The Beautiful Letdown

Today at work, while listening to my ipod to drown out the poor grammar recited in full Texas drawl, the song "Beautiful Letdown" by Switchfoot came on.

It totally transported me to my New York commuting days on the subway. I would listen to that cd for hours back then. It's amazing how music can make you think of certain times of your life and make you reflect on how much you have or have not changed.

This song is exactly how I feel about life in general right now.

"Beautiful Letdown"

It was a beautiful letdown
When I crashed and burned
When I found myself alone, unknown and hurt

It was a beautiful letdown
The day I knew
That all the riches this world had to offer me
Would never do.

In a world full of bitter pain
And bitter doubt
I was trying so hard to fit in,
Until I found out

I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong.

It was a beautiful letdown
When You found me here
And for once in a rare blue moon
I see everything clear

I'll be a beautiful letdown
That's what I'll forever be
And though it may cost my soul
I'll sing for free

We're still chasing our tails
And the rising sun
And our dark water planet
Still spins in a race
Where no one wins
And no one's one.

I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I'm gonna set sight
and set sail for the kingdom come
Your kingdom come
Won't you let me down!
Let my foolish pride forever let me down

Easy living, you're not much like your name
Easy dying, you look just about the same
Would you please take me off your list?
Easy living, please come on and let me down.

What a beautiful letdown
painfully uncool
the church of the drop outs, the losers,
the sinners, the failures, and the fools
What a beautiful letdown
are we salt in the wound?
Let us sing one true tune


It seems I am never satisfied lately. Sure I have a job and it pays the rent, but it's not what I want to be doing with my life. I would rather do something for little money and be poor, than go to work days on end doing the same boring thing week after week.

I send my resume out like crazy and barely get a nibble, which usually turns out to be nothing I would be interested in. And no matter how many times I get all glammed up and go out with my friends and try to say all the right things (or lately wrong things) to guys, I can't get a date to save my life. It just seems I am constantly let down by everything.

I had all of these aspirations when I decided to move back to the South. My thinking was that I would be able to date like I did in college (juggle boys left and right) and maybe in the process find the one. But it's kind of hard to find the one when no boys even give you the time of day. I also had the confidence that companies would look at my resume and hire me on the spot because of my New York credentials. They are clearly not easily impressed down here.

I want something creative and inspiring. I want someone to come home to everyday that will challenge me. I feel like I'm at plateau in life and need a push to jump start my new life. The last time I felt like this I packed up and moved to NYC. I can't afford to do that again.

So I guess I will wait it out. I've been doing that a lot lately...at least I'm good at doing that!

Gone in 60 seconds

My first Senior year at the University of Texas (Austin is very distracting, so I took five years), I dated PS. Our relationship was wedged in between my on and off again jerk of a boyfriend CR, for about a month. PS was really outdoorsy, totally smart and had the All-American good looks, which was a breathe of fresh air.

PS had a cd burner, a very hot commodity back in the day, so I would hang out at his place and download my favorite music from Napster. I created cd's with songs like Lil Kim's "How Many Licks?", Ludacris's "What's Your Fantasy" and Nelly Featuring City Spud's "Ride Wit Me". He commented that my choice of music was very...graphic. I'm sure he even compared me to the character of Michael Bolton in "Office Space", but this girl likes her rap and the dirtier the better!

One night, PS invited me over to his friend CC's house to drink and have a low key evening. I drove over to meet them with a six-pack of my favorite drink, Smirnoff Ice-the very thought of drinking that crap now makes me want to gag. CC's roommate was a huge pothead and actually grew his own "merchandise" in their hall closet, so it was inevitable when CC busted out a bowl for us to smoke. I must preface that when ever I would smoke a joint with CR, I never "felt" anything and always figured it didn't work on me. I had never smoked a bowl before and hanging out with a true connoisseur of the substance, I was shown the proper way to get the full effect. And boy did I ever!

Not only was I high as a kite, I was also drunk off my ass. PS and I had been very flirty with each other the whole night and when he leaned in and whispered, "Let's get out of here", I was totally game!

We kissed like maniacs while he fumbled with his keys to open the door. We finally fell into his apartment and headed straight to the bedroom.

Clothes were flying off in every direction and when he stopped to take a potty break I thought nothing of it, although a little annoyed that his sudden urge to urinate had interrupted our makeout session. He took care of his business and was on his way back to me when he stopped suddenly at the end of the bed.

He looked at me for a minute and said, "We're not having sex, you know?", with great sternness.

