Broken

Sorry it's been a while. I've been feeling under the weather for a while now...well literally I have the flu but emotionally I'm depressed. I don't know if it was my 30th birthday (last week) that brought this on or the whole break up thing but it's here.

While I was home I saw my family doctor and she gave me meds to help. I vowed never to get back on them (I had a bought with anxiety and depression in college after my childhood friend died suddenly in a car accident and I didn't know how to deal with it). But in this case, it's just needed. I'm not myself. I'm not eating (on the bright side I've lost 10 pounds and I'm wearing pants loosely that used to only give me a camel toe). I'm not sleeping. I'm distracted. My friends and family notice and I'm not being the person that I want to be. It's getting better now that I've been on the pills but I still need to work on letting go of trying to control every aspect of my life.

Horoscope

You're getting sick of the scenery around you -- it's time to make travel plans.

Nailed it. Luckily, I am going to be able to change the scenery and be distracted for a while. I leave tomorrow for Houston to be a bridesmaid in my good friend's wedding on Saturday. I'm only there for the weekend so I will be thrown into running around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to get everything done - bridal luncheons, rehearsal dinners, manicures/pedicures, shopping! I'm in a funk and I think being around family and friends (that actually think I'm great) will help.

It's like a dark cloud is following me around and I need to remove myself from the situation(s) and recharge my batteries. I hope to come back and start acting like myself again because even I'm getting sick of me.

A league of their own

Last night, while volunteering at our annual Junior League charity fundraiser, I found myself surrounded by women (my age) living the life I've always wanted. They sported they're ginormous Tiffany's rocks and talked about the men behind the diamonds that adore them. Living their perfect lives, with their perfect husbands, in their perfect flats, with their gorgeous, perfect 2.5 children, going on their perfect holidays, in their perfect clothes, with their perfect hair.

I just want an ounce of that (the love part) but instead I sabotage anything good that comes my way.

I hope one day to be a part of that "league" but right now it all seems very doubtful.

Daggers and Tears

I'm going through a roller coaster of emotions. One minute I'm fine and have the everything happens for a reason attitude. The next I'm teary and don't understand the universe and the hurt that I'm going through. It didn't help that today, Graham's old cube mate asked how he was doing and I said that I wasn't sure. The guy literally acted like someone DIED. He was so sorry and didn't understand since we were getting on so well. Me either, I wanted to say but didn't.

What I don't understand is how someone could tell me that they were willing to give it a second try then disappear (aside from an email from his new work) then respond back to my email a week later and accept plans to meet up only to send another (harsh) email saying: I don't see this going anywhere. I don't feel the chemistry that I look for in a long term thing. I don't know what else to say. Don't you know if there is chemistry or not in the first month not THREE months? And wouldn't you think he could have spoken up to tell me this when he had plenty of opportunities to do so? It's my very own version of Carrie Bradshaw's post it note break up. What goes through a guy's head to be so impersonal after 3 months of dating that he can just toss me aside like that and just disappear into the sunset without ever looking back? I can understand an email after a month of casual dating but that...it baffles me. Of course I wrote back: You could start by not breaking up with someone over the phone or again over email at flipping work. I'm sorry you couldn't be a 34 year old man and do it the proper way. Maybe in your next endeavor you won't lead people on either. I'm also sorry that you feel this way and couldn't give it the second chance it deserved. No wonder you're still not married. Add all of the confusing things about marriage and kids (we walked by a daycare his last week and he said "our kids can go there" wtf?) Screw with my head much?

I just want to fast forward and get over it already but it's only been a week and I'm just sad at what could have been but pissed at the person he turned out to be. And equally furious that it was all over an email.

Another one bites the dust

I'm not going to lie, these past 2 weeks have been hard. Filled with anxiety and panic attacks and control issues. But it's done. And Graham and I are no longer. I'm not sure when or where it all went wrong but it just was not to be. And I think I held onto it longer than I should because of the lines he fed me on the future and being on the same page, etc. I wasn't in love with him but in love with the idea of being in love with him. Something just wasn't clicking and I thought it was because we were spending too much time together and if he was at his new job it would be different but now I see that wasn't the case. He ticked all of my boxes:
cute
smart
funny
good dresser
good family values
older
educated
cultured
tall
successful
etc.

Except one. It felt forced and not effortless. And in the end I saw his true character and selfishness.

And I know I'll find this again with someone else but it just stings a little and I'm trying to work through it. I'm also slightly freaking out because I turn 30 in 30 days and I have nothing to show for it. (I thought I'd be married with 3 kids by the time I was 30). Plus I'm in a wedding with all of my close friends in a couple of weeks and I'm still the single girl in the room waiting to catch the bouquet -with the failed relationships under her belt.

