Distractions

These past few weeks have been crazy!

I've been to a couple of concerts lately The Dandy Warhols and Lovers Electric- both brilliant. Been going out a lot. Was propositioned while meeting up with friends at a bar across town by a drunk Australian (of course) "before I go home, can you give me a wank?". WTF? I replied "probably not going to happen!" over my shoulder. This past weekend a bloke was chatting me up and then proceeded to try to kiss me while my friends weren't looking and tell me all the different ways he would pleasure me-very graphically. Um...hi, we just met like 5 seconds ago and that is a HUGE turn off! Why can't I just meet someone normal?

At least I had these incidents to distract me from thinking about the rumor that was going around in the Houston office that my name was on a list to go to Singapore. Excuse me, what? Needless to say the freak out occurred and now I have my list of reasons why I don't want to go there all prepared if and when I'm approached. Mainly I have established a life HERE and call me crazy but I don't feel like living in a hotel for months again. I had a meeting with one of the big bosses again today that was reassuring that I would be still staying in London. Thank God! But I'm not going to feel 100% great about it until I sign another contract.

I've also been rather down lately about the relationship situation or lack there of. I got into a huge yelling match on the phone (sound familiar? do you see a pattern?) with the Cog after a bottle of wine on Thursday with friends and no dinner. I don't even want to BE with him....I think it's just the principle of him not wanting to date me only...you know and hello I should be the 28 year old tart he should be falling all over. I know. I'm fucked up. I might have texted him when we hung up "i don't want to keep you from all the 40 year-olds (at the pub he was at) that might get away". I think I have anger issues, too. (Back story: there was a relapse 2 weeks ago when he was in town for a dinner).

I'm going through some issues. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm just hoping for more distractions...of the good kind.

Cog has left the building (and my bed)

Cog's last day was today. We were supposed to meet up last night but it didn't happen, mainly because he was hammered and I didn't feel like traveling 40 minutes to babysit a 43 year-old child.

I've been seeing the Cog for about three months now. And by seeing we all know that means just sex. I thought I could do it but I can't. I need commitment and plans.

We said goodbye this morning at work and he said he'd call, but my gut feeling is that he won't and if he did it would only be for one thing and I can't do that anymore. I've been feeling myself drop into a bit of a depression. I cry for no reason, I can't eat and I try to control every aspect of my life, which only makes things worse.

I wrote Cog an email (shocker) to end things once and for all (amicably of course, since he'll still be in the same industry and I don't need him to spread around what we did). I was balling my eyes out when I wrote it, which is strange because the whole time we were "together", I knew things would never escalate. I could never introduce him to my parents and friends as my boyfriend. He has an eight-year-old child and did I mention that he still lives with his ex-girlfriend. Yeah, I'm sure nothing still goes on there. So fucked up, right? I think I was balling more that no relationships, even casual ones, seem to work out for me.

I'm also upset that I let it go on for so long knowing all of these details. I only ever saw him during the week and it was very sporadic. He really is a fun and adventurous guy. I did things I wouldn't have dreamed of doing. He is more of a bad boy and I think that's why I hung on for so long.

I also needed a distraction from thinking of Kanger - which I forgot to mention (that when we played tennis he told me) his baby mama is preggers with some dude's baby and getting married but hasn't even told Kanger about it. He learned about it from his four-year-old daughter. How fucked up is that and in a way how fucked up has that probably made Kanger in the head? He's on his 2 month European adventure now and, sadly, I still think about him. In case you don't know me by now, my name is Texas Cinderella and I have issues with letting go.

I'm reading books on how to trust the Universe and that certain people come into your life on purpose because they're a type of stepping stone to get you to where you're going in life. So essentially everything happens for a reason. I just wish it wasn't so painful when they left.

Now if only I could let go (of the control) and actually start trusting.

High Maintenance

I thought I could handle a purely physical kind of "relationship" to detach myself from actually feeling anything and just go with the flow. But I was wrong.

I’m not remotely interested in having a real life relationship with the COG but the fact that on Friday morning he point blank ignored me and read the paper the whole 45 minutes on the train to work, put me off. It’s called the principle of things. The principle that not an hour earlier he was “all about me” and then once things were consummated, he detached from the situation.

