Suffocating in doubt

Hi all...sorry it's been soooo long. I had every intention to write while I was recovering but then my 5 weeks off work went by in a blur and here I am. It's been a pretty bad summer....one of the worsts yet.

Here it goes:

1.) My grandfather died 2 weeks ago to his battle with cancer. I flew back for the funeral and it was all surreal. It's not really real to me and I think it's weird that I haven't cried, really cried, since my hysterical sobbing at the cemetery. Christmas is not going to be the same nor is my life. From being an active, hilarious, golf playing, world traveling grandfather to one that I would speak to laying in a hospital bed to weak to even carry on a 2 minute conversation (that killed me). I must have done all of my crying the 2 weeks before his death but I still tear up. I'm just sad that my future husband* and children will never know such a hilarious man.

2.) I'm healing fine. I can now work out and am walking around normal but still have a tiny pooch that will go down with exercise and still a little sore. I'm glad the doctor got all the fibroids out but stressed to know I have endometrosis which also effects getting pregnant. Which I'm not and even if I was trying...which leads me to

3.) Boys. I could have really used bear hugs and back rubs during this time (of my grandfather) but boys basically suck right now. Have I told you how sick I am of guys promising me the world and then not delivering? Well, I am. And I just feel like I'm not worth the effort for these guys to be in a relationship. I went out with Safa and his friends and after chatting and a few cocktails I learned that surprise surprise he's not going to Bali anytime soon and when I asked him why we weren't dating then (since that was his reason for bailing) he said he was "comfy". Can I tell you how much I HATE that word? So basically he's comfortable hanging out with his friends and drinking and doesn't feel like I'm worth the effort. I'm also sick of having communication via text/email only in between seeing them in person. You can't build a relationship on this. I also don't know what to do with "I haven't counted you out (dating you)" said by another bozo. Then get off your flipping ass and actually date me.

I know what I want out of life but I'm overwhelmed with fear of getting cancer, not finding my soul mate and having kids (at a reasonable age). I'm also stressed with the time difference and trying to connect with my friends to find out how their lives are going...and I know it shouldn't be all on me to make the effort but I'm the one that chose to live here.

A little down in the dumps, which is not to say that I'm not going out...which I am a lot actually. Trying to keep myself occupied with friends and work. I just hope time heals all of this and I can be truly happy sans medication.

Daggers and Tears

I'm going through a roller coaster of emotions. One minute I'm fine and have the everything happens for a reason attitude. The next I'm teary and don't understand the universe and the hurt that I'm going through. It didn't help that today, Graham's old cube mate asked how he was doing and I said that I wasn't sure. The guy literally acted like someone DIED. He was so sorry and didn't understand since we were getting on so well. Me either, I wanted to say but didn't.

What I don't understand is how someone could tell me that they were willing to give it a second try then disappear (aside from an email from his new work) then respond back to my email a week later and accept plans to meet up only to send another (harsh) email saying: I don't see this going anywhere. I don't feel the chemistry that I look for in a long term thing. I don't know what else to say. Don't you know if there is chemistry or not in the first month not THREE months? And wouldn't you think he could have spoken up to tell me this when he had plenty of opportunities to do so? It's my very own version of Carrie Bradshaw's post it note break up. What goes through a guy's head to be so impersonal after 3 months of dating that he can just toss me aside like that and just disappear into the sunset without ever looking back? I can understand an email after a month of casual dating but that...it baffles me. Of course I wrote back: You could start by not breaking up with someone over the phone or again over email at flipping work. I'm sorry you couldn't be a 34 year old man and do it the proper way. Maybe in your next endeavor you won't lead people on either. I'm also sorry that you feel this way and couldn't give it the second chance it deserved. No wonder you're still not married. Add all of the confusing things about marriage and kids (we walked by a daycare his last week and he said "our kids can go there" wtf?) Screw with my head much?

I just want to fast forward and get over it already but it's only been a week and I'm just sad at what could have been but pissed at the person he turned out to be. And equally furious that it was all over an email.

Starting over...

with Graham.