I'm already picking up the pieces (deleted him from my phone, erased emails, his songs on my ipod) and I'm trying to sort through everything so that I don't dwell too long. It will take time and I will survive...I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Starting over...

with Graham.

The past few weeks have been bumpy. The first weekend Graham got back from his trip, he was really sick and therefore we couldn't go out. This was frustrating but he was sick and there wasn't anything we could do about it. Then last weekend our schedules didn't match as I had plans with friends on Friday night and he had plans with friends on Saturday. Again frustrating but we compromised and promised to meet up after our friends on Friday. That's never a good combination with drinking, RAGING PMS, and frustration of not really connecting. Sure we see each other every single day but even that is hard because we have to be professional and reading the other person becomes tricky. So there was a fight at 2am and then we were supposed to see each other on Sunday but because of the fight, it didn't happen. He was mad at me for Friday and I was feeling blah because I felt he wasn't making an effort. So we talked about it on Monday and things seemed to be okay but I couldn't sleep all week because it just felt off. Which brings me to tonight. We were supposed to be on a date but we decided not to see each other until later on next week.

I think seeing each other Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday for 9 hours a day, sitting on the same floor 30 feet apart and then on Saturday and Sunday has taken its toll. It wasn't a normal relationship and it was oversaturation. I tried to overcompensate to make things right and find a connection by riding home with him after work about 3 times a week, so tack on an additional in your face 40 minutes. Our time together was being taken for granted.

The silver lining is that he starts a new job on Monday. We've decided to give it a fresh start. I wish he would have left 1 month into our dating when things were light and fun and exciting but right now it just needs time to heal. I really want it to work but I need to be met halfway and not feel like I'm forcing it. So I'm letting him take the lead and see where this goes...again.

Introducing Grexas

Conversation during tea(him)/hot chocolate(me) after dinner last night:

Graham: ...so you and Trey (childhood friend) are close. Does his wife mind?

Texas: His wife, Pam, is really cool and it's not like I talk to him all the time. Just random emails here and there. I, of course, see them when I'm home and it always feels like I never left. They're really cute together and all of our friends refer to them as "Tram" like Bennifer or Brangelina.

Silence...

Graham: So our name would be Grexas.

My heart seriously leapt out of my chest and onto the table!

Ayo Technology

Last week I had the flu and am finally getting better. Now Graham has the flu and I hope he gets better soon because there is a lot of catching up to do!

I don't know if it was a combination of feeling lousy and that time of month but my mind kept bringing situations from the past into my relationship with Graham and drove me nuts with worry. Mandy was there to talk me off that ledge and if she were here she would have shook me. It's true, she told me this. Anyway, I was worried for no reason. Sure I wish that we would have talked instead of texting every other day but I respect that he was with his friend and didn't want to be that guy that can't put his phone down nor did I want to be that girl. But we all know how much I love texting. Therefore the connection level wasn't there and it gave me a bit of a complex. Okay, a huge complex (which of course I did not tell him about).

Things are fine now (on my end anyway as they were never not fine to him). We were soooo lovey dovey on the train today and have plans to go to dinner tomorrow night to catch up. I think working together makes it a bit tricky as well. He got in really late last night and so the first time I saw him after a week was at work where there could be no hugging and of course no kissing. Very frustrating. Luckily he has an interview on Thursday and while I know I'll miss seeing him everyday, I think it will be really good for us. OMG...I said "us"!

J'Adore

Things with Graham are going swimmingly. We hung out last weekend and will again this Saturday before he leaves for his surfing trip to Portugal on Sunday. He's staying over since my flatmate will be out of town. (Sidenote: Holla! I can finally watch TV for a solid week since couch potato will not be there to hog it). He's already told me that he's going to call me everyday which will be needed because I'm going to miss him a lot! It's going to be weird not seeing him everyday for a week. :(

We are just soooo sweet to each other. Not in a PDA gross kind of way but in an affectionate and gentle kind of way. He says I make his head go fuzzy and the same couldn't be more true on my end by him. I'm liking where this is heading and the pace that it's going.

I'm a very smitten kitten.

Sleepover

Graham and I finally made it to the jazz bar where we proceeded to say lovely things to one another and kiss all night long. He couldn't keep his hands off me and I couldn't keep my hands off him. He is so funny and did a Scooby Doo impression but told me that his friend does it better and he will have to get him to show it to me. Brownie points for meeting the friends in the future!
He came over to my house and we grabbed late night kebabs and watched tv then went to sleep -among other things. I think the romantic weekend away together is fast approaching. We're going to the coast somewhere at an unspecified time. He leaves for Portugal in 2 weeks and we will have to see how that goes. A whole week without seeing him will be sadness but I'm sure we'll more than make up for it when he gets back!

I'm falling in the best way!