It would be fine that his silence was due to a hang over from the night before but this has happened on more than one occasion. It’s always some excuse or the other when I call him out on it but on Friday he had the nerve to say that I was high maintenance and asked if I was left in my crib as a baby. Wtf? Who says shit like that? No, COG I actually have standards (that I seem to have put away for all of summer) and don’t really enjoy the feeling of being used so, yes, in a way I guess I am high maintenance. And I don't think there is anything wrong with that. So I’m ending this shenanigan with the COG tomorrow. Plain and simple.

UPDATE: Cheeky bastard isn't in today. Figures. {{shakes fists}}

*On my way home from work on Friday afternoon, Kanger called but I missed it by one ring before it went to voicemail (it came up as just a number and didn't realize it was him until after the fact). He didn’t leave a message or text. I didn’t call or text him back-I erased his number from my missed calls before I went out on Friday night, again. It leaves me to wonder if his friends were using his phone again or if he was actually calling to apologize for everything that happened. And if he was thinking that I would text/call him back when I saw that I missed his call or if he's going to call ever again. It leaves me kicking myself that if I would have answered the flipping phone in time I could have found out and now I may never know. AHHHHHH.

Mr. Dwindle

Days with the COG may be slowly dwindling. He's moving to another project in another office location soon. Proximity was really the convenience of this "thing". We shall see. Might actually be a blessing in disguise...

But we're going out (mind you with our coworkers so we will have to keep it all in check, but I know where he'll end up...and it's not on my couch) on Thursday so maybe that will be our last tryst - I haven't decided.

Recappage

To follow in Golightly's footsteps, I'll break down what has been going on in my world over the last couple of weeks by category:

Africa

Was interesting. I did learn a lot while there and I'd always wanted to go but it was more like camping than the safari I had dreamt of and that little thing called work. Being with your boss for 14 hours 4 days straight got a little draining but I think that would happen with anyone in 130F heat.

Spain

Blake and I had a b.l.a.s.t! We soaked up the sun during the day and partied hard at night. I'd always wanted to go to Nikki Beach (sadly because of Tara Reid's Wild On.. show). It was full of beautiful people. Blake was in heaven. I had to constantly wipe the drool off his mouth. The second night we found this great place called Puerto Banus with a string of bars that spilled out into the streets. Let's just say free shots all night long contributed to me being holed up in the bathroom our last day. Luckily I rallied and was able to enjoy the sun. We have our Greece trip all lined up with his roommate and another one of her friends for the end of the month. Should be good times!

Kanger

We played tennis. He won, only because I was afraid to fall on my ass (again in front of him) on the AstroTurf and sand. We grabbed drinks after and talked about everything and at his suggestion he said I could have a rematch when I got back from Texas 2 weeks later. Stupidly I was drinking red wine and told him that he should get off at my stop after making out with him all the way to the tube station. He said he didn't have his clothes for work the next day and to his credit he does live 40 minutes away and 40 minutes to work. So he said that after our rematch he would bring his clothes and stay over. Fast forward to this week (2 weeks later) and we texted back and forth with him not suggesting what he suggested before I left. Are we seeing a pattern? So in my stupidness I said we should hang out before he leaves for his trip (in 3 weeks he's traveling for 2 months and may or may not work in London before moving back to Australia in December). That text was on Tuesday and silence and crickets. So me not wanting to look like I lover him again, I called him out once and for all in the form of this text on Thursday night:

"Deja fucking vu. Why say shit that you had no intention of even happening? You can treat that as a rhetorical questions since you're selective in your replies. I get that you're traveling and moving back but it doesn't make it any less dick or fucked up - two things I didn't think you were."

And you can guess what kind of response I got from that. His signature move.

*Update: I received a text from Kanger on Friday night. I had been at the pub with friends and was on my way home at midnight since I was still jet lagged. I could tell he was wasted and he said he wanted to meet up. Long story short his mates were in town and had gotten a hold of his phone. I should have caught on when he texted he wanted to see me....naked. But me being the fool said I wanted to meet up too. A lot of phone tossing with me actually talking to his mates before finally speaking (read: yelling) at Kanger after he told me he hadn't texted me any of it and after he hung up once I started crying. I told him again that he was fucked up and played mind games. Then I hung up on him after asking if him and his friends were 12 years old. A whole bottle of wine will make you do/say crazy things. Mandy helped console me all the way in San Francisco and talked me down (much appresh). I am officially turned off and will never speak to him again. Asshole.