I was utterly caught off guard. How dare he say that to me? It was only then that I realized while he was in only his boxer briefs, I, on the other hand, was FULLY clothed. Not only were my shirt, jeans, socks and shoes still intact, but it was the middle of January and my jacket was still on. He hadn't made a move for any of my lady parts!

I didn't know what to say, so I propped myself up on one elbow and coolly said,
"Yeah, I know. I totally wasn't planning on doing that!"

He had the nerve to get back in bed to just kiss me, which was awkward given the fact that he was STILL in just his undies and I was STILL fully clothed. I told him that he should probably take me home because I was getting really sleepy. I just wanted to get as far away from this insane situation as possible.

After he dropped me off, I laid in bed and replayed the mortifying experience over and over in my head. Cringing each time.

The next day, he left a message on my machine offering to drive me to get my car (that I had left a CC's) and to take me to lunch. He totally acted like nothing had happened...like I didn't rip every morsel of clothing from his body and that he did not even reciprocate in the very least. I was so embarrassed that I literally walked to CC's house to get my car two miles away...I labeled it my walk of shame.

I finally found the courage to return his call and we continued to hang out a couple more weeks but we soon fizzled.

Maybe my taste in music made him gun shy and he felt he wouldn't be able to perform and measure up to the rappers. My friends and I made up that he was confused and gay in order to justify the fact that a boy was so adamant about NOT sleeping with me. It comforts me to think this was the main cause of his repulsion that night.

Everytime I tell and retell this story at social gatherings, it makes me smile and wonder if PS has his own story from that night about a crazy girl back in college that tore his clothes off in less than 60 seconds?

Text Dating?

I've heard of online dating, going on blind dates, even double dates, but never have I heard of "Text Dating", until this weekend...

MW is a guy I met at the infamous rodeo cook-off a couple weeks ago, where I was totally out of my mind drunk and made a bad first impression with JD. He was really cute, funny, 24 years old and lived in Austin-what is the deal with me liking younger men lately? I flirted with MW for a while and he got my number to meet up later that night at a bar downtown. I could barely walk up my stairs to change into going out clothes, so needless to say, we did not see each other again. He called the next day on his way back to Austin and we spoke for literally three minutes, agreed that he would call the next time he was in town and I would do the same if I was in Austin. I figured I would never hear from him.

Fast forward to two weeks later. I got a message at 2:40am on Friday night from a very drunk WM wondering what I was doing on Saturday night. I figured he was in town, so I called and left a message at around 10pm on Saturday from my best friend DW's wedding, and told him to meet me at the hotel bar later where the reception was taking place.

Instead of calling me back he texted me:
Sorry about the damn drunk dial the bartender thought it would be funny to get me wasted

I totally despised texting simply because it's so impersonal and I am terrible at it, (I only know how to type in all caps, so it looks like I am yelling at the person) but I decided to text back to be polite:
TOTALLY COOL, JUST GIVE ME A CALL THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE IN HOUSTON

To which he replied:
When are you coming to Austin next and i figured you were probably waiting up thinking about me at 3am last night

This absolutely deserved a rebuttal for his cockiness, so I texted:
ACTUALLY I BELIEVE YOU WERE THE ONE THINKING OF ME SO YOU SHOULD COME TO HOUSTON

He answered:
But it's real far you should come to austin I am going to pick up my boat next weekend it would be fun i promise...any type of fun you want

This went back and forth for about two hours-in between me dancing with my friends, eating cake and seeing my best friend leave with his new bride. We basically established that he should bring his boat to Conroe-a lake near Houston- although he lives on a lake in Austin:
Anything to make you happy how about the end of March

I wanted to get back to my friends so I wrapped it up, not really thinking anything would come from it. I was also a little pissed that I had a longer conversation typing words than the one time I spoke to WM on the phone.

Nursing my hangover on Sunday, I got yet another text from WM asking if I had fun the night before. Rolling my eyes, I texted with him until I had enough small talk over freaking typing. I started to add up all of the $0.10/per text and had to bail out of the "conversation". I told him I was going for a run and that he should email me later and included my email address-since he obviously loves the typing and not the talking.

WM has yet to email me or text me since then. Maybe I totally kyboshed the whole "relationship" but could he really not pick up the phone and call?

Texting is the coward guy's way of dating. Flirting over texting? Come on. Sure, it's the twenty-first century and technology is awesome, but grow some freaking balls and get to know a girl the old fashion way!

Tag, you're it!

I have been tagged by Melissa- this really gets you to think!

