Goodbyes

You know what really sucks? Losing another grandparent in the span of six months and having to say goodbye to your 90 year-old grandmother because she's "ready to go". She's been in the hospital since Monday and isn't eating or drinking and the doctors have called in Hospice. It's also heartbreaking to speak with your bawling father on the phone while he watches his mother slip away.

I remember climbing onto her plump lap as a little girl and using her massive boobs as pillows and inhaling her distinct "Mimi" smell of Avon Skin So Soft and peppermint oil. Where she use to be twice my size, she's now smaller than I am and wasting away.

I know she's looking forward to seeing my grandfather, who died 7 years ago, in Heaven but she will be missed by her four children, eight grandchildren and eight great-grandchildren.

Let your net always be cast and in the pool in which you least expect, there will be a fish.
-Ovid

Needed: Permanent Spare Tire

This weekend was chill. I won 6 tickets to Redbull's Flugtag in Hyde Park and invited Harris, Morgan and her husband and Caroline and her boyfriend of 4 years. It was very entertaining and the weather was nice - always a bonus. And today I finally went to see Sex and the City with Caroline and her boyfriend (I asked Caroline earlier in the week and for some reason the BF wanted to tag along..wtf?). It was cute but not as good as I thought that it was going to be. Some parts were super cheese and me, ironically, being all about the cheese, just didn't like those parts.

Can I just say, that I never want to be that couple that fights in public. Caroline and her boyfriend bickered both afternoons and then they would go the other extreme when they "made up" and be all over each other. Either way, it was highly uncomfortable. It just seems sooo unhealthy. Yuck!

At least I'm seeing what I don't want in a relationship.

I also know I want a relationship. Especially after Harris (I invited him to balance out the guy/girl ratio and things are back to just friends) went home before the others, leaving me with the marrieds (which are cool and not all over each other) and the uncomfortable couple. I just felt like the 5th wheel...again.

When will I become part of an official pair with my very own built-in buddy system?

Case in point update: I just found out that Joshua Radin is playing in London on Tuesday night and I need someone last minute to go with me. Someone that isn't tied to boyfriends, husbands or even girlfriends but tied to me, because we're a "team". I really want to go and can't unless I feel like being that creepy girl ALL BY HERSELF!!!! I've asked everyone and no dice. Argh!

Gone

Well, no update on the Nate situation. It seems he's done a runner and I won't be hearing from him again. Because who really doesn't wish you a safe trip and surgery, even as a friend? (Update: I got a text this morning while getting ready for the airport: Have a good trip. I think I'm just going to text back: Thanks. And leave it at that). Next. Oh but Nate, thanks for all of the 10th grade dry humping...I really enjoyed it. And no, that doesn't happen to everyone and it IS a problem.

I'm over it.

Anyway, I leave tomorrow morning for H-Town and after I arrive I'll have t-minus 12 hours before I go under the knife. Yikes! Super nervous about it but in the long run it will be okay. Plus I'll be able to breathe and (hopefully) not snore when I'm sleeping next to my Prince Charming someday. I know he's out there but the universe just wants me to busy myself with a bunch of frogs at the moment. At least it makes for some decent stories.

In the meantime, I'm looking forward to busying myself with family and friends for the next couple of weeks - I plan to milk being "the patient" for all it's worth!

Isn't it Ironic

Nate and I just had another marathon date and it was good if not ironic.

Earlier in the week, he suggested we go to a show on Saturday night and asked which one I was interested in seeing. I said Avenue Q...I was supposed to go with Kanger way back when and that of course feel through. So I figured, with the encouragement of Mandy, to make new memories with Nate.

The show was fantastic and when it let out at 11pm, we decided to hit up O'Neills in Leicester Square since it stays open late night. We were about to walk in the bar when we randomly decided we should go to the Walkabout instead. (Full of Nate's fellow Kiwi's and Australians).

Who do I run into right when we walk in? Kanger. Waiting by the women's restroom, obviously for someone. It was surreal. Like everything was in slow motion. The face you've been searching in crowds, bars, on the tube for the past nine months is standing right in front of you and it takes awhile to finally focus and realize it was indeed the face and not your imagination.

