Goodbyes

You know what really sucks? Losing another grandparent in the span of six months and having to say goodbye to your 90 year-old grandmother because she's "ready to go". She's been in the hospital since Monday and isn't eating or drinking and the doctors have called in Hospice. It's also heartbreaking to speak with your bawling father on the phone while he watches his mother slip away.

I remember climbing onto her plump lap as a little girl and using her massive boobs as pillows and inhaling her distinct "Mimi" smell of Avon Skin So Soft and peppermint oil. Where she use to be twice my size, she's now smaller than I am and wasting away.

I know she's looking forward to seeing my grandfather, who died 7 years ago, in Heaven but she will be missed by her four children, eight grandchildren and eight great-grandchildren.

Suffocating in doubt

Hi all...sorry it's been soooo long. I had every intention to write while I was recovering but then my 5 weeks off work went by in a blur and here I am. It's been a pretty bad summer....one of the worsts yet.

Here it goes:

1.) My grandfather died 2 weeks ago to his battle with cancer. I flew back for the funeral and it was all surreal. It's not really real to me and I think it's weird that I haven't cried, really cried, since my hysterical sobbing at the cemetery. Christmas is not going to be the same nor is my life. From being an active, hilarious, golf playing, world traveling grandfather to one that I would speak to laying in a hospital bed to weak to even carry on a 2 minute conversation (that killed me). I must have done all of my crying the 2 weeks before his death but I still tear up. I'm just sad that my future husband* and children will never know such a hilarious man.

2.) I'm healing fine. I can now work out and am walking around normal but still have a tiny pooch that will go down with exercise and still a little sore. I'm glad the doctor got all the fibroids out but stressed to know I have endometrosis which also effects getting pregnant. Which I'm not and even if I was trying...which leads me to

3.) Boys. I could have really used bear hugs and back rubs during this time (of my grandfather) but boys basically suck right now. Have I told you how sick I am of guys promising me the world and then not delivering? Well, I am. And I just feel like I'm not worth the effort for these guys to be in a relationship. I went out with Safa and his friends and after chatting and a few cocktails I learned that surprise surprise he's not going to Bali anytime soon and when I asked him why we weren't dating then (since that was his reason for bailing) he said he was "comfy". Can I tell you how much I HATE that word? So basically he's comfortable hanging out with his friends and drinking and doesn't feel like I'm worth the effort. I'm also sick of having communication via text/email only in between seeing them in person. You can't build a relationship on this. I also don't know what to do with "I haven't counted you out (dating you)" said by another bozo. Then get off your flipping ass and actually date me.

I know what I want out of life but I'm overwhelmed with fear of getting cancer, not finding my soul mate and having kids (at a reasonable age). I'm also stressed with the time difference and trying to connect with my friends to find out how their lives are going...and I know it shouldn't be all on me to make the effort but I'm the one that chose to live here.

A little down in the dumps, which is not to say that I'm not going out...which I am a lot actually. Trying to keep myself occupied with friends and work. I just hope time heals all of this and I can be truly happy sans medication.

Goings Ons

Sorry I've been m.i.a. I've had a lot going on with work and personal stuff....here's the run down:

1) My grandfather may have lung cancer and kidney cancer. He is undergoing several biopsy’s to figure out what is wrong with him. He’s only 80 and we’re very close so this is hitting me especially hard.

2) I have to have a c-section sometime in the near future to take out fibroid tumors in my uterus and one that is pressing on my bladder. I went to the gyno because I was having irregular and brutal/painful periods and they did an ultrasound and MRI and came to this conclusion. My mom is going to have to come over for 2 weeks to help me as I will not be able to walk/work for 4 weeks. Not looking forward to it but if it will let me have a baby in the future then so be it. I had my appendix taken out laproscopically and that hurt like a biotch with 3 tiny incisions in my stomach muscles…I can only imagine what a 6 inch gash is going to feel like.

3) Of course I’ve finally mastered the art of dating; ie dating multiple people and just having fun (in a non sexual way). I’m in the narrowing down phase but it really has taken the pressure and usual psycho analyzing out of the equation and I’m actually able to enjoy dating again.
The contenders are:
Saf (South African) – The very same from February that I peed in the bush with. I randomly met up with him and some of his friends a couple of weeks ago. Needless to say Saf was three sheets to the wind and professed that we needed to date. The only consolation is that he may or may not loose his job soon and if he does then he’s off to Bali to surf for 6 months. We went out a couple of times before he left for Germany for 2 weeks to cycle the Danube river. He’s very outdoorsy and very funny and I can't wait for him to come back.
Richy (British) – nickname because he owns 3 companies and wined and dined me when we went out. I met him in March at a bar and gave him my card but didn’t go out with him until the beginning of May. We had a great time but I have this feeling he’s a player…35 still single and cash to burn. He keeps telling me he wants to see me but is yet to make plans to actually do it. He does call so that's good...but maybe not enough. He's too busy hanging out at Richard Branson's house it seems. All games and I’m not having it really.
Bartender (Aussie)– my flatmate and I had a cinco de mayo party a couple weeks ago and we went to our local pub beforehand for dinner/stomach lining. The cute Australian bartender and I had been making eyes at each other for about a month so I got up the courage to ask him how to make a margarita. He didn’t know how but I somehow invited him to our party and clichély gave him my number on a cocktail napkin. He had to go out with friends that night but he texted me and sometime in the future I’m sure I’ll try his concoction of a margarita.

