Suffocating in doubt

Hi all...sorry it's been soooo long. I had every intention to write while I was recovering but then my 5 weeks off work went by in a blur and here I am. It's been a pretty bad summer....one of the worsts yet.

Here it goes:

1.) My grandfather died 2 weeks ago to his battle with cancer. I flew back for the funeral and it was all surreal. It's not really real to me and I think it's weird that I haven't cried, really cried, since my hysterical sobbing at the cemetery. Christmas is not going to be the same nor is my life. From being an active, hilarious, golf playing, world traveling grandfather to one that I would speak to laying in a hospital bed to weak to even carry on a 2 minute conversation (that killed me). I must have done all of my crying the 2 weeks before his death but I still tear up. I'm just sad that my future husband* and children will never know such a hilarious man.

2.) I'm healing fine. I can now work out and am walking around normal but still have a tiny pooch that will go down with exercise and still a little sore. I'm glad the doctor got all the fibroids out but stressed to know I have endometrosis which also effects getting pregnant. Which I'm not and even if I was trying...which leads me to

3.) Boys. I could have really used bear hugs and back rubs during this time (of my grandfather) but boys basically suck right now. Have I told you how sick I am of guys promising me the world and then not delivering? Well, I am. And I just feel like I'm not worth the effort for these guys to be in a relationship. I went out with Safa and his friends and after chatting and a few cocktails I learned that surprise surprise he's not going to Bali anytime soon and when I asked him why we weren't dating then (since that was his reason for bailing) he said he was "comfy". Can I tell you how much I HATE that word? So basically he's comfortable hanging out with his friends and drinking and doesn't feel like I'm worth the effort. I'm also sick of having communication via text/email only in between seeing them in person. You can't build a relationship on this. I also don't know what to do with "I haven't counted you out (dating you)" said by another bozo. Then get off your flipping ass and actually date me.

I know what I want out of life but I'm overwhelmed with fear of getting cancer, not finding my soul mate and having kids (at a reasonable age). I'm also stressed with the time difference and trying to connect with my friends to find out how their lives are going...and I know it shouldn't be all on me to make the effort but I'm the one that chose to live here.

A little down in the dumps, which is not to say that I'm not going out...which I am a lot actually. Trying to keep myself occupied with friends and work. I just hope time heals all of this and I can be truly happy sans medication.

See you on the flip side

Well hello there. Lots has been happening since I got back from the states a couple weeks ago. Firstly, it turns out that my grandfather has Stage 4 cancer and it is in his lungs, hip and lymph nodes. He is undergoing radiation and chemo and seems to be in good spirits. He hasn't had any bad reactions to the chemo which is good and I hope he starts to feeling better but I know that it will get worse before it gets better. I'm trying to stay positive because I feel like it really is mind over matter.

Secondly, I'm going in to the hospital tomorrow to give birth to my fibroids via c-section. I'm super duper nervous but in the last couple of weeks I've been increasingly more and more uncomfortable. Just want the surgery to be over with and the healing to begin. My mom got in today and will be here for the next 2 1/2 weeks to help me. I'm off work for a month and while that sounds great, I know it will be extremely painful. Ahhhhhh!

Thirdly, on the boy front it's kind of eh... Saf is about to loose his job and then go traveling (as we had already discussed) and can't start a relationship right now knowing that he's leaving. We both handled it very well and he really is a great guy. I know I'll see him in the future because we have so many mutual friends but also because he wants to stay in touch and already has by checking on me before my surgery. Richie and I went out on Thursday night and while I had fun, I just know in the back of my mind that he's a bit of a player. I told him about my surgery and he said he would come over and cook for me so I'll just have to wait and see when and if he follows through. I'm also in the mindset that I can't really start anything right now because I'm going to be on house arrest (not really) but out of commission for a while. So my feeling right now is indifferent. Richie is a very good kisser but he totally gave me beard burn to the point that my lips are peeling like crazy. My mom looked at me funny and asked what were wrong with my lips and what I'd put on them to make them flake. That was an awkward turtle conversation!

So I'm sure I'll be blogging a lot more since I won't be so busy running around trying to get everything done before I'm moving like a snail. Hope all is well and see you on the flip side.