Let's go to the Maul

How do I control myself tomorrow night when all I want to do is throw the kid on the grown and make out? We're taking things slow but seriously....my hormones are RAGING! And the way we looked at each other all week has something to do with it as well. We're going to watch the jazz band play again...or attempt to anyway. I might drag him into a dark alley and have my wicked way with him!

*I'm not talking about doing the deed. Just making out.

Back on Track

Things with Graham are back to normal. We had a lot of fun last night and he was very affectionate again. I just followed his lead. We didn't end up going to the jazz bar because it was packed but he said we will have to go back another time. I like future plans! We had our own little pub crawl and grabbed some dim sum in between. He brought up last weekend "when we were inappropriate together"...hilarious! I'm looking forward to being inappropriate with him in the future! But we're taking things slow again which I like.

At the last bar he asked if he challenged me and I asked him what he meant and he was like, did all of your past boyfriends fall at your feet and I was like um no. Then I told him that he challenged me this week and that he was a bit cold...I wasn't going to bring it up but it was the perfect non threatening forum. He said he didn't mean to. Not sure what he meant by all of that. So we'll see how this week goes. I'm going to continue to follow his lead and just see where it takes us.

Square One

So we ARE going out tomorrow night. I think most of my thinking is my own insecurities about myself and me trying to figure out why he pulled back so much after being so full on the last two weeks.

I'm going to be funny, charming, sweet and nice and not bring up any of the bad feelings that I had this week. You guys are right, if he is pulling away because of my flaws then I don't want to be with him anyway.

Time will tell and I will be mirroring his actions, etc. If he holds my hand, I'll hold his. If he kisses me, I'll kiss him back. He will be making all of the moves. It's like we're back to square one.

How not to lose a guy in 13 days

-don't suggest you he go back to your house but can't spend the night...this will only make him offer for you to go back to his out of pity.

-don't make out and let him see you naked. He obviously didn't like the flaws that he saw. Especially your much needed wax on your bikini line.

-don't have nasal surgery and snore loudly in his ear because you're allergic to his goose duvet.

-don't have genetically hairy legs that once you step out of the shower from shaving you have 5 o'clock shadow...imagine what they are like wrapped around him 24 hours later...porcupinish and not pretty.

-don't walk around in just your thong as he will see what little cellulite you do have and be repulsed.

-don't wake up with day old makeup and beard burn. You are not cute.

-don't tell him that the dynamic is off and make him tell you that he wants to see you again....he doesn't which is loud and clear from his cold emails and even colder encounters during the week.

-don't try to charm him on the train ride home...this only makes it worse and emphasizes why he doesn't want to be with you.

-don't put in an email plans for Saturday that you discussed on Tuesday about where to go for dinner before seeing the jazz band. He won't return the email with whether or not you're still on or not and leave you in the grey zone.

-don't talk to someone that sits 20 feet away from you at work so that when you go to the toilet you can see he's surfing the Internet and not answering your email.

-don't talk to someone that this time last week made you feel like you were "beautiful and funny and smart and fantastic" and now this week you feel about thissmall.

It was going so well and now...just speechless.

Cruise Control

Things are fine with Graham. He (finally) emailed me this afternoon to see how the rest of my weekend was and told me he was having a bad day. That makes two of us because I was silently torturing myself with ludicrous thoughts of how it was over.

We took the train into town together before parting ways and I asked if everything was okay to which he said it was. I told him I was just making sure since we work so close together and didn't want anything to be awkward. I asked if we were still on for Saturday - he was supposed to come over and watch a movie since my flatmate is going to the REM concert and I'd have the place to myself. I told him we should take two steps back and go to watch some live music (since he plays the guitar) instead and that he could come over at a later date. No need to rush anything. And I promise to not have that sort of conversation with him again. I'm going to be charming and funny and going with the flow on Saturday. No need to get so heavy. And if he wants to see me again then fine...but I'm not forcing or controling anything.

Confusion Fusion

Graham and I went out yesterday and had a great time. We went to the Ripley's exhibit which was a waste but fun and then hung out in a pub for a couple of hours. We decided to change the scenery and go to a new pub but we couldn't find one and when we did it was last call. He was his nice, sweet self and complimentary as usual and when we were trying to decide what to do or just go home, I mentioned that he could come over to my house but not spend the night because I hadn't had to talk with my flatmate about bringing boys home. He said that he didn't want to rush anything and had no expectations and that if the time did come then he would want us to go away for the weekend. So, so romantic. So he said I could go back to his (which is an hour away)and that again no expectations were there.