The past few weeks have been bumpy. The first weekend Graham got back from his trip, he was really sick and therefore we couldn't go out. This was frustrating but he was sick and there wasn't anything we could do about it. Then last weekend our schedules didn't match as I had plans with friends on Friday night and he had plans with friends on Saturday. Again frustrating but we compromised and promised to meet up after our friends on Friday. That's never a good combination with drinking, RAGING PMS, and frustration of not really connecting. Sure we see each other every single day but even that is hard because we have to be professional and reading the other person becomes tricky. So there was a fight at 2am and then we were supposed to see each other on Sunday but because of the fight, it didn't happen. He was mad at me for Friday and I was feeling blah because I felt he wasn't making an effort. So we talked about it on Monday and things seemed to be okay but I couldn't sleep all week because it just felt off. Which brings me to tonight. We were supposed to be on a date but we decided not to see each other until later on next week.

I think seeing each other Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday for 9 hours a day, sitting on the same floor 30 feet apart and then on Saturday and Sunday has taken its toll. It wasn't a normal relationship and it was oversaturation. I tried to overcompensate to make things right and find a connection by riding home with him after work about 3 times a week, so tack on an additional in your face 40 minutes. Our time together was being taken for granted.

The silver lining is that he starts a new job on Monday. We've decided to give it a fresh start. I wish he would have left 1 month into our dating when things were light and fun and exciting but right now it just needs time to heal. I really want it to work but I need to be met halfway and not feel like I'm forcing it. So I'm letting him take the lead and see where this goes...again.

Square One

So we ARE going out tomorrow night. I think most of my thinking is my own insecurities about myself and me trying to figure out why he pulled back so much after being so full on the last two weeks.

I'm going to be funny, charming, sweet and nice and not bring up any of the bad feelings that I had this week. You guys are right, if he is pulling away because of my flaws then I don't want to be with him anyway.

Time will tell and I will be mirroring his actions, etc. If he holds my hand, I'll hold his. If he kisses me, I'll kiss him back. He will be making all of the moves. It's like we're back to square one.

How not to lose a guy in 13 days

-don't suggest you he go back to your house but can't spend the night...this will only make him offer for you to go back to his out of pity.

-don't make out and let him see you naked. He obviously didn't like the flaws that he saw. Especially your much needed wax on your bikini line.

-don't have nasal surgery and snore loudly in his ear because you're allergic to his goose duvet.

-don't have genetically hairy legs that once you step out of the shower from shaving you have 5 o'clock shadow...imagine what they are like wrapped around him 24 hours later...porcupinish and not pretty.

-don't walk around in just your thong as he will see what little cellulite you do have and be repulsed.

-don't wake up with day old makeup and beard burn. You are not cute.

-don't tell him that the dynamic is off and make him tell you that he wants to see you again....he doesn't which is loud and clear from his cold emails and even colder encounters during the week.

-don't try to charm him on the train ride home...this only makes it worse and emphasizes why he doesn't want to be with you.

-don't put in an email plans for Saturday that you discussed on Tuesday about where to go for dinner before seeing the jazz band. He won't return the email with whether or not you're still on or not and leave you in the grey zone.

-don't talk to someone that sits 20 feet away from you at work so that when you go to the toilet you can see he's surfing the Internet and not answering your email.

-don't talk to someone that this time last week made you feel like you were "beautiful and funny and smart and fantastic" and now this week you feel about thissmall.

It was going so well and now...just speechless.

Cruise Control

Things are fine with Graham. He (finally) emailed me this afternoon to see how the rest of my weekend was and told me he was having a bad day. That makes two of us because I was silently torturing myself with ludicrous thoughts of how it was over.

We took the train into town together before parting ways and I asked if everything was okay to which he said it was. I told him I was just making sure since we work so close together and didn't want anything to be awkward. I asked if we were still on for Saturday - he was supposed to come over and watch a movie since my flatmate is going to the REM concert and I'd have the place to myself. I told him we should take two steps back and go to watch some live music (since he plays the guitar) instead and that he could come over at a later date. No need to rush anything. And I promise to not have that sort of conversation with him again. I'm going to be charming and funny and going with the flow on Saturday. No need to get so heavy. And if he wants to see me again then fine...but I'm not forcing or controling anything.

Houston, we have lift off...

It works but I don't think we're going to work. After 24 hours together with a basically one sided conversation, I've had enough.

I met his friends at the park and it just seemed that I was in the way of catching up. What should have been an afternoon of boozing in the park turned into a sober one with hours slowly ticking by. Nate decided to detox from alcohol for a week and not wanting to seem like an alcoholic, I refrained as well. It was just awkward. I'm a talker. I'm outgoing. I like finding out new and interesting things about people but not when the person I'm trying to find out about said things only gives me yes or no answers with NO elaboration, my stubbornness shines through and I'm just done trying. I'm especially done when there's no flirtation to help me to know things are okay.