Goings Ons

Sorry I've been m.i.a. I've had a lot going on with work and personal stuff....here's the run down:

1) My grandfather may have lung cancer and kidney cancer. He is undergoing several biopsy’s to figure out what is wrong with him. He’s only 80 and we’re very close so this is hitting me especially hard.

2) I have to have a c-section sometime in the near future to take out fibroid tumors in my uterus and one that is pressing on my bladder. I went to the gyno because I was having irregular and brutal/painful periods and they did an ultrasound and MRI and came to this conclusion. My mom is going to have to come over for 2 weeks to help me as I will not be able to walk/work for 4 weeks. Not looking forward to it but if it will let me have a baby in the future then so be it. I had my appendix taken out laproscopically and that hurt like a biotch with 3 tiny incisions in my stomach muscles…I can only imagine what a 6 inch gash is going to feel like.

3) Of course I’ve finally mastered the art of dating; ie dating multiple people and just having fun (in a non sexual way). I’m in the narrowing down phase but it really has taken the pressure and usual psycho analyzing out of the equation and I’m actually able to enjoy dating again.
The contenders are:
Saf (South African) – The very same from February that I peed in the bush with. I randomly met up with him and some of his friends a couple of weeks ago. Needless to say Saf was three sheets to the wind and professed that we needed to date. The only consolation is that he may or may not loose his job soon and if he does then he’s off to Bali to surf for 6 months. We went out a couple of times before he left for Germany for 2 weeks to cycle the Danube river. He’s very outdoorsy and very funny and I can't wait for him to come back.
Richy (British) – nickname because he owns 3 companies and wined and dined me when we went out. I met him in March at a bar and gave him my card but didn’t go out with him until the beginning of May. We had a great time but I have this feeling he’s a player…35 still single and cash to burn. He keeps telling me he wants to see me but is yet to make plans to actually do it. He does call so that's good...but maybe not enough. He's too busy hanging out at Richard Branson's house it seems. All games and I’m not having it really.
Bartender (Aussie)– my flatmate and I had a cinco de mayo party a couple weeks ago and we went to our local pub beforehand for dinner/stomach lining. The cute Australian bartender and I had been making eyes at each other for about a month so I got up the courage to ask him how to make a margarita. He didn’t know how but I somehow invited him to our party and clichély gave him my number on a cocktail napkin. He had to go out with friends that night but he texted me and sometime in the future I’m sure I’ll try his concoction of a margarita.

4.) Is it bad that I'm stressing out that my dating life will go to pot when I have my surgery? My friends say that will be the true test of character for the person I'm dating and how they handle the situation. Blah.

5.) I’m going to Boston on Thursday to visit my friend Christina and her husband and meet their little 1 ½ year old daughter, Paige. They have another one on the way and I’m excited to hang out in Beantown. Hello lobster rolls and clam chowder! I was supposed to stay until Sunday but have changed my ticket to fly down to New Orleans on Saturday - Monday to spend time with my parents and grandparents. The grandparents don’t know that I have to have the surgery but I wanted to see my grandfather while I was in the states in case (heaven forbid) something were to happen while I’m laid up in bed and can’t fly home. I’m surprising them so hopefully they like they’re treat!

6.) Other than that, I’ve been hanging out with friends, working a lot and going to concerts like a fiend.

I missed you guys!

Positive Thoughts/Prayers Needed

I've been super busy with work but wanted to take time to ask you guys to please send positive thoughts to Golightly. She was in a very bad car accident a little over a week ago and hasn't woken up yet. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

It's funny that I've never met her but I know almost every detail about her life and she mine, through blogging. She's one of the people that I know I can count on and look forward to hearing her opinion on whatever is going on in my life at the time. I have to keep praying that one day she'll be back with her witty comments and sage advice. She has a wedding to plan and so much to live for. It really makes you sit up and think that everything can change in an instant.

For updates please visit: http://pecosgirl.blogspot.com/

Broken

Sorry it's been a while. I've been feeling under the weather for a while now...well literally I have the flu but emotionally I'm depressed. I don't know if it was my 30th birthday (last week) that brought this on or the whole break up thing but it's here.