So we got back to his and things were just off. He was quiet. I was quiet. He gave me a t-shirt and boxers to sleep in and I changed in the bathroom. So far, so good on not jumping each other. Then we got into his bed and started kissing and his hand gravitated to my boobage. Since I was confused about if the whole going away together included everything or just the big bang theory he clarified and said it was for the grand finale. So we continued to make out and I discovered that he is rather large and in charge. Nothing major happened (thanks to my my Aunt Flow coming early yesterday) but we were naked in his bed and I kind of feel like it was too much too soon even though we see each other everyday and have been on 3 incredible dates previously. It's just the normal course of nature of things but I felt like he was in another world and he hadn't asked to make plans with me. I told him that I thought the dynamic was off...Blame if on PMS or me crashing from my Chai Latte caffeine fix...but we now have plans for Saturday. Which is fine that I brought it up because he has asked all the other times. I'm just confused and am I going to not hear from him until I see him at work on Tuesday (we have Monday off)? Argh. And did my snoring but him off too?

On top of all of this, I saw in his living room that he is scheduled to take a Mensa test. WTF? Am I too dumb for him, too?

I'm just going to see what happens but I was just telling someone yesterday that I liked how I didn't have to question things. Guess I spoke too soon.

Keeper

This is what I was greeted with when I met Graham in Trafalgar Square before the play last night!

He hid the bouquet behind his back, gave me a kiss and presented me with them. Super cute! We had a great time and he is such a gentleman. I wore a skirt and during the play he placed his hand my thigh and stroked my skin affectionately (not sexually). He asked if I minded that he "was perving on" my legs. Too cute. We had our hands all over each other but not disgustingly so...more caressing. Very sweet. There was more kissing and it was goooooood! He told me he should have sent the email weeks ago asking me out on a date!

We have plans to meet in Piccadilly Circus tomorrow afternoon to see Ripley's Believe It or Not but he said if the weather is nice he wouldn't mind sitting in the park with a bottle of champagne. Seriously too good to be true!

I'm so dizzy

My head is spinning!

Graham and I had a great time on our date and he was soooo cute fretting at the comedy club because the first act was terrible and he said he would take me somewhere cooler if I promised to give him another chance. Luckily the last two acts were hilarious!

We stayed out until 3am just talking and kissing. We had our first kiss in a bar...I was trying to hold out (for the story or at least under a streetlamp or something equally cheesy) but our lips had other plans!

I found out he doesn't have kids and has never been married so he's traveling light on the baggage. He asked me why I wasn't taken because "your beautiful, and smart and funny and just fantastic". Swoonage. Turns out he was supposed to meet his family last Monday when we had our first date and he told his mum he had to do something life changing. (!!!) There were talks about the future and where both of us are in our lives which seems to be the same page. So we will just have to take it slow and figure out if we're as compatible as we think we are.

And honestly, I'm a little freaked out but in a good way. I haven't felt this way before. It is a bit tricky because he sits 30 feet away from me and I see him everyday and I told him I didn't want us to do anything during the day together because if we didn't work at the same company we wouldn't be able to have lunch, get coffee etc....so we don't go to each other's desks to chat but if we're in the hall at the same time we'll stop and talk.

We have plans to see a play (he likes theater, yay!) on Thursday and he's just soooo sweet! And if everything goes well (which it will) we'll hang out this weekend, too!

Dare I say that I might have a date to the wedding I'm a bridesmaid in in November...I probably just jinxed it for sure!

Seriously Excited

Like seriously, about my date with Graham Cracker Crunch tomorrow night! He wanted to grab coffee with me before I left for the day today but we couldn't because the shop was closed so he left work early to ride the tube into town together. And seriously his compliments to me couldn't be any cuter! Example: "I was playing on my new guitar last night. It's the third best thing to come out of the States" Me, "What are the top 2?" Him, "There's Jimi Hendrix at number 2 and of course you at number 1.". Yes he can have some wine with that cheese...but he says it in a genuinely joking way that is HILARIOUS!

So we're going to dinner and then a comedy club in Covent Garden. Deets to follow!

The upDATE

I don't want to jinx it but I have a good feeling about this one.

We had a great time at the Porterhouse and time flew by. This is what I learned:

• He's 34
• Very funny
• Owns his flat and renovated it
• Is half Swiss, half Brit (he wears cuff links - lover it!)
• Lived in Australia for a year and a half
• Extremely complimentary and flattering
• Boxes, surfs and plays guitar in a band
• Likes my laugh and legs - looked like a school boy when he told me this!
• Extremely witty
• Smart
• Creative
• Super cute (and good dresser) but has a dorky side, which I love since I am a dork as well!

The list goes on...We have a 2nd date on Saturday night! I'm playing it cool but I can't stop talking about him or thinking about him (might have something to do with him sitting 20 feet away)! Things could get tricky but I'm not jumping into anything and we ended the date with a kiss on the cheek. Slow and steady. Sllllloooooooooowwwwwww and steady!