walking around normal but still have a tiny pooch that will go down with exercise and still a little sore. I'm glad the doctor got all the fibroids out but stressed to know I have endometrosis which also effects getting pregnant. Which I'm not and even if I was trying...which leads me to

3.) Boys. I could have really used bear hugs and back rubs during this time (of my grandfather) but boys basically suck right now. Have I told you how sick I am of guys promising me the world and then not delivering? Well, I am. And I just feel like I'm not worth the effort for these guys to be in a relationship. I went out with Safa and his friends and after chatting and a few cocktails I learned that surprise surprise he's not going to Bali anytime soon and when I asked him why we weren't dating then (since that was his reason for bailing) he said he was "comfy". Can I tell you how much I HATE that word? So basically he's comfortable hanging out with his friends and drinking and doesn't feel like I'm worth the effort. I'm also sick of having communication via text/email only in between seeing them in person. You can't build a relationship on this. I also don't know what to do with "I haven't counted you out (dating you)" said by another bozo. Then get off your flipping ass and actually date me.

I know what I want out of life but I'm overwhelmed with fear of getting cancer, not finding my soul mate and having kids (at a reasonable age). I'm also stressed with the time difference and trying to connect with my friends to find out how their lives are going...and I know it shouldn't be all on me to make the effort but I'm the one that chose to live here.

A little down in the dumps, which is not to say that I'm not going out...which I am a lot actually. Trying to keep myself occupied with friends and work. I just hope time heals all of this and I can be truly happy sans medication.

Broken

Sorry it's been a while. I've been feeling under the weather for a while now...well literally I have the flu but emotionally I'm depressed. I don't know if it was my 30th birthday (last week) that brought this on or the whole break up thing but it's here.

While I was home I saw my family doctor and she gave me meds to help. I vowed never to get back on them (I had a bought with anxiety and depression in college after my childhood friend died suddenly in a car accident and I didn't know how to deal with it). But in this case, it's just needed. I'm not myself. I'm not eating (on the bright side I've lost 10 pounds and I'm wearing pants loosely that used to only give me a camel toe). I'm not sleeping. I'm distracted. My friends and family notice and I'm not being the person that I want to be. It's getting better now that I've been on the pills but I still need to work on letting go of trying to control every aspect of my life.

Horoscope

You're getting sick of the scenery around you -- it's time to make travel plans.

Nailed it. Luckily, I am going to be able to change the scenery and be distracted for a while. I leave tomorrow for Houston to be a bridesmaid in my good friend's wedding on Saturday. I'm only there for the weekend so I will be thrown into running around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to get everything done - bridal luncheons, rehearsal dinners, manicures/pedicures, shopping! I'm in a funk and I think being around family and friends (that actually think I'm great) will help.

It's like a dark cloud is following me around and I need to remove myself from the situation(s) and recharge my batteries. I hope to come back and start acting like myself again because even I'm getting sick of me.

A league of their own

Last night, while volunteering at our annual Junior League charity fundraiser, I found myself surrounded by women (my age) living the life I've always wanted. They sported they're ginormous Tiffany's rocks and talked about the men behind the diamonds that adore them. Living their perfect lives, with their perfect husbands, in their perfect flats, with their gorgeous, perfect 2.5 children, going on their perfect holidays, in their perfect clothes, with their perfect hair.

I just want an ounce of that (the love part) but instead I sabotage anything good that comes my way.

I hope one day to be a part of that "league" but right now it all seems very doubtful.

Daggers and Tears

I'm going through a roller coaster of emotions. One minute I'm fine and have the everything happens for a reason attitude. The next I'm teary and don't understand the universe and the hurt that I'm going through. It didn't help that today, Graham's old cube mate asked how he was doing and I said that I wasn't sure. The guy literally acted like someone DIED. He was so sorry and didn't understand since we were getting on so well. Me either, I wanted to say but didn't.