We said hi to each other and it's pretty fuzzy what else was said. How are you? Lots of awkwardness - we were both very aware that the door to the restroom could have opened at any minute to reveal Kanger's newest conquest and he, I'm sure was fearful of the drama that could potentially arise from me. A Kanger and Nate introduction (Nate looked hot with his 2 day five o'clock shadow and button down shirt...I think they had the same shirt on!) and then a "well it was good seeing you" pleasantry from me before I exited stage right with Nate in tow. I was a little too sober for that encounter (read: shaking like a leaf) and needed a stiff drink. I don't think the exchange was too obvious because Nate didn't even ask me how I knew Kanger.

I later located him and his friends while Nate and I were dancing and the mystery girl he was waiting for. So not cute. And I'm 100% sure, has NO clue about the daughter in Australia and the baby mama drama. Bless her heart. (I saw them leave together so I'm pretty sure it's not just his friend).

I don't know. I thought seeing him again was going to be different. (At least I was looking good in a low cut black top, grey mini and black high boots with pattern tights.) Like my heart would be all pinning. But no feelings. Just, huh. I think things would have been different if Nate wouldn't have been at my side. But the calls that happened 3 weeks ago couldn't be discussed and that hung in the air like a thick cloud. But I'm over it. And seeing him actually made me appreciate being with Nate more. Someone who actually wants to spend time with me and get to know me and wants to hold me and not just at arms length.

Solidification

So I'm tanked from my date with Nate. I thought it would be fairly sober but it wasnt't... and it was fun but i can't help but thinking what i did on Saturday night that you guys would sooooooo not approve of. So after mugging down on the balcony of Kiwi's place, I said my goodbyes and came home but looked up a certain number that i hadn't called in a very long time and happened to speak to for an hour. Alot of things triggered me to call him and the conversation went something like this:
"I look for you every where"
"You're a liar, you're not going back to Oz anytime soon...wtf?"
"Is it really you? I'm disgusting (from Monica from Friends when they find a nude photo of her and she says 'I'm Monica, I'm disgusting' yeah, I kept saying I'm disgusting which he totally didn't get. I was disgusting because I totally made out with someone 20 minutes before hand and then called him..."I'm disgusting.... "
"I want to see you again....Do you want to see me?"
To which he responded, "Yeah, I want to see the new Gucci bag" (at his old company he could have gotten me a discount)....I told him since he works for [Posh Department Store] he would have to get me a discount on the matching wallet. WTF?
"Don't blow smoke up my ass and tell me you're going to call...if you're not going to call just say it" to which he said "i'm going to call you this week....promise".

I am disgusting. I've been drinking with Nate since 2pm (it's 9pm now) and I'm wasted.

I've been on egg shells since my phone call with Kanger and giddy and breaking into hysterics becuase it was so ridiculous then Wednesday came around and his promise of calling me during the week was not around so I went into depression...but I also had Nate texting me and was otherwise distracted..I can't make someone hang out with me. Even if technically I'm secretly in love with him and don't know what to do.... it's somewhat insane...but that's just me.... i just made out with Nate at the bar and we went our seperate ways.... but i miss kanger ahhhhhhhhhhh.....

so i just called kanger from getting his number from my yahoo folder and some chick answered...(he's not dating anyone because in the hour that he filled me in on everything at 3am last saturday, he made the mistake of telling me this information)...so i hung up and texted..."are you 12? having you're friends answer...i've been drinking since 2pm on a date....and you can't give me 2 point 2? am i that awful?" and nothing folks. *UPDATE (He texted back at 1.30am _ "not sure what you mean by your text. hope you had fun on your date." WTF? it woke me up and i tried to call to redeem myself not crazy...ironic, eh? but no answer of course... do I write back to that? Mandy says no but if I absolutely must to write "I won't bother you again") thus he is 12 with a 5 year old daughter and i don't know why i do this to myself but i did. i've now erased his number in my hidden yahoo.com account folder and but am now back to the psycho that i was last august. i'm feeling sooooo good about myself. the only thing that is saving me is memories of this evening with Nate being hoisted on a post and wrapping my legs around him to kiss him (nothing else happened), only to be totally caught by the people that live in the flat we were making out in front of. i'm glad he went to his mate's party...but i so didn't need to come home and do this. ...what the eff is wrong with me???