4.) Is it bad that I'm stressing out that my dating life will go to pot when I have my surgery? My friends say that will be the true test of character for the person I'm dating and how they handle the situation. Blah.

5.) I’m going to Boston on Thursday to visit my friend Christina and her husband and meet their little 1 ½ year old daughter, Paige. They have another one on the way and I’m excited to hang out in Beantown. Hello lobster rolls and clam chowder! I was supposed to stay until Sunday but have changed my ticket to fly down to New Orleans on Saturday - Monday to spend time with my parents and grandparents. The grandparents don’t know that I have to have the surgery but I wanted to see my grandfather while I was in the states in case (heaven forbid) something were to happen while I’m laid up in bed and can’t fly home. I’m surprising them so hopefully they like they’re treat!

6.) Other than that, I’ve been hanging out with friends, working a lot and going to concerts like a fiend.

I missed you guys!

Broken

Sorry it's been a while. I've been feeling under the weather for a while now...well literally I have the flu but emotionally I'm depressed. I don't know if it was my 30th birthday (last week) that brought this on or the whole break up thing but it's here.

While I was home I saw my family doctor and she gave me meds to help. I vowed never to get back on them (I had a bought with anxiety and depression in college after my childhood friend died suddenly in a car accident and I didn't know how to deal with it). But in this case, it's just needed. I'm not myself. I'm not eating (on the bright side I've lost 10 pounds and I'm wearing pants loosely that used to only give me a camel toe). I'm not sleeping. I'm distracted. My friends and family notice and I'm not being the person that I want to be. It's getting better now that I've been on the pills but I still need to work on letting go of trying to control every aspect of my life.

Gone

Well, no update on the Nate situation. It seems he's done a runner and I won't be hearing from him again. Because who really doesn't wish you a safe trip and surgery, even as a friend? (Update: I got a text this morning while getting ready for the airport: Have a good trip. I think I'm just going to text back: Thanks. And leave it at that). Next. Oh but Nate, thanks for all of the 10th grade dry humping...I really enjoyed it. And no, that doesn't happen to everyone and it IS a problem.

I'm over it.

Anyway, I leave tomorrow morning for H-Town and after I arrive I'll have t-minus 12 hours before I go under the knife. Yikes! Super nervous about it but in the long run it will be okay. Plus I'll be able to breathe and (hopefully) not snore when I'm sleeping next to my Prince Charming someday. I know he's out there but the universe just wants me to busy myself with a bunch of frogs at the moment. At least it makes for some decent stories.

In the meantime, I'm looking forward to busying myself with family and friends for the next couple of weeks - I plan to milk being "the patient" for all it's worth!

Meet the Friends

So things with Nate are good and I didn't scare him away with the crazy. I heard from him this week and we have plans to meet up with several groups of his friends in Hyde Park today to enjoy the 80 degree temperatures and hopefully work on our tans! I'm feeling the pressure to be ON but I think it will be lots of fun so I'll let you know the outcome. We might go to one of my friend's house warming party so the shoe will be on the other foot...I'm excited to see him which is always a good sign!

In other news, I won't be homeless! Since I'm moving here permanently, I'm essentially being cut off from expenses and my $3,200 (everything is made out of gold here) a month flat. I'm moving in with HM (aka Lamey Lamerson) but I think it will work out fine. After searching for several weeks and seeing nothing but shit holes, we found a perfect flat one tube stop away from where I currently live (choice location) and I'm super excited about it! We don't move in until June 15th but we're both going out of the country next week and wanted this sorted before we left.

So now all I have to stress about is work, my 10 hour flight home (of course cured by Xanax) and my deviated septum surgery on Thursday. Since I can't fly for 2 weeks after due to pressure, my company is letting me work from home which is awesome. I'm secretly glad I don't have to trek to the Houston office looking like I just got a nose job!

IKEA is the bomb!