What I don't understand is how someone could tell me that they were willing to give it a second try then disappear (aside from an email from his new work) then respond back to my email a week later and accept plans to meet up only to send another (harsh) email saying: I don't see this going anywhere. I don't feel the chemistry that I look for in a long term thing. I don't know what else to say. Don't you know if there is chemistry or not in the first month not THREE months? And wouldn't you think he could have spoken up to tell me this when he had plenty of opportunities to do so? It's my very own version of Carrie Bradshaw's post it note break up. What goes through a guy's head to be so impersonal after 3 months of dating that he can just toss me aside like that and just disappear into the sunset without ever looking back? I can understand an email after a month of casual dating but that...it baffles me. Of course I wrote back: You could start by not breaking up with someone over the phone or again over email at flipping work. I'm sorry you couldn't be a 34 year old man and do it the proper way. Maybe in your next endeavor you won't lead people on either. I'm also sorry that you feel this way and couldn't give it the second chance it deserved. No wonder you're still not married. Add all of the confusing things about marriage and kids (we walked by a daycare his last week and he said "our kids can go there" wtf?) Screw with my head much?

I just want to fast forward and get over it already but it's only been a week and I'm just sad at what could have been but pissed at the person he turned out to be. And equally furious that it was all over an email.

Another one bites the dust

I'm not going to lie, these past 2 weeks have been hard. Filled with anxiety and panic attacks and control issues. But it's done. And Graham and I are no longer. I'm not sure when or where it all went wrong but it just was not to be. And I think I held onto it longer than I should because of the lines he fed me on the future and being on the same page, etc. I wasn't in love with him but in love with the idea of being in love with him. Something just wasn't clicking and I thought it was because we were spending too much time together and if he was at his new job it would be different but now I see that wasn't the case. He ticked all of my boxes:
cute
smart
funny
good dresser
good family values
older
educated
cultured
tall
successful
etc.

Except one. It felt forced and not effortless. And in the end I saw his true character and selfishness.

And I know I'll find this again with someone else but it just stings a little and I'm trying to work through it. I'm also slightly freaking out because I turn 30 in 30 days and I have nothing to show for it. (I thought I'd be married with 3 kids by the time I was 30). Plus I'm in a wedding with all of my close friends in a couple of weeks and I'm still the single girl in the room waiting to catch the bouquet -with the failed relationships under her belt.

I'm already picking up the pieces (deleted him from my phone, erased emails, his songs on my ipod) and I'm trying to sort through everything so that I don't dwell too long. It will take time and I will survive...I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Solidification

So I'm tanked from my date with Nate. I thought it would be fairly sober but it wasnt't... and it was fun but i can't help but thinking what i did on Saturday night that you guys would sooooooo not approve of. So after mugging down on the balcony of Kiwi's place, I said my goodbyes and came home but looked up a certain number that i hadn't called in a very long time and happened to speak to for an hour. Alot of things triggered me to call him and the conversation went something like this:
"I look for you every where"
"You're a liar, you're not going back to Oz anytime soon...wtf?"
"Is it really you? I'm disgusting (from Monica from Friends when they find a nude photo of her and she says 'I'm Monica, I'm disgusting' yeah, I kept saying I'm disgusting which he totally didn't get. I was disgusting because I totally made out with someone 20 minutes before hand and then called him..."I'm disgusting.... "
"I want to see you again....Do you want to see me?"
To which he responded, "Yeah, I want to see the new Gucci bag" (at his old company he could have gotten me a discount)....I told him since he works for [Posh Department Store] he would have to get me a discount on the matching wallet. WTF?
"Don't blow smoke up my ass and tell me you're going to call...if you're not going to call just say it" to which he said "i'm going to call you this week....promise".

I am disgusting. I've been drinking with Nate since 2pm (it's 9pm now) and I'm wasted.

I've been on egg shells since my phone call with Kanger and giddy and breaking into hysterics becuase it was so ridiculous then Wednesday came around and his promise of calling me during the week was not around so I went into depression...but I also had Nate texting me and was otherwise distracted..I can't make someone hang out with me. Even if technically I'm secretly in love with him and don't know what to do.... it's somewhat insane...but that's just me.... i just made out with Nate at the bar and we went our seperate ways.... but i miss kanger ahhhhhhhhhhh.....

so i just called kanger from getting his number from my yahoo folder and some chick answered...(he's not dating anyone because in the hour that he filled me in on everything at 3am last saturday, he made the mistake of telling me this information)...so i hung up and texted..."are you 12? having you're friends answer...i've been drinking since 2pm on a date....and you can't give me 2 point 2? am i that awful?" and nothing folks. *UPDATE (He texted back at 1.30am _ "not sure what you mean by your text. hope you had fun on your date." WTF? it woke me up and i tried to call to redeem myself not crazy...ironic, eh? but no answer of course... do I write back to that? Mandy says no but if I absolutely must to write "I won't bother you again") thus he is 12 with a 5 year old daughter and i don't know why i do this to myself but i did. i've now erased his number in my hidden yahoo.com account folder and but am now back to the psycho that i was last august. i'm feeling sooooo good about myself. the only thing that is saving me is memories of this evening with Nate being hoisted on a post and wrapping my legs around him to kiss him (nothing else happened), only to be totally caught by the people that live in the flat we were making out in front of. i'm glad he went to his mate's party...but i so didn't need to come home and do this. ...what the eff is wrong with me???