Granted the whole day wasn't like that. Some good conversations happened. But it's as if Nate is like Fun Bobby from Friends. Take away the alcohol and I've got nothing. When we went back to my flat after the park he was all flirty. Cuddling and kissing me. Then I got ready for us to go and meet my work friends at a pub for the house warming party.

When we got there, this Polish girl was there who works at my company and I've met her NUMEROUS times. I have even eaten lunch with her before. She introduced herself as if she was seeing me for the first time. I, at that point, had had a glass of wine (while Nate drank his flipping water) and was in a confrontational mood. Not even a month ago, she met up with a group of people from work after the Oxford vs. Cambridge boat race and we all went out. I even said she knew our mutual friend and she had no clue who he was either. Nate was squirming the whole time while I "politely" told her we had met SEVERAL times. But come on just pretend that you've met me...BECAUSE YOU HAVE. Anyway, she then blatantly hit on Nate in front of my face. I later totally called him out on it and he played dumb. Crazy card comes out again. But the correct answer would have been "Whatever TC, she's a dumb ass and ugly". But again I got none of that.

We went and grabbed dinner at a restaurant by my house and then rented a movie off of itunes and tried to watch it. Since it's hot here and I have no A/C the windows were open and it made it very hard to hear anything. Then Nate wasn't feeling well so I said he could lay down in my bed since it was cooler in my room. So we lied down and then we started kissing. And that's when it FINALLY happened (and again in the morning - not sex). But instead of being his caressing, sweet cuddling self, he barely held me. Maybe it was because it was hot but still. I brought up the whole hard to read thing and how I couldn't understand his texts and how frustrating it was. And he said I could call him or email him, too. I then told him how I've put myself out there like that before and have been burned in the past so he would have to initiate. Especially since my UK cell phone will not be on or work to receive text messages while I'm in the States. I'm sorry but I'm a planner. But now I don't even think it's worth the one sided effort.

It's entirely whateves. I've deleted his number from my phone because a.) I don't need the temptation of making contact first after sharing how I felt - to which he squirmed and couldn't get out of my flat fast enough. b.) I'm the one leaving, he should be the one telling me to have a safe trip, good surgery and that he will be in touch via email, etc. while I'm gone. And maybe that he'll miss me a little. I NEED COMMUNICATION. It shouldn't be this hard.

Folks, I don't think we have a winner.

Anything goes

I met up with Harris on Saturday for some aquarium adventures and we had a good time looking at fish. We decided afterwards to grab a drink at a boat pub on the Thames since it was so nice out.

Mistake #1: Drinking on only a 6-inch Subway veggie pattie after going to the gym.

The conversation flowed like I knew it would and after my pint of Bulmers (delicious, highly potent cider), we headed to Chinatown for some much needed food.

Mistake #2: Trying to eat to soak up said alcohol while consuming half a bottle of wine does not help your situation and it makes the drunkenness much worse.

We chatted about who we are talking to/dating. I told him about Nate and his "problem" and he told me about how he's talking to his ex-girlfriend (she's back in Philly) but they are different religions so it's a problem for him. He said Nate's problem had nothing to do with me which was nice to hear.

Mistake #3: Deciding to go to yet another pub for more alcohol.

We talked about our hook up on my birthday. And the sexual tension continued. Innuendos flying left and right. Flirtiness. Highly inappropriate.

Mistake #4: Dancing.

We both love to dance and are actually move great together. This created a problem since the dancing was very suggestive. Hands were all over the place and we decided before things got more naughty to go back to my place. I should tell you that the tube stops running at 12.30 and since we had started drinking at 5pm, it was only 10.30pm when we went back to my place. Pathetic!

So clothes came off and things happened...not of the sexual nature (oral or otherwise) but you know...things. We both passed out and then like last time he was up at the butt crack of dawn putting his clothes on and getting the heck out of dodge. We had plans to go to the British Museum Sunday afternoon and decided we still should go.

So I took a nap and met him at 3pm at the Museum. Some slight awkwardness but we both knew that it wasn't going to work and that we should be friends. So we had a great day at the Museum and then shared a bottle of wine and sushi plus other drinks before parting ways. Things are fine and I might even see him this weekend for Karaoke but I'm past the random hook ups. I missed being held and having someone look into my eyes. I missed Nate.