While I was home I saw my family doctor and she gave me meds to help. I vowed never to get back on them (I had a bought with anxiety and depression in college after my childhood friend died suddenly in a car accident and I didn't know how to deal with it). But in this case, it's just needed. I'm not myself. I'm not eating (on the bright side I've lost 10 pounds and I'm wearing pants loosely that used to only give me a camel toe). I'm not sleeping. I'm distracted. My friends and family notice and I'm not being the person that I want to be. It's getting better now that I've been on the pills but I still need to work on letting go of trying to control every aspect of my life.

Horoscope

You're getting sick of the scenery around you -- it's time to make travel plans.

Nailed it. Luckily, I am going to be able to change the scenery and be distracted for a while. I leave tomorrow for Houston to be a bridesmaid in my good friend's wedding on Saturday. I'm only there for the weekend so I will be thrown into running around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to get everything done - bridal luncheons, rehearsal dinners, manicures/pedicures, shopping! I'm in a funk and I think being around family and friends (that actually think I'm great) will help.

It's like a dark cloud is following me around and I need to remove myself from the situation(s) and recharge my batteries. I hope to come back and start acting like myself again because even I'm getting sick of me.

A league of their own

Last night, while volunteering at our annual Junior League charity fundraiser, I found myself surrounded by women (my age) living the life I've always wanted. They sported they're ginormous Tiffany's rocks and talked about the men behind the diamonds that adore them. Living their perfect lives, with their perfect husbands, in their perfect flats, with their gorgeous, perfect 2.5 children, going on their perfect holidays, in their perfect clothes, with their perfect hair.

I just want an ounce of that (the love part) but instead I sabotage anything good that comes my way.

I hope one day to be a part of that "league" but right now it all seems very doubtful.

Another one bites the dust

I'm not going to lie, these past 2 weeks have been hard. Filled with anxiety and panic attacks and control issues. But it's done. And Graham and I are no longer. I'm not sure when or where it all went wrong but it just was not to be. And I think I held onto it longer than I should because of the lines he fed me on the future and being on the same page, etc. I wasn't in love with him but in love with the idea of being in love with him. Something just wasn't clicking and I thought it was because we were spending too much time together and if he was at his new job it would be different but now I see that wasn't the case. He ticked all of my boxes:
cute
smart
funny
good dresser
good family values
older
educated
cultured
tall
successful
etc.

Except one. It felt forced and not effortless. And in the end I saw his true character and selfishness.

And I know I'll find this again with someone else but it just stings a little and I'm trying to work through it. I'm also slightly freaking out because I turn 30 in 30 days and I have nothing to show for it. (I thought I'd be married with 3 kids by the time I was 30). Plus I'm in a wedding with all of my close friends in a couple of weeks and I'm still the single girl in the room waiting to catch the bouquet -with the failed relationships under her belt.

I'm already picking up the pieces (deleted him from my phone, erased emails, his songs on my ipod) and I'm trying to sort through everything so that I don't dwell too long. It will take time and I will survive...I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Starting over...

with Graham.

The past few weeks have been bumpy. The first weekend Graham got back from his trip, he was really sick and therefore we couldn't go out. This was frustrating but he was sick and there wasn't anything we could do about it. Then last weekend our schedules didn't match as I had plans with friends on Friday night and he had plans with friends on Saturday. Again frustrating but we compromised and promised to meet up after our friends on Friday. That's never a good combination with drinking, RAGING PMS, and frustration of not really connecting. Sure we see each other every single day but even that is hard because we have to be professional and reading the other person becomes tricky. So there was a fight at 2am and then we were supposed to see each other on Sunday but because of the fight, it didn't happen. He was mad at me for Friday and I was feeling blah because I felt he wasn't making an effort. So we talked about it on Monday and things seemed to be okay but I couldn't sleep all week because it just felt off. Which brings me to tonight. We were supposed to be on a date but we decided not to see each other until later on next week.

I think seeing each other Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday for 9 hours a day, sitting on the same floor 30 feet apart and then on Saturday and Sunday has taken its toll. It wasn't a normal relationship and it was oversaturation. I tried to overcompensate to make things right and find a connection by riding home with him after work about 3 times a week, so tack on an additional in your face 40 minutes. Our time together was being taken for granted.

The silver lining is that he starts a new job on Monday. We've decided to give it a fresh start. I wish he would have left 1 month into our dating when things were light and fun and exciting but right now it just needs time to heal. I really want it to work but I need to be met halfway and not feel like I'm forcing it. So I'm letting him take the lead and see where this goes...again.