6 Weird Things You Did Not Know About Me But Should, Otherwise Life As You Know It Will Not Continue:

1. I am an only child
2. I hate all things spicy
3. I am deathly afraid of midgets*-I'm convinced my parents took me to a small people town when I was little, they deny it
4. I am deathly afraid of clowns, throw in a midget clown...I will climb the walls!
5. I eat cereal out of a cup- So much easier to drink the milk without making a mess; of course I will eat it out of a bowl if necessary like a civilized person, i.e. restaurants, at someone's house, etc.
6. My Type A personality comes out at the slightest smacking, tapping or chair kicking which annoys the shit out of me

4 jobs I have had in my life
1. Loan Assistant at a mortgage company
2. Public Relations Assistant at a clothing company in NYC
3. Public Relations Coordinator at a jewelry company in NYC
4. Public Relations Coordinator at an oil company in Texas

4 movies I could watch over and over and over...
1. Snatch
2. Forrest Gump
3. Napoleon Dynamite
4. Say Anything...or anything 80s

4 places I have lived
1. Houston, TX
2. Baton Rouge, LA
3. Austin, TX
4. New York City, NY

4 TV shows with which I like to numb my mind
1. How I Met Your Mother
2. Veronica Mars- Go UPN!
3. Lost
4. The O.C.

4 places I have visited in order to forget about the real world for a while
1. Venice, Italy
2. Cayman Islands
3. Paris, France
4. Hong Kong

4 websites I visit daily
1. This Is It Seriously
2. I am, therefore I date
3. This Fish Needs a Bicycle
4. Finding Zen

4 foods I could get enormously fat on if I didn't stop myself
1. Sugar Cookie Cookie Dough
2. Sushi
3. Pasta
4. Cookies and Cream Ice Cream

4 places I'd rather be than parked at my desk
1. Shopping
2. At the beach working on my (now nonexistent) tan
3. On a hike
4. At a movie

4 people I think will do this
1. Belle in the Big Apple
2.Finding Zen
3.Charming, but Single
4.I am, therefore I date


* If this offends you in anyway because you are a little person or your family member is a little person, I sincerely apologize and I am sure they are all lovely people so please do not take it personally.

Sheer Insanity

Could I really be any more ridiculously uncool with the whole boys situation? Since Saturday night I have made a vow to myself not to drink in front of guys....well not heavily and on an empty stomach.

Down here there is a little thing called the Rodeo. To kick off the three week event of country music, pig races and bucking broncos, a barbecue cookoff commences with teams from local companies that compete to win. (Totally lame, but also totally cool because you get to eat and drink for free in different tents. There are hundreds of them with elaborate themes and live music and did I mention free booze).

I was invited by my socially inept cousin, SL, to go to one of his friend's law firms team tent on Saturday night. Apparently this guy, JD, was single and my cousin thought we should meet. I decided I would go only to get into a tent and not really to meet this JD character, because let's face it, if he's friends with SL then he can't really be all that cool.

Boy was I wrong.

We got to the tent and I was totally shell shocked by how super cute JD was. Tall, dark hair, good dresser minus the cowboy hat and funny!

To calm my nerves I hit the open bar. Again and again and again. To make matters worse, I hadn't eaten since lunch and the only option of barbecued meat to a vegetarian was not very helpful.

The parts I do remember from that night are of me resorting to 6th grade and telling my cousin to go and ask JD if he was interested in me... Several times, to which my not cool cousin complied to my every wish. I don't think I ever got a clear answer. I basically ignored JD the rest of the night to hide my embarrassment and ended up chatting up every other guy in the place and handing out my digits.

Now my behavior would have been fine, but I started to think that maybe I actually liked this JD character (of what I remember before the alcohol permeated). I decided to write him an email last week to thank him since I knew I couldn't count on my cousin to hook things up smoothly:

JD
I got your email address from my cousin and just wanted to thank you for letting us into your tent last weekend. We had a lot of fun! I understand that you work downtown too, so you'll have to let me buy you a coffee/drink as thanks sometime.
Texas Cinderella

Texas Cinderella
Happy to do it. I am glad you guys had fun, just sorry that I had to work. That is the down side of being on the team, you don't get to visit with your guests. I guess I should learn, it's that way every year.
JD

WTF? I'm in limbo and don't really know what to think of this response. He didn't acknowledge me basically asking him out but then it semi says he wished he could have spent more time with his guests...which included me.

I have not only resorted to making a fool out of myself once, but twice and I have now connived my way to having dinner with my cousin (whom I have not told that I even emailed JD-I got his email from a forward SL sent a while back) to try to get me a second chance with this guy. I have a feeling SL will say JD is going to be extremely busy in court with trials, etc., but it's worth a shot.

Third times the charm....I hope.