Today, in an effort to help us forget about "Oops-upside-your-head-Thursday", HM and I ventured up to IKEA for some retail therapy. I had been semi-agoraphobic all day yesterday (plus needed to save money since I've been going out a lot lately) and was looking forward to our little outing. We were literally 10 feet away from making our purchases when we were ushered out of the store because of a bomb threat. Awesome. We didn't have to wait that long to collect our belongings, so it must not have been real.

But in the words of Elliot Reed, "What the FRICK?????"

Seriously, Universe?

Luckily, I'm finding all of this hysterically funny and I can't wait to see what's in store for next week!

Random acts of Violence

Life is funny. One minute you're laughing over dessert and the next a stranger walks into the restaurant and bashes your head and your friend's head into the wall next to your table, sing songs "Sorry" and leaves with a smirk on his face then looks back at you through the window as you gaze at him with a dazed expression on your face, too in shock to fathom what just fucking happened.

After a couple of minutes, our waiter came by and asked if we knew him. I was like no we do not know the guy that just bashed our heads into the wall and even if we did...WTF? So HM and I sat there for at least 30 minutes in complete and utter shock. I called my dad and then the waterworks started. My dad calmed me down and said it was probably someone on drugs and that everything would be alright. HM and I kept looking at each other in utter disbelief. Then a police van pulled up to a commotion that was happening outside the restaurant. Turns out it was the guy that had assaulted us being arrested. My adrenaline cranked up and I ran out of the restaurant and asked the cop if I could give a statement and went into hysterics about how he just walked in and bitch slapped us into the wall. There was a big crowd gathered and I have no idea what all i said but I got very emotional.

Long story short, we went to the police station along with his other victims. Chronologically, he started with us, then went down the road where he pushed a lady locking up her store, forcing her to fall into her coworker standing there (she had to go to the hospital because she couldn't walk and the coworker's knee was the size of a grapefruit), then turned back in the direction he started and pushed a girl from behind forcing her to fall to the ground (she was sooo out of it at the station). Luckily this caused people to confront him and wrestle him to the ground, not before he pushed and kicked an old man trying to help the girl out. While we were waiting around to give our statements, a man came to the station. We asked if he was another victim and he was like no I just got a call that my son was arrested. I felt really bad for the man. He seemed so normal. The police officer that took my statement said the guy was mentally ill. Turns out 2 more people called the station from the hospital about being attacked by the same person, one with a broken hip. Not sure if the case will go to trial but still shocked that people (sane or insane) can be so incredibly evil.

I'm fine just have a bump on my head from hitting the wall as does HM. I keep playing it over and over. It happened so quickly but also in slow motion, if that makes sense. I know it could have been a LOT worse and I'm just glad that everyone is relatively okay.

2008 - off to a bumpy start

I hope you all had a great holiday!

I'm back in the UK and and so glad to be back in my second home. I had a great time while at home for 2 weeks and an even awesomer time in San Francisco with Mandy. We were up to no good and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

I've been quiet lately because I'm afraid of the responses I would get about not following your advice of going on hiatus. And while I honestly tried, I couldn't help what happened next. Call me a fool or just a helpless romantic that is optimistic when it comes to love. I now call myself delusional.

It goes back to my birthday at the end of November. A few weeks before that, I had invited Skully to attend because I liked him. Long story short, my birthday celebration came and I avoided him trying to meet up with my friends and I like the plague. I wanted to enjoy my day without feeling like I had to babysit someone. And I really did have a blast with my friends. The next day however, I felt terrible that he waited for like an hour and a half for my friends and I to show up at the original meeting spot (I changed the venue at the last minute since it was raining). Since we work together, I didn't want there to be any hard feelings so I texted to tell him I was sorry that the wires got crossed. Somehow I got roped into meeting him for drinks with him and his brother's fiance that night. That's when my feelings changed. He was a real person with cute growing up stories. He seemed different to me. So he told me things were different now. (Before remember there was the whole love triangle scenario with his ex that I wanted no part of). I voiced my concern about it again and he reassured me that he broke up with her because he could never love her...plus she was a depressed, alcoholic and had jealousy issues.

So we hung out and he called when he said he would and we went to our company party and had a blast. He spent the entire weekend with me that weekend, never going home. Then after that he spent 95% of his nights at my place before I left for the states on the 21st and he left for a month long Moroccan surfing and France skiing adventure.

He called about 3 times the first week I was gone and right before New Year's when I was at the airport to go to San Fran. We had a good conversation and he said he would call in a couple of days.

A couple of days and a week and a half went by. Intuition is a powerful thing really. I can feel when something isn't right yet I try to tell myself that I'm just being negative. I should have listened from the beginning of my gut concern of him getting back together with the ex.