How not to lose a guy in 13 days

-don't suggest you he go back to your house but can't spend the night...this will only make him offer for you to go back to his out of pity.

-don't make out and let him see you naked. He obviously didn't like the flaws that he saw. Especially your much needed wax on your bikini line.

-don't have nasal surgery and snore loudly in his ear because you're allergic to his goose duvet.

-don't have genetically hairy legs that once you step out of the shower from shaving you have 5 o'clock shadow...imagine what they are like wrapped around him 24 hours later...porcupinish and not pretty.

-don't walk around in just your thong as he will see what little cellulite you do have and be repulsed.

-don't wake up with day old makeup and beard burn. You are not cute.

-don't tell him that the dynamic is off and make him tell you that he wants to see you again....he doesn't which is loud and clear from his cold emails and even colder encounters during the week.

-don't try to charm him on the train ride home...this only makes it worse and emphasizes why he doesn't want to be with you.

-don't put in an email plans for Saturday that you discussed on Tuesday about where to go for dinner before seeing the jazz band. He won't return the email with whether or not you're still on or not and leave you in the grey zone.

-don't talk to someone that sits 20 feet away from you at work so that when you go to the toilet you can see he's surfing the Internet and not answering your email.

-don't talk to someone that this time last week made you feel like you were "beautiful and funny and smart and fantastic" and now this week you feel about thissmall.

It was going so well and now...just speechless.

Cruise Control

Things are fine with Graham. He (finally) emailed me this afternoon to see how the rest of my weekend was and told me he was having a bad day. That makes two of us because I was silently torturing myself with ludicrous thoughts of how it was over.

We took the train into town together before parting ways and I asked if everything was okay to which he said it was. I told him I was just making sure since we work so close together and didn't want anything to be awkward. I asked if we were still on for Saturday - he was supposed to come over and watch a movie since my flatmate is going to the REM concert and I'd have the place to myself. I told him we should take two steps back and go to watch some live music (since he plays the guitar) instead and that he could come over at a later date. No need to rush anything. And I promise to not have that sort of conversation with him again. I'm going to be charming and funny and going with the flow on Saturday. No need to get so heavy. And if he wants to see me again then fine...but I'm not forcing or controling anything.

Confusion Fusion

Graham and I went out yesterday and had a great time. We went to the Ripley's exhibit which was a waste but fun and then hung out in a pub for a couple of hours. We decided to change the scenery and go to a new pub but we couldn't find one and when we did it was last call. He was his nice, sweet self and complimentary as usual and when we were trying to decide what to do or just go home, I mentioned that he could come over to my house but not spend the night because I hadn't had to talk with my flatmate about bringing boys home. He said that he didn't want to rush anything and had no expectations and that if the time did come then he would want us to go away for the weekend. So, so romantic. So he said I could go back to his (which is an hour away)and that again no expectations were there.

So we got back to his and things were just off. He was quiet. I was quiet. He gave me a t-shirt and boxers to sleep in and I changed in the bathroom. So far, so good on not jumping each other. Then we got into his bed and started kissing and his hand gravitated to my boobage. Since I was confused about if the whole going away together included everything or just the big bang theory he clarified and said it was for the grand finale. So we continued to make out and I discovered that he is rather large and in charge. Nothing major happened (thanks to my my Aunt Flow coming early yesterday) but we were naked in his bed and I kind of feel like it was too much too soon even though we see each other everyday and have been on 3 incredible dates previously. It's just the normal course of nature of things but I felt like he was in another world and he hadn't asked to make plans with me. I told him that I thought the dynamic was off...Blame if on PMS or me crashing from my Chai Latte caffeine fix...but we now have plans for Saturday. Which is fine that I brought it up because he has asked all the other times. I'm just confused and am I going to not hear from him until I see him at work on Tuesday (we have Monday off)? Argh. And did my snoring but him off too?

On top of all of this, I saw in his living room that he is scheduled to take a Mensa test. WTF? Am I too dumb for him, too?

I'm just going to see what happens but I was just telling someone yesterday that I liked how I didn't have to question things. Guess I spoke too soon.