Home

Home was hectic but fun. I got a baseball game in, went to the doctor and dentist (where I got way too out of control with the nitrious oxide), had a girly spa day with my friends, threw a baby shower for CW and spent time with my friends and family. I went home mainly for my 10 year high school reunion, which I highly recommend! I went with all of my friends that I've known and have remained in touch with for years-many from the 1st grade. We pre-partied before hand and got there fashionably late but with enough time to talk to people we hadn't seen in 10 years. We partied it down with the DJ that played 90s hits-so much fun jamming to Paperboy's "Ditty". (I can't find it on itunes to download it-sadness!)

The COG

What can I say? He's still in the mix. Right now I'm in the mind frame of just having fun. Lord knows I've been looking in all the wrong places and finding frogs. He's different and a good distraction right now. And I know nothing between us will ever progress and become serious, so why not? I can see him on the weekdays and be on the prowl for new merchandise on the weekends. A perfect combination. A little complicated with the whole working together thing...but as you know I love good drama. :)

Work

Work is good. After going home, I realized that I really don't have any desire to come home in November when my contract is up. Which brings up the part where while I was home I didn't go into the office to talk to my boss about this to make sure he worked from his end to get me on another project here. To make matters worse, my dad's best friend, the Vice President of my department sent me a sarcastic email saying that he was sorry I didn't have the time to say hello while I was home and that he was sure my boss appreciated it, too. My dad's best friend lives in my parents neighborhood and I could have easily stopped by but didn't plan accordingly. So now I have to basically kiss people's asses in Houston and in London to get on another project. My time in London can't be over in November...I'm not ready!

She's Alive! (updated)

I made it (barely). I have so many stories from my adventure to Africa but will have to elaborate later. I leave with Blake this afternoon for Espana but I promise to post about both trips, which if this picture (below) is any indication, will be polar opposites of each other. This is the hole I reluctantly had to pee in.... (Effing sick!)
I do however need your advice!!!

Kanger texted me when he landed on Sunday night from his 2 week holiday in Australia. After a 24 hour flight and after leaving him with the wonderful drunken rant in his head before he left-I'm not reading too much into this or anything -yeah right. I really didn't think he would contact me again or if he did, like after he was readjusted to London life. The text ended by asking if I had been practicing my tennis. (For our yet to be played match). Anyway, I didn't get the text until yesterday afternoon because I didn't take my cell phone with me to BFA. I texted him back that I was glad he had a good trip and asked about his sister's wedding and that I hadn't been practicing but had picked up some pointers from Wimbledon to use on him. I went to sleep at 10pm last night without a text back-I was exhausted having not been able to sleep properly for fear of a scorpion or snake crawling into my bed. At 11:30pm, my flat phone rang (my cell was on vibrate) when Blake called to talk about some last minute Spain details. I was so out of it that I don't even remember the conversation just that it scared the shit out of me!

I did, however, in my sleepy stupor get up to look at my cell phone and saw that I had 2 missed calls, so I scrolled down and it said one was from Blake and the other from Kanger. When I went to look at the details of when Kanger had called, I accidentally deleted the call record. So now I don't know if I was so asleep that I imagined that I had a missed call from him or if he really did meraculously call. He didn't leave a message. So now I don't know what to do. I'm not one to return a call if there isn't a message unless it's one of my good friends, especially now that I don't really have proof it happened. Mandy suggests I wait it out this weekend to see if he contacts me again while I'm gone and if he doesn't to just send a friendly "Hey what's up?" text on Monday. Thoughts?

UPDATE: I got home on Sunday to find a text from Kanger, so my initial plan of should I or shouldn't I send a text was kyboshed. I texted him back to be nice. He kept asking about this tennis match of ours and I didn't push when, how, what and he was doing all the work. He's even apologizing if he doesn't get back to me right away. So we are playing on Thursday- I think. No justt kidding we will. And I know you guys will probably be disappointed that I'm even meeting him but it's just something I need and want to do. I'm going out with the COG tomorrow night so it's not like I'm pinning away for Kanger. Although the COG is another situation in and of itself. I just want to have fun!