Times up...but not really

Well, Lent is over and I'm officially/unofficially on the market again. The 40 days and 40 nights were actually really good for me. It made me see what I want out of a relationship.

Don't hate but I met up with Skully at the beginning of Lent (only because I saw him at work and decided that we could be friends, for work sake). I was reminded yet again why I'm not supposed to be with him - because he's a high strung ass - but I might have had a weak moment of kissing (the 3 glasses of wine made me do it and the devil). I quickly snapped out of it when I remembered that 1) he has a girlfriend he dumped me for and 2) I am sick of being the flipping side dish. I deserve to be the main course! So I asked him to leave and told him we couldn't be friends. I feel sorry for his girlfriend though. Lots of stuff could have gone way further but call me crazy for not wanting to feel like shit the morning after. Enough is finally enough.

I stayed on Lent for an additional day to repent for my slip up!

Anyway, I took the time to finally grieve over Kanger - I know pathetic - but it was much needed since there were the band-aids distracting me. Now I don't look for him everywhere I go in the city and my Facebook "browsing" has been kept in check, which is a huge fete.

So I'm ready. I'm not actively pursuing anything but I'm ready. I know I will feel that way about someone again. I don't need to rush anything because, big news, I'm in the process of negotiating to stay here permanently (the work stress I was vague about a few weeks ago).

I'm just going to let life happen. I've booked up my calendar with fun friend activities and who knows who I might meet while doing them!!!

Baby's got blue skies up ahead...

This Tuesday is much better. The future looks and feels better. My mini freak-out subsided (but lingering ever so slightly) and I've been working things out, mostly in my head.

So my outlook on life is good and I'm concentrating on trying to just go with the flow when I hit a road block.

*Don't worry, I'm still on hiatus and currently listening (on repeat) the Garden State soundtrack.

Erasure

You know what's the devil?....FACEBOOK. It tells you all sorts of jems, like a certain someone is still in London after telling me he was moving back to Australia in December and a certain outing at a club that happens to be 2 stops away from me in a month that he will be attending -don't worry I will not be making a drop by- that's a little psy-cho even for me. And I know I need to mentally ship him off and physically STOP checking. It's not healthy I know this and I vow to stop but wanted to give you insight into the crazy.

I did however make a HUGE step and erase all emails to and from him that were in one of my inbox folders. The emails are almost a year old and need to be trashed. High time to do some spring cleaning...on my heart. (say cheese)

I'm looking for a relationship that sounds like a Joshua Radin song (again) . Is that so hard to ask?

*Still on hiatus...just shifting through the shit. (I feel if I put this patheticness out to the internet/universe I will feel ashamed and stop - my very own nicorette patch).

Cog has left the building (and my bed)

Cog's last day was today. We were supposed to meet up last night but it didn't happen, mainly because he was hammered and I didn't feel like traveling 40 minutes to babysit a 43 year-old child.

I've been seeing the Cog for about three months now. And by seeing we all know that means just sex. I thought I could do it but I can't. I need commitment and plans.

We said goodbye this morning at work and he said he'd call, but my gut feeling is that he won't and if he did it would only be for one thing and I can't do that anymore. I've been feeling myself drop into a bit of a depression. I cry for no reason, I can't eat and I try to control every aspect of my life, which only makes things worse.

I wrote Cog an email (shocker) to end things once and for all (amicably of course, since he'll still be in the same industry and I don't need him to spread around what we did). I was balling my eyes out when I wrote it, which is strange because the whole time we were "together", I knew things would never escalate. I could never introduce him to my parents and friends as my boyfriend. He has an eight-year-old child and did I mention that he still lives with his ex-girlfriend. Yeah, I'm sure nothing still goes on there. So fucked up, right? I think I was balling more that no relationships, even casual ones, seem to work out for me.