*I should note that I hadn't spoken (read: texted) with Nate since Thursday so I sent him a friendly WTF? text from the last bar on Saturday night. Needless to say he was very confused and things went back and forth with him saying he was catching up with old friends and that it wouldn't be polite for him to be on the phone all the time and that he would talk to me the next day. I texted back Fine and then took Harris back to my place.

I feel bad about it but whatever we aren't exclusive so it's not like I cheated. Anyway, Nate texted me Sunday morning to see how my head was feeling after my day/night of drinking. I texted him back and told him I was sorry the alcohol got way ahead of me and that I totally understood about not texting while catching up with friends. I told him to enjoy the rest his trip and that I'd talk to him when he got back to London. We'll see if that happens. When I told Mandy the story, she said that I let the crazy out too soon but we both agreed I redeemed myself with the nonchalant text back.

Things are just messed up right now because I go home in a week for 2 1/2 weeks and I don't know how things are going to progress when he only likes texting and my UK cell phone will be out of commission.

I know I'm overanalyzing and freaking out but I can't help it, it's part of my nature!

I'm going to meet friends at the river again to enjoy Cinco de Mayo aka 1st Bank Holiday in May...because you know I need ANOTHER drink. Must start detox and diet tomorrow!

Frustrated

And now boys and girls we've reached the point in dating when frustration takes over.

Nate and I saw each other last night and watched the Liverpool vs. Chelsea match. Nate was hungry after and decided he wanted Subway which happened to be in my neighborhood. I suggested to Nate that he could eat it at my flat. Nate responded "Okay but I'm not going to be able to spend the night". This is the part where the record scratched and I stopped walking and said "I never said anything about that but we can go back to Subway and you can eat your sandwich if you want". Nate backpedaled and said he shouldn't have assumed that. Um yeah. Especially since there is still performance anxiety (yeah, I know but I'm giving it three strikes you're out). It's called...drumroll, please. Hanging. Out.

So Nate came over and ate his flipping sandwich and we chatted and then started kissing. And kissing. and kissing. Look Ma, no hands. Then Nate said he had to go otherwise he was never going to leave. So we hugged goodbye and he left. I watched him walk down the street from my window because it was slightly awkward when he left and I wanted to see if he was texting someone since he seemed slightly nervous and distracted. But nope. And I really don't think there is anyone else he's talking to...He did stop, turn and look up at my flat though...not sure if he saw my silhouette through the blinds or not.

Anyway, this weekend we have Monday off, so he's going to New Castle on Saturday morning until Monday afternoon. He knows that my weekend schedule has nothing planned for Friday (slightly done on purpose for hanging out with him but whateves) and neither does his. But did he ask me to do anything. No. I might have been a little passive aggressive on the effing text messaging tonight. "I guess have a good trip then..." to which he totally changed the subject. So I was sweet back and we ended it like we normally do with good nights and sleep wells.

I guess the weekend will tell how Nate feels about me and if he thinks about me on his trip.

In the meantime, I'm hanging out with Harris this weekend. Bonafide antics to follow. And trouble.

Isn't that....different?

Nate and I met early for dinner (sushi) and drinks before seeing 21 on Friday. The conversation flowed more freely this time. I learned that his middle brother died 6 years ago from drowning and his dad died 13 years ago...not sure what from because I didn't want to pry. But it was all very endearing and I felt for him.

Since it was still early after the movie, we decided to grab drinks. We chatted for a very long time until the pub closed and we were kicked out. We got on the street and started kissing so I decided he should come over but no funny stuff.

So funny stuff did happen (no form of sex what so ever) but how do I put this...there was definite performance anxiety on his part. He seemed all into it and then when I would wonder down to the family jewels (with a turtleneck)...there was nothing. Like I could feel it but then once I started to do my magic...S.O.F.T. Um this has never happened to me before. He said he was nervous and that the drinks were contributing. Okay I've heard this about finishing but not even getting there. What? He also said I wasn't "familiar" to him yet. (?) I was cool about it and said it was no big deal and that time would help things...of course I tried to work the magic 2 more times and nothing.

Needless to say, we laid around in my bed (naked) until 3pm Saturday just kissing, caressing, talking and laying on each other. That part was really good and he made me feel really great. We texted yesterday (hate that!) but hopefully I'll see him this weekend.

But seriously, if anyone has been in this situation before please let me know tips, advice, etc.!!!!