Times up...but not really

Well, Lent is over and I'm officially/unofficially on the market again. The 40 days and 40 nights were actually really good for me. It made me see what I want out of a relationship.

Don't hate but I met up with Skully at the beginning of Lent (only because I saw him at work and decided that we could be friends, for work sake). I was reminded yet again why I'm not supposed to be with him - because he's a high strung ass - but I might have had a weak moment of kissing (the 3 glasses of wine made me do it and the devil). I quickly snapped out of it when I remembered that 1) he has a girlfriend he dumped me for and 2) I am sick of being the flipping side dish. I deserve to be the main course! So I asked him to leave and told him we couldn't be friends. I feel sorry for his girlfriend though. Lots of stuff could have gone way further but call me crazy for not wanting to feel like shit the morning after. Enough is finally enough.

I stayed on Lent for an additional day to repent for my slip up!

Anyway, I took the time to finally grieve over Kanger - I know pathetic - but it was much needed since there were the band-aids distracting me. Now I don't look for him everywhere I go in the city and my Facebook "browsing" has been kept in check, which is a huge fete.

So I'm ready. I'm not actively pursuing anything but I'm ready. I know I will feel that way about someone again. I don't need to rush anything because, big news, I'm in the process of negotiating to stay here permanently (the work stress I was vague about a few weeks ago).

I'm just going to let life happen. I've booked up my calendar with fun friend activities and who knows who I might meet while doing them!!!

Erasure

You know what's the devil?....FACEBOOK. It tells you all sorts of jems, like a certain someone is still in London after telling me he was moving back to Australia in December and a certain outing at a club that happens to be 2 stops away from me in a month that he will be attending -don't worry I will not be making a drop by- that's a little psy-cho even for me. And I know I need to mentally ship him off and physically STOP checking. It's not healthy I know this and I vow to stop but wanted to give you insight into the crazy.

I did however make a HUGE step and erase all emails to and from him that were in one of my inbox folders. The emails are almost a year old and need to be trashed. High time to do some spring cleaning...on my heart. (say cheese)

I'm looking for a relationship that sounds like a Joshua Radin song (again) . Is that so hard to ask?

*Still on hiatus...just shifting through the shit. (I feel if I put this patheticness out to the internet/universe I will feel ashamed and stop - my very own nicorette patch).

Three-in-One

I'm finally feeling back to normal from my debauchery on Saturday night. Getting old blows! And speaking of getting old (I turn 30 in, oh, 9 flipping months), is the universe completely mocking me that three (yes three!) of my friends have gotten engaged in the last week? Insanity!

While I'm nothing but utterly happy for them, I can't help but wonder how everyone else's lives are passing me by and I'm on the remedial course.

*P.S. One of the disadvantages for living abroad - I don't get the screaming, happy "I'm engaged, this is how he did it..." phone call because it happens while I'm sound asleep or they can't call international. Sadness. :(

2008 - off to a bumpy start

I hope you all had a great holiday!

I'm back in the UK and and so glad to be back in my second home. I had a great time while at home for 2 weeks and an even awesomer time in San Francisco with Mandy. We were up to no good and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

I've been quiet lately because I'm afraid of the responses I would get about not following your advice of going on hiatus. And while I honestly tried, I couldn't help what happened next. Call me a fool or just a helpless romantic that is optimistic when it comes to love. I now call myself delusional.

It goes back to my birthday at the end of November. A few weeks before that, I had invited Skully to attend because I liked him. Long story short, my birthday celebration came and I avoided him trying to meet up with my friends and I like the plague. I wanted to enjoy my day without feeling like I had to babysit someone. And I really did have a blast with my friends. The next day however, I felt terrible that he waited for like an hour and a half for my friends and I to show up at the original meeting spot (I changed the venue at the last minute since it was raining). Since we work together, I didn't want there to be any hard feelings so I texted to tell him I was sorry that the wires got crossed. Somehow I got roped into meeting him for drinks with him and his brother's fiance that night. That's when my feelings changed. He was a real person with cute growing up stories. He seemed different to me. So he told me things were different now. (Before remember there was the whole love triangle scenario with his ex that I wanted no part of). I voiced my concern about it again and he reassured me that he broke up with her because he could never love her...plus she was a depressed, alcoholic and had jealousy issues.