Needed: Permanent Spare Tire

This weekend was chill. I won 6 tickets to Redbull's Flugtag in Hyde Park and invited Harris, Morgan and her husband and Caroline and her boyfriend of 4 years. It was very entertaining and the weather was nice - always a bonus. And today I finally went to see Sex and the City with Caroline and her boyfriend (I asked Caroline earlier in the week and for some reason the BF wanted to tag along..wtf?). It was cute but not as good as I thought that it was going to be. Some parts were super cheese and me, ironically, being all about the cheese, just didn't like those parts.

Can I just say, that I never want to be that couple that fights in public. Caroline and her boyfriend bickered both afternoons and then they would go the other extreme when they "made up" and be all over each other. Either way, it was highly uncomfortable. It just seems sooo unhealthy. Yuck!

At least I'm seeing what I don't want in a relationship.

I also know I want a relationship. Especially after Harris (I invited him to balance out the guy/girl ratio and things are back to just friends) went home before the others, leaving me with the marrieds (which are cool and not all over each other) and the uncomfortable couple. I just felt like the 5th wheel...again.

When will I become part of an official pair with my very own built-in buddy system?

Case in point update: I just found out that Joshua Radin is playing in London on Tuesday night and I need someone last minute to go with me. Someone that isn't tied to boyfriends, husbands or even girlfriends but tied to me, because we're a "team". I really want to go and can't unless I feel like being that creepy girl ALL BY HERSELF!!!! I've asked everyone and no dice. Argh!

Thou shall be named...Cock Blocker

I haven't had a chance to tell you guys about the Happy Hour I organized for people I work with in order to get to know them better back in April. Mainly to get to officially meet Mr. Bean and another cute coworker, but I digress. The turn out was awesome and everyone keeps asking when I'm going to put together another one.

The only bad thing that came out of it is that I have a stalker. Not a bonafide look-over-your-shoulder-everywhere-you-go but a blow-up-your-email-and-stop-by-your-desk-fifty-million-times-a-day one. My boss has resorted to humming "Love is in the air" every time he comes around.

I initially (before I knew the crazy) had a goal to get to be friends with him on Facebook because I was pretty positive that there were incriminating drunken pics of me from the company Christmas party and I wanted to see them myself. We would say hi and talk in groups and then somehow one day we were friends. Which was fine. Nothing creepy at all.

One night out, my friends and I ran into him and we all hung out. No harm. That night we became friends on Facebook and thankfully the pics weren't too bad. I had planned a Oxford vs. Cambridge boat race party at a pub on the Thames and somehow he popped up. We weren't that good of friends for me to invite him and no one else invited him either. Hmmm...

Then I started getting emails from him. I chalked it up to friends so I would respond but not all interesting like just nice and friendly. Then they started coming before I would have a chance to reply back to the first one. Who does that? So I reined in my replies.

Then the Happy Hour happened and while I was the "host", I was mingling around the bar. I finally got to meet Mr. Bean, who is funny in person, and his friends. Then I would feel "the shadow" at my side, ANSWERING questions that Mr. Bean would ask me. For example: Mr. Bean and I live one tube stop away but don't see each other in the mornings/evenings.

Mr. Bean: How come I never see you on the tube?
Me: (about to speak)
Shadow: Texas isn't a morning person.

WTF? I don't wake up next to the flipping Shadow...but to Mr. Bean it appears that I do. If that isn't cock blocking, I don't know what is.

So CB's emails continued and mine stopped. He even asked what I was doing one weekend and I told him and he asked who with and I told him with Nate the guy I'm dating. Thinking he would get the hint that way. No dice.

Can I just tell you that in the time that I have been gone, all 15 days, I have received 12 emails him via Facebook and work email. I responded only once through work email to thank him for inquiring about my surgery and that I would see him when I got back in the office in a couple of weeks. I didn't want to seem like a jerk when he clearly was concerned but that is all that I responded. The emails did not stop. I got a "have a good flight home one" and then a "welcome back to London" one today. Who keeps emailing when clearly the person has not responded and appears likely to never respond.

I'm nervous about what tomorrow will bring. Everyone I work with knows about the stalker. He's even working on a project now with my boss since I've been gone. Oh joy to have him in our area more than necessary. I might have to have a talk with him.

You better believe that Nate is my "boyfriend" now.