He called at noon today to tell me he couldn't see me anymore. And that he was in London and had been for a couple of days. He took so long to call because he had to pluck the courage to tell me that he had flown back to see N and that they weren't back together but they weren't not together and that it wasn't fair for me if he continued to see me. He did this while I was at flipping work. I'm now at home. Nothing productive would come out of me being there today really. I'm reflecting on my life choices more than him really.

But still gobsmacked.

But like the others, I'll survive....again. Please don't judge to harshly.

On a side note: I called Kanger (no answer) and had diarrhea of Facebook messages (no reply thank God!) on New Year's Eve night. Even had a cry fest with Mandy at 3am in the morning that I wanted Kanger sans baby and baggage. So I know I'm not 100% into Skully....but it doesn't prevent the sting and smarting.

Distractions

These past few weeks have been crazy!

I've been to a couple of concerts lately The Dandy Warhols and Lovers Electric- both brilliant. Been going out a lot. Was propositioned while meeting up with friends at a bar across town by a drunk Australian (of course) "before I go home, can you give me a wank?". WTF? I replied "probably not going to happen!" over my shoulder. This past weekend a bloke was chatting me up and then proceeded to try to kiss me while my friends weren't looking and tell me all the different ways he would pleasure me-very graphically. Um...hi, we just met like 5 seconds ago and that is a HUGE turn off! Why can't I just meet someone normal?

At least I had these incidents to distract me from thinking about the rumor that was going around in the Houston office that my name was on a list to go to Singapore. Excuse me, what? Needless to say the freak out occurred and now I have my list of reasons why I don't want to go there all prepared if and when I'm approached. Mainly I have established a life HERE and call me crazy but I don't feel like living in a hotel for months again. I had a meeting with one of the big bosses again today that was reassuring that I would be still staying in London. Thank God! But I'm not going to feel 100% great about it until I sign another contract.

I've also been rather down lately about the relationship situation or lack there of. I got into a huge yelling match on the phone (sound familiar? do you see a pattern?) with the Cog after a bottle of wine on Thursday with friends and no dinner. I don't even want to BE with him....I think it's just the principle of him not wanting to date me only...you know and hello I should be the 28 year old tart he should be falling all over. I know. I'm fucked up. I might have texted him when we hung up "i don't want to keep you from all the 40 year-olds (at the pub he was at) that might get away". I think I have anger issues, too. (Back story: there was a relapse 2 weeks ago when he was in town for a dinner).

I'm going through some issues. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm just hoping for more distractions...of the good kind.

Orange Alert

I sit here severely hungover after a night of fun with Blake and friends. Although, most of the evening I was drooling over Blake's roommate's Irish boyfriend. That boy is H.O.T. and hilarious. Oh well. I'm hoping he has equally hot and hilarious friends that he'll bring on our Greece trip in August that is in the works. Blake and I are actually going to southern Spain next weekend to relax and work on our tans but first I have to make a stop in Africa.

Yeah. Not cool African safari Africa. But Northern Africa in the middle of the flipping Sahara with Arabic as their first language and me pretty much being the only female for miles. There was a kidnapping just last week of an expat. So looking forward to it. There really isn't any point in me going but "to be a distraction to the locals with your blonde hair" (and gender is what I'm thinking) at the meeting I am attending with my boss. Yep, he actually sad that. And we have to ride to this meeting with an armed convoy. AK47 style. Can you say I haven't really been sleeping this week? I've seen my accommodation, too. I'm too girly to really "rough it"-think the worst Motel 6. Should be interesting.

If I can just get past the next 4 days, Spain will be smooth sailing. Seriously hope to write in a week!

Mad

at myself.

The past couple of weeks I've been doing things that just aren't...well me. It's like I'm having an out of body experience. Where I see the things I'm doing and know that they aren't good for me yet don't stop myself, let the experience continue so that I can dwell on it and create more self resentment. The old me would run for the hills in this situation. Wouldn't even dream of getting into the situation in the first place. The old me had morals and standards and expectations. But I'm obviously going through something... boredom, jadedness, bitterness- who knows?

I do know that it has to stop and that tomorrow starts a new day.

Lady Lump(s)

While home for the holidays, I've been visiting my doctors left and right to get them out of the way before I head back to London. Ear nose and throat doctor here, dentist there, yearly women's exam somewhere in between. During this visit, my doctor felt a lump-type thing on my left boob. She said it's probably nothing. Maybe calcium deposits or breast tissue. But I can't help to have every thought in the book fly through my head right now. And the hours until my ultrasound results are revealed to her and she calls me on my cell phone tomorrow are excruciating. I'm trying to hold it together in front of my parents who are fear stricken but it's getting harder. The "what ifs" are endless and have a 50% chance of becoming very real...