Solidification

So I'm tanked from my date with Nate. I thought it would be fairly sober but it wasnt't... and it was fun but i can't help but thinking what i did on Saturday night that you guys would sooooooo not approve of. So after mugging down on the balcony of Kiwi's place, I said my goodbyes and came home but looked up a certain number that i hadn't called in a very long time and happened to speak to for an hour. Alot of things triggered me to call him and the conversation went something like this:
"I look for you every where"
"You're a liar, you're not going back to Oz anytime soon...wtf?"
"Is it really you? I'm disgusting (from Monica from Friends when they find a nude photo of her and she says 'I'm Monica, I'm disgusting' yeah, I kept saying I'm disgusting which he totally didn't get. I was disgusting because I totally made out with someone 20 minutes before hand and then called him..."I'm disgusting.... "
"I want to see you again....Do you want to see me?"
To which he responded, "Yeah, I want to see the new Gucci bag" (at his old company he could have gotten me a discount)....I told him since he works for [Posh Department Store] he would have to get me a discount on the matching wallet. WTF?
"Don't blow smoke up my ass and tell me you're going to call...if you're not going to call just say it" to which he said "i'm going to call you this week....promise".

I am disgusting. I've been drinking with Nate since 2pm (it's 9pm now) and I'm wasted.

I've been on egg shells since my phone call with Kanger and giddy and breaking into hysterics becuase it was so ridiculous then Wednesday came around and his promise of calling me during the week was not around so I went into depression...but I also had Nate texting me and was otherwise distracted..I can't make someone hang out with me. Even if technically I'm secretly in love with him and don't know what to do.... it's somewhat insane...but that's just me.... i just made out with Nate at the bar and we went our seperate ways.... but i miss kanger ahhhhhhhhhhh.....

so i just called kanger from getting his number from my yahoo folder and some chick answered...(he's not dating anyone because in the hour that he filled me in on everything at 3am last saturday, he made the mistake of telling me this information)...so i hung up and texted..."are you 12? having you're friends answer...i've been drinking since 2pm on a date....and you can't give me 2 point 2? am i that awful?" and nothing folks. *UPDATE (He texted back at 1.30am _ "not sure what you mean by your text. hope you had fun on your date." WTF? it woke me up and i tried to call to redeem myself not crazy...ironic, eh? but no answer of course... do I write back to that? Mandy says no but if I absolutely must to write "I won't bother you again") thus he is 12 with a 5 year old daughter and i don't know why i do this to myself but i did. i've now erased his number in my hidden yahoo.com account folder and but am now back to the psycho that i was last august. i'm feeling sooooo good about myself. the only thing that is saving me is memories of this evening with Nate being hoisted on a post and wrapping my legs around him to kiss him (nothing else happened), only to be totally caught by the people that live in the flat we were making out in front of. i'm glad he went to his mate's party...but i so didn't need to come home and do this. ...what the eff is wrong with me???

Worked Up

I'm at home now so as to NOT have my nervous breakdown at work. A lot of things are happening all at once and they're time sensitive so as to increase the pressure in my life. I know it will pass but I can't help crying uncontrollably and being a passive aggressive biotch to everyone that crosses my path.

In an effort to take me back to my youth, when times were so much easier and other people made my decisions, I just ate my weight in mini-strawberry cupcakes. I'm also watching this on repeat. It helps.

I hate being a grown-up!

Erasure

You know what's the devil?....FACEBOOK. It tells you all sorts of jems, like a certain someone is still in London after telling me he was moving back to Australia in December and a certain outing at a club that happens to be 2 stops away from me in a month that he will be attending -don't worry I will not be making a drop by- that's a little psy-cho even for me. And I know I need to mentally ship him off and physically STOP checking. It's not healthy I know this and I vow to stop but wanted to give you insight into the crazy.

I did however make a HUGE step and erase all emails to and from him that were in one of my inbox folders. The emails are almost a year old and need to be trashed. High time to do some spring cleaning...on my heart. (say cheese)

I'm looking for a relationship that sounds like a Joshua Radin song (again) . Is that so hard to ask?

*Still on hiatus...just shifting through the shit. (I feel if I put this patheticness out to the internet/universe I will feel ashamed and stop - my very own nicorette patch).

Three-in-One

I'm finally feeling back to normal from my debauchery on Saturday night. Getting old blows! And speaking of getting old (I turn 30 in, oh, 9 flipping months), is the universe completely mocking me that three (yes three!) of my friends have gotten engaged in the last week? Insanity!