I'm also upset that I let it go on for so long knowing all of these details. I only ever saw him during the week and it was very sporadic. He really is a fun and adventurous guy. I did things I wouldn't have dreamed of doing. He is more of a bad boy and I think that's why I hung on for so long.

I also needed a distraction from thinking of Kanger - which I forgot to mention (that when we played tennis he told me) his baby mama is preggers with some dude's baby and getting married but hasn't even told Kanger about it. He learned about it from his four-year-old daughter. How fucked up is that and in a way how fucked up has that probably made Kanger in the head? He's on his 2 month European adventure now and, sadly, I still think about him. In case you don't know me by now, my name is Texas Cinderella and I have issues with letting go.

I'm reading books on how to trust the Universe and that certain people come into your life on purpose because they're a type of stepping stone to get you to where you're going in life. So essentially everything happens for a reason. I just wish it wasn't so painful when they left.

Now if only I could let go (of the control) and actually start trusting.

Rage against the Machine (ie Cell phone)

What if after 3 glasses of wine (when your limit is clearly 1 glass when no dinner is involved) with the COG (for the second night in a row) you do something crazy. Like somehow find a certain phone number even though you erased it from your phonebook and were very thorough to delete it from your text message inbox and outbox. But by sheer luck the number still sits in your received call log from the time you missed his call weeks ago*.

And what if you start texting on the tube back to your flat, like a mad person and saying everything that is possibly in your head about the situation and when you run out of room you send that text and start a new one, this time to fill him in on what you've been doing since he was too much of a rudeass to ask last time. And you tell him he was a rudeass too. You tell him where you're living now and that you are going home in July for your 10 year high school reunion and that you are even going to Ibiza, so there. And what if you get a text back saying "easy tiger" and that sends you even more over the edge and into crying hysterics that you try calling but of course the phone is not picked up on his end so you text that this is a shock that he isn't answering. Of course sarcastically.

You call your friends back home for them to talk you down off of this alcohol induced ledge only to receive a text that he's at a pub and will call you tomorrow. You be a smart ass and text back that you won't hold your breath on that one and that you really need to talk to him.

So he calls. And you say everything that is on your mind...you know reiterating what was said in already in drunken text and say that the whole situation was just fucked up. And that you were suppose to go back to the states and that it was the wine talking about being exclusive. And the day he stood you up for tennis you felt you were way too nice and basically "just bent over and took it". And somehow you talk about his trip to Australia which he leaves for on Friday and how he's going to see his daughter and la la la- normal conversation and all the while, he never hears you cry. He then tells you that you will play tennis when he gets back and you tell him not to blow smoke up your ass. Which makes him laugh. But let's face it, your psychotic episode pretty much guarantees you will not be getting a phone call when he gets back.

And it makes you sad. Because although finally talking to him after all this time is really what you needed, by showing your real self and your potty mouth that you usually kept in check with him, you know that this is officially over. For real. The opportunity lost forever. And only the handful of memories remain.

*very rarely do I get calls (unless I'm dating someone and clearly that is NOT the case right now) on my "mobile"...everything seems to be about text messages to make plans here...therefore why his missed call is still in my phone from the beginning of June.

Letting Go

I wish I could tell you how tennis and catching up with Kanger was today. But I can't. Yes Kanger talked about playing all week, even called me about it (which I'm kicking myself for missing) but when the actual day rolled around, he was no where to be seen* or heard.

In the back of my mind I knew this was going to happen. Or not happen. So much for positive thinking.

Sure I was going to let it go and see if/when he contacted me to give me some excuse for his absence. But no. I'm not wired that way. I want to know reasons right then and there, so I texted him : Looks like I win by default.

I should have added: And you lose. You lose an amazing friend. But I didn't want to be too dramatic.

He texted me back that (at 4:30) he was just getting up and feeling terrible from the night before and he was sorry he missed our match.

It's called setting an alarm or not making plans for the next day if you anticipate a rough night out.

I told him no worries that I went victory shopping (which I did) instead but that I was looking forward to catching up. I hoped that he felt better and that if he wanted a rematch he should let me know but the ball was in his court.

I'm upset, yes, that after 2 months I didn't get to see him and catch up. It seems like a lot is going on with him and I'm still interested in his life. At this point I don't think I will ever see or hear from him again and that makes me sad. But at the same time, I don't deserve to be dicked around by someone that claims they want to be friends. I deserve to have someone equally interested in my life.