But why is it the ones we don't want, can't get enough and the ones we do want, can't get away fast enough?

Gone

Well, no update on the Nate situation. It seems he's done a runner and I won't be hearing from him again. Because who really doesn't wish you a safe trip and surgery, even as a friend? (Update: I got a text this morning while getting ready for the airport: Have a good trip. I think I'm just going to text back: Thanks. And leave it at that). Next. Oh but Nate, thanks for all of the 10th grade dry humping...I really enjoyed it. And no, that doesn't happen to everyone and it IS a problem.

I'm over it.

Anyway, I leave tomorrow morning for H-Town and after I arrive I'll have t-minus 12 hours before I go under the knife. Yikes! Super nervous about it but in the long run it will be okay. Plus I'll be able to breathe and (hopefully) not snore when I'm sleeping next to my Prince Charming someday. I know he's out there but the universe just wants me to busy myself with a bunch of frogs at the moment. At least it makes for some decent stories.

In the meantime, I'm looking forward to busying myself with family and friends for the next couple of weeks - I plan to milk being "the patient" for all it's worth!

Houston, we have lift off...

It works but I don't think we're going to work. After 24 hours together with a basically one sided conversation, I've had enough.

I met his friends at the park and it just seemed that I was in the way of catching up. What should have been an afternoon of boozing in the park turned into a sober one with hours slowly ticking by. Nate decided to detox from alcohol for a week and not wanting to seem like an alcoholic, I refrained as well. It was just awkward. I'm a talker. I'm outgoing. I like finding out new and interesting things about people but not when the person I'm trying to find out about said things only gives me yes or no answers with NO elaboration, my stubbornness shines through and I'm just done trying. I'm especially done when there's no flirtation to help me to know things are okay.

Granted the whole day wasn't like that. Some good conversations happened. But it's as if Nate is like Fun Bobby from Friends. Take away the alcohol and I've got nothing. When we went back to my flat after the park he was all flirty. Cuddling and kissing me. Then I got ready for us to go and meet my work friends at a pub for the house warming party.

When we got there, this Polish girl was there who works at my company and I've met her NUMEROUS times. I have even eaten lunch with her before. She introduced herself as if she was seeing me for the first time. I, at that point, had had a glass of wine (while Nate drank his flipping water) and was in a confrontational mood. Not even a month ago, she met up with a group of people from work after the Oxford vs. Cambridge boat race and we all went out. I even said she knew our mutual friend and she had no clue who he was either. Nate was squirming the whole time while I "politely" told her we had met SEVERAL times. But come on just pretend that you've met me...BECAUSE YOU HAVE. Anyway, she then blatantly hit on Nate in front of my face. I later totally called him out on it and he played dumb. Crazy card comes out again. But the correct answer would have been "Whatever TC, she's a dumb ass and ugly". But again I got none of that.

We went and grabbed dinner at a restaurant by my house and then rented a movie off of itunes and tried to watch it. Since it's hot here and I have no A/C the windows were open and it made it very hard to hear anything. Then Nate wasn't feeling well so I said he could lay down in my bed since it was cooler in my room. So we lied down and then we started kissing. And that's when it FINALLY happened (and again in the morning - not sex). But instead of being his caressing, sweet cuddling self, he barely held me. Maybe it was because it was hot but still. I brought up the whole hard to read thing and how I couldn't understand his texts and how frustrating it was. And he said I could call him or email him, too. I then told him how I've put myself out there like that before and have been burned in the past so he would have to initiate. Especially since my UK cell phone will not be on or work to receive text messages while I'm in the States. I'm sorry but I'm a planner. But now I don't even think it's worth the one sided effort.

It's entirely whateves. I've deleted his number from my phone because a.) I don't need the temptation of making contact first after sharing how I felt - to which he squirmed and couldn't get out of my flat fast enough. b.) I'm the one leaving, he should be the one telling me to have a safe trip, good surgery and that he will be in touch via email, etc. while I'm gone. And maybe that he'll miss me a little. I NEED COMMUNICATION. It shouldn't be this hard.

Folks, I don't think we have a winner.