While I'm nothing but utterly happy for them, I can't help but wonder how everyone else's lives are passing me by and I'm on the remedial course.

*P.S. One of the disadvantages for living abroad - I don't get the screaming, happy "I'm engaged, this is how he did it..." phone call because it happens while I'm sound asleep or they can't call international. Sadness. :(

Ventilation

-I got a drunken text from Skully on Friday night "Hey. Little question. Are you still talking to me?". I had to text him back (ie. since we work together) so the next afternoon I texted a rhetorical "Why wouldn't I still be talking to you?". And scene. The curious part of me is all WTF was that about? The other part of me is whateves.

-The Blake thing is REALLY bothering me.

-In addition to that, it seems like at least 4 of my friends haven't emailed me back to a question I asked. WTF? I'm starting to get a complex.

-I'm having second thoughts about my job here. I love London but miss the more creative jobs I've had in the past. There might be an opportunity at my company to interview for something like that but I can feel myself being snippy because I hate my current job description. But it's a double edge sword because if I want to stay in London, I have to do this type of work. Otherwise, I will be shipped back to Houston.

-Which is stressing me out because I can't imagine myself living/working back in Houston right now or for a while. Nor can I see myself back in the states right now or for a while...dare I say ever? The point was reiterated on Sunday when I watched the Superbowl with a bunch of Americans. I had fun but they (the boys) were all just lacking something. An accent? A different cultural background than me? Culture, period? I know, I'm unpatriotic.

-I dropped my already breaking phone today and it DIED. Therefore tonight, instead of going home and relaxing with a bubble bath, I have to go and pay gold for a new one.

-I'm just one giant stress ball and want to just cry for no reason. It's one of those days where you feel the whole world is against you.

-I have an hour and a half massage scheduled for Saturday...but it just couldn't get here fast enough.

2008 - off to a bumpy start

I hope you all had a great holiday!

I'm back in the UK and and so glad to be back in my second home. I had a great time while at home for 2 weeks and an even awesomer time in San Francisco with Mandy. We were up to no good and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

I've been quiet lately because I'm afraid of the responses I would get about not following your advice of going on hiatus. And while I honestly tried, I couldn't help what happened next. Call me a fool or just a helpless romantic that is optimistic when it comes to love. I now call myself delusional.

It goes back to my birthday at the end of November. A few weeks before that, I had invited Skully to attend because I liked him. Long story short, my birthday celebration came and I avoided him trying to meet up with my friends and I like the plague. I wanted to enjoy my day without feeling like I had to babysit someone. And I really did have a blast with my friends. The next day however, I felt terrible that he waited for like an hour and a half for my friends and I to show up at the original meeting spot (I changed the venue at the last minute since it was raining). Since we work together, I didn't want there to be any hard feelings so I texted to tell him I was sorry that the wires got crossed. Somehow I got roped into meeting him for drinks with him and his brother's fiance that night. That's when my feelings changed. He was a real person with cute growing up stories. He seemed different to me. So he told me things were different now. (Before remember there was the whole love triangle scenario with his ex that I wanted no part of). I voiced my concern about it again and he reassured me that he broke up with her because he could never love her...plus she was a depressed, alcoholic and had jealousy issues.

So we hung out and he called when he said he would and we went to our company party and had a blast. He spent the entire weekend with me that weekend, never going home. Then after that he spent 95% of his nights at my place before I left for the states on the 21st and he left for a month long Moroccan surfing and France skiing adventure.

He called about 3 times the first week I was gone and right before New Year's when I was at the airport to go to San Fran. We had a good conversation and he said he would call in a couple of days.

A couple of days and a week and a half went by. Intuition is a powerful thing really. I can feel when something isn't right yet I try to tell myself that I'm just being negative. I should have listened from the beginning of my gut concern of him getting back together with the ex.

He called at noon today to tell me he couldn't see me anymore. And that he was in London and had been for a couple of days. He took so long to call because he had to pluck the courage to tell me that he had flown back to see N and that they weren't back together but they weren't not together and that it wasn't fair for me if he continued to see me. He did this while I was at flipping work. I'm now at home. Nothing productive would come out of me being there today really. I'm reflecting on my life choices more than him really.

But still gobsmacked.

But like the others, I'll survive....again. Please don't judge to harshly.