So we hung out and he called when he said he would and we went to our company party and had a blast. He spent the entire weekend with me that weekend, never going home. Then after that he spent 95% of his nights at my place before I left for the states on the 21st and he left for a month long Moroccan surfing and France skiing adventure.

He called about 3 times the first week I was gone and right before New Year's when I was at the airport to go to San Fran. We had a good conversation and he said he would call in a couple of days.

A couple of days and a week and a half went by. Intuition is a powerful thing really. I can feel when something isn't right yet I try to tell myself that I'm just being negative. I should have listened from the beginning of my gut concern of him getting back together with the ex.

He called at noon today to tell me he couldn't see me anymore. And that he was in London and had been for a couple of days. He took so long to call because he had to pluck the courage to tell me that he had flown back to see N and that they weren't back together but they weren't not together and that it wasn't fair for me if he continued to see me. He did this while I was at flipping work. I'm now at home. Nothing productive would come out of me being there today really. I'm reflecting on my life choices more than him really.

But still gobsmacked.

But like the others, I'll survive....again. Please don't judge to harshly.

On a side note: I called Kanger (no answer) and had diarrhea of Facebook messages (no reply thank God!) on New Year's Eve night. Even had a cry fest with Mandy at 3am in the morning that I wanted Kanger sans baby and baggage. So I know I'm not 100% into Skully....but it doesn't prevent the sting and smarting.

Reflections

This weekend has been really good for me. I went to a birthday party on Friday night, watched the Longhorns beat Tech on Saturday night, then shopping and walking around the city on Sunday.

In between socializing, I had "me" time where I finally had an epiphany as to why things haven't exactly been going smoothly in the boy department: I didn't have a full grieving process with Kanger and kept band-aiding my feelings with Cogs or Skullys which only added to the confusion and heartbreak.

I've been reading the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and this line struck a cord with me: ...never again use another person's body or emotion as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings. Enough said. So now that I'm finally clear of that (boys), I went through old posts from February to the present and grieved properly. It actually took less time than I thought...probably because it in a way has been on going. I know you guys are sick of hearing about it, but this is my outlet, so letting it out, I will do.

I want to be giddy and excited about someone again. To have things be meaningful and special and the wondering of things to come. And most importantly, I want those feelings to be reciprocated back, equally. I know I'm not ready, that the wounds aren't fully healed but I know they will be someday.

I watched Sliding Doors this afternoon and it reminded me that no matter what choices I make or obstacles that happen in my life, everything is going to work exactly as it should.

And I'm finally starting to believe it.

*On a side note: I just got an extension to stay in London for 3 more months after my contract ends at the end of November. Yippee! Although work is about to get crazy, at least I'm still here and that's exactly where I want to be.

Cog has left the building (and my bed)

Cog's last day was today. We were supposed to meet up last night but it didn't happen, mainly because he was hammered and I didn't feel like traveling 40 minutes to babysit a 43 year-old child.

I've been seeing the Cog for about three months now. And by seeing we all know that means just sex. I thought I could do it but I can't. I need commitment and plans.

We said goodbye this morning at work and he said he'd call, but my gut feeling is that he won't and if he did it would only be for one thing and I can't do that anymore. I've been feeling myself drop into a bit of a depression. I cry for no reason, I can't eat and I try to control every aspect of my life, which only makes things worse.

I wrote Cog an email (shocker) to end things once and for all (amicably of course, since he'll still be in the same industry and I don't need him to spread around what we did). I was balling my eyes out when I wrote it, which is strange because the whole time we were "together", I knew things would never escalate. I could never introduce him to my parents and friends as my boyfriend. He has an eight-year-old child and did I mention that he still lives with his ex-girlfriend. Yeah, I'm sure nothing still goes on there. So fucked up, right? I think I was balling more that no relationships, even casual ones, seem to work out for me.

I'm also upset that I let it go on for so long knowing all of these details. I only ever saw him during the week and it was very sporadic. He really is a fun and adventurous guy. I did things I wouldn't have dreamed of doing. He is more of a bad boy and I think that's why I hung on for so long.

I also needed a distraction from thinking of Kanger - which I forgot to mention (that when we played tennis he told me) his baby mama is preggers with some dude's baby and getting married but hasn't even told Kanger about it. He learned about it from his four-year-old daughter. How fucked up is that and in a way how fucked up has that probably made Kanger in the head? He's on his 2 month European adventure now and, sadly, I still think about him. In case you don't know me by now, my name is Texas Cinderella and I have issues with letting go.