Meet the Friends

So things with Nate are good and I didn't scare him away with the crazy. I heard from him this week and we have plans to meet up with several groups of his friends in Hyde Park today to enjoy the 80 degree temperatures and hopefully work on our tans! I'm feeling the pressure to be ON but I think it will be lots of fun so I'll let you know the outcome. We might go to one of my friend's house warming party so the shoe will be on the other foot...I'm excited to see him which is always a good sign!

In other news, I won't be homeless! Since I'm moving here permanently, I'm essentially being cut off from expenses and my $3,200 (everything is made out of gold here) a month flat. I'm moving in with HM (aka Lamey Lamerson) but I think it will work out fine. After searching for several weeks and seeing nothing but shit holes, we found a perfect flat one tube stop away from where I currently live (choice location) and I'm super excited about it! We don't move in until June 15th but we're both going out of the country next week and wanted this sorted before we left.

So now all I have to stress about is work, my 10 hour flight home (of course cured by Xanax) and my deviated septum surgery on Thursday. Since I can't fly for 2 weeks after due to pressure, my company is letting me work from home which is awesome. I'm secretly glad I don't have to trek to the Houston office looking like I just got a nose job!

Anything goes

I met up with Harris on Saturday for some aquarium adventures and we had a good time looking at fish. We decided afterwards to grab a drink at a boat pub on the Thames since it was so nice out.

Mistake #1: Drinking on only a 6-inch Subway veggie pattie after going to the gym.

The conversation flowed like I knew it would and after my pint of Bulmers (delicious, highly potent cider), we headed to Chinatown for some much needed food.

Mistake #2: Trying to eat to soak up said alcohol while consuming half a bottle of wine does not help your situation and it makes the drunkenness much worse.

We chatted about who we are talking to/dating. I told him about Nate and his "problem" and he told me about how he's talking to his ex-girlfriend (she's back in Philly) but they are different religions so it's a problem for him. He said Nate's problem had nothing to do with me which was nice to hear.

Mistake #3: Deciding to go to yet another pub for more alcohol.

We talked about our hook up on my birthday. And the sexual tension continued. Innuendos flying left and right. Flirtiness. Highly inappropriate.

Mistake #4: Dancing.

We both love to dance and are actually move great together. This created a problem since the dancing was very suggestive. Hands were all over the place and we decided before things got more naughty to go back to my place. I should tell you that the tube stops running at 12.30 and since we had started drinking at 5pm, it was only 10.30pm when we went back to my place. Pathetic!

So clothes came off and things happened...not of the sexual nature (oral or otherwise) but you know...things. We both passed out and then like last time he was up at the butt crack of dawn putting his clothes on and getting the heck out of dodge. We had plans to go to the British Museum Sunday afternoon and decided we still should go.

So I took a nap and met him at 3pm at the Museum. Some slight awkwardness but we both knew that it wasn't going to work and that we should be friends. So we had a great day at the Museum and then shared a bottle of wine and sushi plus other drinks before parting ways. Things are fine and I might even see him this weekend for Karaoke but I'm past the random hook ups. I missed being held and having someone look into my eyes. I missed Nate.

*I should note that I hadn't spoken (read: texted) with Nate since Thursday so I sent him a friendly WTF? text from the last bar on Saturday night. Needless to say he was very confused and things went back and forth with him saying he was catching up with old friends and that it wouldn't be polite for him to be on the phone all the time and that he would talk to me the next day. I texted back Fine and then took Harris back to my place.

I feel bad about it but whatever we aren't exclusive so it's not like I cheated. Anyway, Nate texted me Sunday morning to see how my head was feeling after my day/night of drinking. I texted him back and told him I was sorry the alcohol got way ahead of me and that I totally understood about not texting while catching up with friends. I told him to enjoy the rest his trip and that I'd talk to him when he got back to London. We'll see if that happens. When I told Mandy the story, she said that I let the crazy out too soon but we both agreed I redeemed myself with the nonchalant text back.

Things are just messed up right now because I go home in a week for 2 1/2 weeks and I don't know how things are going to progress when he only likes texting and my UK cell phone will be out of commission.

I know I'm overanalyzing and freaking out but I can't help it, it's part of my nature!

I'm going to meet friends at the river again to enjoy Cinco de Mayo aka 1st Bank Holiday in May...because you know I need ANOTHER drink. Must start detox and diet tomorrow!