And honestly, if I were to have seen him today I think old feelings would have come up and started the heartache all over again and I don't really need that. It's been a long road with me trying to get over him but this time I'm actually going to do it.

First step: number deleted from phone...for real this time. I don't need it a) for a reminder of him when I scroll through my directory b) for drunken text messages.

As I stood at the top of Trafalgar Square steps this afternoon, with tears creeping down from under my sunglasses, I looked around at all of the happy couples and realized I deserve to be in an equal, loving relationship.

Like Mandy always says, if you were able to find something with someone you weren't meant to be with, imagine how it's going to be when you find the person you are supposed to be with. I'm thinking pretty amazing.

And now I'm finally ready to get out there again and find him.

*Just in case you're picturing me waiting by a set of tennis courts, checking my phone, and pacing anxiously back and forth, it didn't go down that way. We had a tentative time to meet somewhere-yet to be figured out- at around 3ish. Well you know the rest.

Already started the process (Updated)

So I haven't heard from Kanger since Sunday when we parted on the train. So, I'm guessing (insert sarcasm here) that we aren't getting together tomorrow night for musical and sleep over. I just wish he would have told me it's not going to work instead of let me string you along and break your heart a little at a time. I'm so broken right now.

Why did I meet him and why did I fall so hard and let my guard down just to find out that he has baggage and could never give me what I needed out of a mate because his heart is already with someone else? But why make all these plans with me, ie tennis, musical, movies, etc. Why not just phase me out like normal people or actually say we can't date. Why was he even brought into my life. Isn't one heartache in the last 6 months enough?

And why is it that no matter which way I leave my flat I will be reminded of him. Turn right and it's [Kanger's Lastname] Avenue. Turn left and it's Kanger's company. Awesome, right? I have plans to go to my favorite pub on Saturday with friends and hopefully that will left my spirits.

*UPDATE*: When I got back from lunch today I received this email from Kanger. I think it's the closure I was looking for but I'm still sad things didn't work out and that he's a babydaddy. I would like to try to be friends with him so we will see how that goes on his effort and not mine.

Hey Texas,

How are you? Today has been better for me as I wasn’t at work yesterday (sick). I had time to think things through and what we spoke about on Sunday night. I’m sorry for putting this in an email but I find it’s the best way I communicate at times. I can’t commit myself to a relationship here given the uncertainty & given that you are a nice person I don’t want to hurt you as you have been in the past. I feel we both have some reservations & I guess it’s not a great way to get a relationship going. I still do want to stay friends & catch up, e.g. the long awaited tennis match (hopefully you won’t hit me with the racquet) and drinks etc but I just don’t think I’m ready for a relationship.

Kanger

This is what I replied:

Hey Kanger,

I hope you're feeling better. Thanks for being upfront and honest with me - I totally understand and agree with everything. I think you're a great guy and we always have so much fun and therefore would like very much to remain friends, too.

I hope you have an awesome time in Turkey! Would enjoy catching up about your trip over the infamous tennis match when you return - which I will win royally, of course! Safe travels and I'll talk to you (beat you) soon.

Texas

So the ball is in his proverbial court to be friends. In the meantime, I will be going out and meeting new boys this weekend!

Beginning of Heartbreak (Updated)

Things are getting back to normal now that the fam has left London and my business trip is complete. Things with Kanger on the other hand still baffle me.

I didn't hear from him for a whole week and decided as a last ditch effort I would email him in case he thought I was pissed about him cancelling on me the previous weekend. (Series of emails between us-easier than paraphrasing).

From: Texas Cinderella
Sent: 10 April 2007
To: Kanger
Subject: Hello
Hey,
I hope you had a great holiday weekend. I just shipped the fam back home after having an awesome time with them-it's been a busy week of sightseeing and crazy antics! It was sad to see them go but now I'm able to enjoy my new flat (sans suitcases everywhere)! Just wanted to say hi and I hope you're having a good day.
TC

From: Kanger
Sent: 11 April 2007
To: Texas Cinderella
Subject: RE: Hello


Hi Texas,
I'm well after a great relaxing weekend. I didn't go away but had fun at the boat race. I've finally started my healthy eating & fitness program and I'm now leaving work between 5:30 & 6 everyday (well so far I did yesterday - work hasn't been the greatest lately)

It's great that you enjoyed the time with your mum and aunt. So how's the new place?
Sorry for not keeping in touch recently - I figured you'd have your hands full with your relatives.