I'm done with boys, men, ASSHOLES

Things with COG, er, "progressed" on Thursday night after half a bottle of red wine and some vodka spirits. Now I know that I'm definitely not interested in dating this guy (man) nor see any sort of future with him but when someone tells you that they are going to come over on Saturday night, you tend to believe them. Until, you know, they don't. And they don't even call to tell you they aren't coming, nor do they call the next day with a lame excuse. The best is that he had my number and I didn't have his to be like 'what the fuck?' And honestly my intuition was telling me that he wasn't going to come over in the back of my mind when we parted ways on Friday morning. Something just felt off. But being the nice person I am, I like to give them the benefit of the doubt.

So Saturday, I went on a pub crawl during the day with some of my friends, left to meet COG and when he didn't show between 6-7pm his proposed time, I met my friends back out. All was not lost but it's the flipping principle of things. Have a little respect. And the fact that we are in such close proximity with each other during the week, one would think he would try not to look like a using ass. Monday should be very interesting to say the least.

So I think I'm tossing in the towel on the male gender for a while. I thought I could just have fun to pass the time until Mr. Right floated along but all I'm kissing lately are frogs. And I'm sick of frogs. Frogs suck. They tell you what you want to hear when you want to hear it. And then they don't follow through. I deserve soooo much better and repeatedly putting myself in this destructive pattern is not helping my well being.

Where is my prince already?

*UPDATE: So COG emails me a sorry about the weekend note. And I was like all you had to do was call to cancel, it's no big deal we didn't get together. Turns out he had the last digit wrong of my phone number - I made him call me standing in front of me with my phone that was clearly not ringing - and left a message on that persons voicemail. Whateves. Think I've changed my mind and am now into using men as much as they use me. The COG is very good at certain things ladies. No emotional ties especially since I know it's not going anywhere. Game on!

Rage against the Machine (ie Cell phone)

What if after 3 glasses of wine (when your limit is clearly 1 glass when no dinner is involved) with the COG (for the second night in a row) you do something crazy. Like somehow find a certain phone number even though you erased it from your phonebook and were very thorough to delete it from your text message inbox and outbox. But by sheer luck the number still sits in your received call log from the time you missed his call weeks ago*.

And what if you start texting on the tube back to your flat, like a mad person and saying everything that is possibly in your head about the situation and when you run out of room you send that text and start a new one, this time to fill him in on what you've been doing since he was too much of a rudeass to ask last time. And you tell him he was a rudeass too. You tell him where you're living now and that you are going home in July for your 10 year high school reunion and that you are even going to Ibiza, so there. And what if you get a text back saying "easy tiger" and that sends you even more over the edge and into crying hysterics that you try calling but of course the phone is not picked up on his end so you text that this is a shock that he isn't answering. Of course sarcastically.

You call your friends back home for them to talk you down off of this alcohol induced ledge only to receive a text that he's at a pub and will call you tomorrow. You be a smart ass and text back that you won't hold your breath on that one and that you really need to talk to him.

So he calls. And you say everything that is on your mind...you know reiterating what was said in already in drunken text and say that the whole situation was just fucked up. And that you were suppose to go back to the states and that it was the wine talking about being exclusive. And the day he stood you up for tennis you felt you were way too nice and basically "just bent over and took it". And somehow you talk about his trip to Australia which he leaves for on Friday and how he's going to see his daughter and la la la- normal conversation and all the while, he never hears you cry. He then tells you that you will play tennis when he gets back and you tell him not to blow smoke up your ass. Which makes him laugh. But let's face it, your psychotic episode pretty much guarantees you will not be getting a phone call when he gets back.

And it makes you sad. Because although finally talking to him after all this time is really what you needed, by showing your real self and your potty mouth that you usually kept in check with him, you know that this is officially over. For real. The opportunity lost forever. And only the handful of memories remain.