Solidification

So I'm tanked from my date with Nate. I thought it would be fairly sober but it wasnt't... and it was fun but i can't help but thinking what i did on Saturday night that you guys would sooooooo not approve of. So after mugging down on the balcony of Kiwi's place, I said my goodbyes and came home but looked up a certain number that i hadn't called in a very long time and happened to speak to for an hour. Alot of things triggered me to call him and the conversation went something like this:
"I look for you every where"
"You're a liar, you're not going back to Oz anytime soon...wtf?"
"Is it really you? I'm disgusting (from Monica from Friends when they find a nude photo of her and she says 'I'm Monica, I'm disgusting' yeah, I kept saying I'm disgusting which he totally didn't get. I was disgusting because I totally made out with someone 20 minutes before hand and then called him..."I'm disgusting.... "
"I want to see you again....Do you want to see me?"
To which he responded, "Yeah, I want to see the new Gucci bag" (at his old company he could have gotten me a discount)....I told him since he works for [Posh Department Store] he would have to get me a discount on the matching wallet. WTF?
"Don't blow smoke up my ass and tell me you're going to call...if you're not going to call just say it" to which he said "i'm going to call you this week....promise".

I am disgusting. I've been drinking with Nate since 2pm (it's 9pm now) and I'm wasted.

I've been on egg shells since my phone call with Kanger and giddy and breaking into hysterics becuase it was so ridiculous then Wednesday came around and his promise of calling me during the week was not around so I went into depression...but I also had Nate texting me and was otherwise distracted..I can't make someone hang out with me. Even if technically I'm secretly in love with him and don't know what to do.... it's somewhat insane...but that's just me.... i just made out with Nate at the bar and we went our seperate ways.... but i miss kanger ahhhhhhhhhhh.....

so i just called kanger from getting his number from my yahoo folder and some chick answered...(he's not dating anyone because in the hour that he filled me in on everything at 3am last saturday, he made the mistake of telling me this information)...so i hung up and texted..."are you 12? having you're friends answer...i've been drinking since 2pm on a date....and you can't give me 2 point 2? am i that awful?" and nothing folks. *UPDATE (He texted back at 1.30am _ "not sure what you mean by your text. hope you had fun on your date." WTF? it woke me up and i tried to call to redeem myself not crazy...ironic, eh? but no answer of course... do I write back to that? Mandy says no but if I absolutely must to write "I won't bother you again") thus he is 12 with a 5 year old daughter and i don't know why i do this to myself but i did. i've now erased his number in my hidden yahoo.com account folder and but am now back to the psycho that i was last august. i'm feeling sooooo good about myself. the only thing that is saving me is memories of this evening with Nate being hoisted on a post and wrapping my legs around him to kiss him (nothing else happened), only to be totally caught by the people that live in the flat we were making out in front of. i'm glad he went to his mate's party...but i so didn't need to come home and do this. ...what the eff is wrong with me???

Times up...but not really

Well, Lent is over and I'm officially/unofficially on the market again. The 40 days and 40 nights were actually really good for me. It made me see what I want out of a relationship.

Don't hate but I met up with Skully at the beginning of Lent (only because I saw him at work and decided that we could be friends, for work sake). I was reminded yet again why I'm not supposed to be with him - because he's a high strung ass - but I might have had a weak moment of kissing (the 3 glasses of wine made me do it and the devil). I quickly snapped out of it when I remembered that 1) he has a girlfriend he dumped me for and 2) I am sick of being the flipping side dish. I deserve to be the main course! So I asked him to leave and told him we couldn't be friends. I feel sorry for his girlfriend though. Lots of stuff could have gone way further but call me crazy for not wanting to feel like shit the morning after. Enough is finally enough.

I stayed on Lent for an additional day to repent for my slip up!

Anyway, I took the time to finally grieve over Kanger - I know pathetic - but it was much needed since there were the band-aids distracting me. Now I don't look for him everywhere I go in the city and my Facebook "browsing" has been kept in check, which is a huge fete.

So I'm ready. I'm not actively pursuing anything but I'm ready. I know I will feel that way about someone again. I don't need to rush anything because, big news, I'm in the process of negotiating to stay here permanently (the work stress I was vague about a few weeks ago).

I'm just going to let life happen. I've booked up my calendar with fun friend activities and who knows who I might meet while doing them!!!