From: Texas Cinderella
Sent: 11 April 2007 22:20
To: Kanger
Subject: RE: Hello

Sorry to hear work is still giving you troubles but good you are getting into some sort of normal routine. Hopefully they hired someone to help. The new place is good, although I've only spent one night there without peeps the day I moved in -I had to pop down to Paris for a meeting today but will be back to London Thursday morning- brutal business travel! We should totally catch up soon...

From: Kanger
Sent: 12 April 2007
To: Texas Cinderella
Subject: RE: Hello

Work is starting to pick up & leaving at a reasonable hour is helping.
Aren't we a little jet setter - 'off to Paris'. So how was Paris?

We should catch up - possibly that game of tennis I was going to win.

I've booked to go to the Grand National (horse racing) on Saturday - bus leaves at 7:30am & gets back to London 10:30pm.

To: Kanger
Sent: 12 April 2007
From: Texas Cinderella
Subject: RE: Hello

Such the jet setter! Paris was good but the meeting was killer. Glad to be back though.

If you call the score that’s going to be 6-0, 6-0 (advantage me, of course) “winning”- then bring it on! Just to warn you, I’ve been practicing and it’s ALL coming back to me. Scared yet? There is always that “Summer of ‘69” movie…(Reluctantly, advantage you).

The Grand National sounds like lots of fun! I remember you telling me about it. Who are you going with?

So he texted me later that night (his text came up 1 new message from Dick-that's about right):

K: How was your day? I just left work and I'm waiting for a haircut. i think i may let my tennis do the talking. i booked grand national with the tour group i'm going to turkey with. No1 was keen for the big trip so i just booked for myself. it's on my list of things to do in the uk

Being so utterly confused because he's been saying he's going to Turkey with his best friend and meeting a tour there I texted him:

TC: my day was busy but good considering the lack of sleep i've had. i'm so confused...i thought you were going to turkey with dave on a tour...you already know the people you're touring with? and who is Nol? hope the haircut went well and let me know when you would like to be defeated..

K: yeah dave and i are going to turkey together with a group called the fanatics. that's the group i'm off to grand national with and it was no-one. as 4 tennis i''m still yet to buy my racquet- mite b a sunday shopping job. then the games will begin. we'll have to do the movie soon as well.

Okay so I looked up this Fanatics group and it's basically an Australian run company that has crazy drinking tours with people our age. There goes my theory he would be with geriatrics for 9 days in Turkey. Awesome. And as far as no one being "keen" in going to grand nationals? Hello? We had a full conversation about how I like horse racing in my bed in which HE stayed for 12 hours.

TC: hmmm....got it. sometimes slow on the uptake of texting words. so you already met your tour group? if you need help picking out your racket Sunday let me know -or perhaps we could catch a movie...?

Silence and crickets yet again.

What the fuck is his deal? I'm so confused. He says he wants to do all these things with me (tennis and movie) yet no concrete plans are being made, hince my Sunday suggestion. And I think he leaves to go to Turkey in like a week. So if we don't see each other it will be over a month. OVER A MONTH since the last time we hung out. Who does that? Who spends an amazing 24 hours together and then pulls this shit. There is a process Kanger.

And the worst part is that I really like him...don't like how he's treating me right now but like him as a person and his personality when it's not Dick. So if and when he gets back to be to be vague again about getting together I'm going to tell him plain and simple that I don't play games that I know that we both had a blast the last time we hung out and am confused as to why he has a 180 turn around. Fuck it. Life is too short to wonder why. I'm all about closure and I have a feeling I'll have it soon. Sadness. I've lost my appetite. This is what happens when I get depressed-on the plus side my clothes are fitting rather nicely.

I'm sick of putting myself out there to have it all ripped from under me. And I'm sick of being tossed aside without the other person thinking of my feelings...have some tact.

UPDATE: Friday: So he texted me back that shopping on Sunday would be great and that we should have a late lunch to catch up. I haven't responded yet but I know I will go. But I WILL have my guard way up.

Saturday: He drunk dialed me from the Grand National and left a message...something about who sings the summer of '69 I think you might know. At least he's thinking of me while wasted.