I'm reading books on how to trust the Universe and that certain people come into your life on purpose because they're a type of stepping stone to get you to where you're going in life. So essentially everything happens for a reason. I just wish it wasn't so painful when they left.

Now if only I could let go (of the control) and actually start trusting.

Letting Go

I wish I could tell you how tennis and catching up with Kanger was today. But I can't. Yes Kanger talked about playing all week, even called me about it (which I'm kicking myself for missing) but when the actual day rolled around, he was no where to be seen* or heard.

In the back of my mind I knew this was going to happen. Or not happen. So much for positive thinking.

Sure I was going to let it go and see if/when he contacted me to give me some excuse for his absence. But no. I'm not wired that way. I want to know reasons right then and there, so I texted him : Looks like I win by default.

I should have added: And you lose. You lose an amazing friend. But I didn't want to be too dramatic.

He texted me back that (at 4:30) he was just getting up and feeling terrible from the night before and he was sorry he missed our match.

It's called setting an alarm or not making plans for the next day if you anticipate a rough night out.

I told him no worries that I went victory shopping (which I did) instead but that I was looking forward to catching up. I hoped that he felt better and that if he wanted a rematch he should let me know but the ball was in his court.

I'm upset, yes, that after 2 months I didn't get to see him and catch up. It seems like a lot is going on with him and I'm still interested in his life. At this point I don't think I will ever see or hear from him again and that makes me sad. But at the same time, I don't deserve to be dicked around by someone that claims they want to be friends. I deserve to have someone equally interested in my life.

And honestly, if I were to have seen him today I think old feelings would have come up and started the heartache all over again and I don't really need that. It's been a long road with me trying to get over him but this time I'm actually going to do it.

First step: number deleted from phone...for real this time. I don't need it a) for a reminder of him when I scroll through my directory b) for drunken text messages.

As I stood at the top of Trafalgar Square steps this afternoon, with tears creeping down from under my sunglasses, I looked around at all of the happy couples and realized I deserve to be in an equal, loving relationship.

Like Mandy always says, if you were able to find something with someone you weren't meant to be with, imagine how it's going to be when you find the person you are supposed to be with. I'm thinking pretty amazing.

And now I'm finally ready to get out there again and find him.

*Just in case you're picturing me waiting by a set of tennis courts, checking my phone, and pacing anxiously back and forth, it didn't go down that way. We had a tentative time to meet somewhere-yet to be figured out- at around 3ish. Well you know the rest.

Last Night, I Fell In Love

Last night, while flipping through my 4 channels in my hotel room, I came across a documentary about a boy with Crouzon’s syndrome, leaving him with a cone-shaped head and protruding eyes. Despite Petero's physical appearance, his heart was as big as gold-even when teased by the local kids in his Uganda village.

By chance, he was discovered by a Dallas craniofacial surgeon and was brought over to the US to undergo 3 different extensive surgeries over a seven month period, leaving his family behind. His exploration of America, complete with escalators, automatic doors, "machine for the bread" (toaster), "machine for the food" (refrigerator), etc. reminded me of all the things we take for granted. Some people in the world, like Petero, live in mud huts and sleep on straw mats. We are lucky to have the things we have been granted in life.

Petero, also showed me that when I think I have it bad with my trivial drama, there are thousands of other people that have life so much worse. Petero was so brave going into his surgeries. He even did a little Uganda dance right before them that was prec.

Instead of wallowing that I'm not yet with the man of my dreams on this Valentine's Day, I'll think of Petero in his village, being able to have a great quality of life with his new face.

Fitting

LOVE SONG FOR NO ONE (John Mayer)

Staying home alone on a Friday
flat on the floor looking back
on old love
or lack thereof

After all the crushes have faded
and all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here

Searching all my days to find you
not sure what I'm looking for
I'll know where
when I see you

Until then I'll hide in my bedroom
just staying up all night just to write
a love song
for no one

I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
could I have missed my chance and watched you walk away

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
could I have missed my chance and watched you walk away

I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here

you'll be so good
you'll be so good for me
I know you'll be so good
for me
for me