*very rarely do I get calls (unless I'm dating someone and clearly that is NOT the case right now) on my "mobile"...everything seems to be about text messages to make plans here...therefore why his missed call is still in my phone from the beginning of June.

Real Classy.

Just your typical day.

You know go to work, work a half day (normal for Fridays), go to the pub after work, make out with COG in a park on a park bench with school children playing 50 yards away. Hear things like "I want to shag* your brains out". Finish kissing then go your separate ways. Ride the tube in disbelief. Run errands. Go to the grocery store. Go for a run. Go out to dinner with friends and speak of none of this.

You know, typical day.

Which leads me to the question: What the hell am I thinking (doing)?

*Shagging did NOT occur, just for the record.

15 years my Senior

Thursday was....eventful to say the least.

I usually can remember the amount of shots and drinks I consume on a given night out...but not that night. COG and I were flirty flirty and I was desperately trying to keep it as secret as possible. But really when you're drinking how can you keep flirting and giving each other the "eyes" over drinks from people, other coworkers, around you.

I asked COG how old he thought I was and instead of trying to guess he told me he was 43 since that was really what I was getting at anyway. I mulled this over and in my drunken state this was okay to me. 15 years. No problem. Despite the fact that really he could have a 23 year old child if he had one at 20. Making his pseudo offspring 5 years younger than me...less of a gap. But I later found out he had an 8 year old daughter and has never been married. Phew! My drunken self thought it would be fun to see where adventures with an older man might go...who cares that I would have to see him everyday and that others where watching.

That's when the kiss(ing) happened. Luckily the others were equally as hammered and hopefully remember this as a hallucination. The kissing was quite good actually. Well would you expect anything less from someone with that much more experience on that? I think not.

Somehow it was 2am and we were heading back to my place after everyone had gone home. I promised myself that only kissing could happen. And that is exactly what went on but slept in my bed together naturally. You know me and sleeping with others in my bed. Did not go well and he snored. Negative.

We rode the train into work the next morning. COG was in his same clothes from the night before on casual friday! AHHHH. But no one said a thing and it turns out that a guy we were out with was so drunk he got sick in a cab! Someone was worse off than me!

There is a huge difference between a kiss and a kiss that could have had extreme dirty potential. Something about having COG's hands on my bum and kissing my neck in public. I'm sure I looked like a 28 year old tart. But you only live once.

Things are slightly awkward at work...you know having someone's tongue down your throat and all and telling them "This is really bad (situation)!" repeatedly...but I'm getting through it.

UPDATE: Not planning on dating COG but he did ask via email if "we will have another night out in London......or would that be bad?????". I think I'm "getting back together" with Kanger over the weekend to soften the blow...must be very careful with the situation at hand.

*I must tell you that while all of this was going on at the different pubs, I was texting back and forth with Kanger and talking shit about how I would totally kick his ass in tennis and that he must really be scared to lose to a girl. Needless to say we have been texting on and off since Thursday and he actually called me last night but my phone was off. But we have plans to have our match next Sunday afternoon. From what I've gathered from our texting, he quit his job and gave them a 2.5 month notice and is going traveling with his high school months for a couple of months after that and from what I deduce will be moving back to Oz after that. I'll get the full scoop next weekend. Really looking forward to seeing him.

I think I'm in for some T.R.O.U.B.L.E

I've been rather flirty via email and in person with a certain older gentleman (COG) that works with me. I can't figure out his age - I'm guessing around 38 at the oldest although could be way off. He arranged a night out for his department and invited me to join this Thursday. He also borrowed my umbrella during lunch today and held it hostage until I agreed to these terms:

1 You have to wear a skirt/dress on Thursday. (post explaining this to follow)
2 You have to look after me in the city of London and make sure that I’m not accosted.
3 You have to drink the same drinks that I drink (on the hour will be a drink of choice).
4 I get to have the first dance with you if we go to a club…….but you can’t stand on my toes.
5 Should the need arise you have to make me breakfast in the morning……..(not beans on toast though).
6 You have to teach me to talk ‘Texan’ in case the movie Dallas ever gets to the production line.

You have 30 mins to reply or the brelly gets it.

Can we say WTF to Number 5??? Oh. Dear.