On a side note: I called Kanger (no answer) and had diarrhea of Facebook messages (no reply thank God!) on New Year's Eve night. Even had a cry fest with Mandy at 3am in the morning that I wanted Kanger sans baby and baggage. So I know I'm not 100% into Skully....but it doesn't prevent the sting and smarting.

Eejit

British for Idiot. Idiot who makes out with yet another coworker. Eejit.

Earlier in the week, Skully and I ran into each other in my building again. We chit chatted and he told me about his weekend and how he went to see the movie Stardust, not his decision. That triggered that he was still with his girlfriend so I thought what the hell, he and I can be friends and asked if he was going to the company happy hour for young professionals on Thursday. He didn't know anything about it so I forwarded him the info.

On Thursday I received an email from him very early in the morning asking when I was leaving work to go to the happy hour, how I was getting there, etc. I told him my plans and that if he wanted he could take the shuttle bus to my new building and ride the tube with us (my other friends that were going). I also told him that I was heading to his building to do some work and that I would probably see him there.

My old office that I was working in is secure so no one can get in unless they have access, so as I was walking back to the front I could see Skully peering into my office. He didn't see me but it sent a giddy tingle down my spine that he was looking for me. I went to the pub shortly after with my friends (read: Cog's friends) and came back to an email from Skully asking if I was going for a beer at lunch. I decided I would just go by his desk and apologize for getting the email after I had already left.

There is something about him that makes me nervous. And even though I told myself I wouldn't turn red, I did, especially when he asked for my number "in case he got lost from his building to mine". Right.

In the meantime my friends that were supposed to go with me totally bailed and I was left to go with Skully by myself to meet up with Kiwi and his friends and this other guy I knew at happy hour.

When Skully and I arrived, we were the ONLY people there, so we grabbed a drink and settled in by the fire. We were chatting about family stuff he's the youngest of three boys and then more important things like he's not with his girlfriend but they still hang out since they are both new to London. Just as I was about to fish for more info, Kiwi walked in and we continued to have several rounds. It wasn't a good turn out but we all had fun.

After even more drinks, Skully and I were able to talk a little more about our past relationships in which I told him I only seem to date Australians. He was intrigued by this.

We all got kicked out at around 11pm (for some reason) and headed home. This other guy was tagging along and kept leaning into me to try to flirt but I was like um negative and tried my hardest to avoid his advances. Politely.

Luckily he had to catch another tube than Skully and I and left us standing in the streets. Skully suggested we grab another drink (that was sooooo not needed at this point with who knows how many under my belt). I agreed and in we went where we got even cosier.

I really wish I could remember our conversation fully but I remember bits and pieces: he could tell I was interested and he was interested too, he doesn't sleep with his ex and can count on both hands how many times they've done it since June (what?) they are just good friends.

Then he kissed me. And it was good. And complicated and I told him so. I told him I didn't want to be the other woman. That I'm always the other woman, etc. and that we work together. He said that was a technicality since we don't directly work together and now that I work in the other building it's not the same. Whatever. He asked your place or mine?

I said mine but no funny business. Only kissing. We walked to the tube and somehow I learned that he lost his virginity at 12 (!!!!!!) and that he's lived with 3 other girlfriends before. Oh and that he knew his current ex 3 months before they decided to go on the 4 month tour of the Americas and the Caribbean. WTF?

So we got to my flat and started kissing and somehow his hands were wondering and I decided (the drinks decided) that it would be fine if no major things happen (read: sex or any other form of it). So we did stuff and it was nice but then confusing. He told me he had never dated an American before and my comment was sarcastically, so we're dating now? He, of course, fell asleep and I lay awake wondering what all this meant and if I was going to get the reputation of the office slut. Awesome!

My alarm went off at 6:30am and he got up to get dressed because he had to go home first to change for work. So he kissed me deeply while I was lying in bed and then again after I wrapped myself in a blanket to let him out.

I went to work severely hungover and didn't get an email/text/call from him. Awesome. Still haven't and it's Sunday morning.

I've been sick all weekend and I just want someone to care enough about me to bring me soup and watch movies with me and not try anything while I get better. I can't do the whole only sex thing again. It wrecks me.

So if he asks me out on a proper date, I'll go. But there will be no funny stuff and most importantly NO ALCOHOL. Honestly, I don't care one way or the other because he is so fresh out of his last relationship and like I said I can't be the other woman. That would just make me an eejit yet again.

Distractions

These past few weeks have been crazy!

I've been to a couple of concerts lately The Dandy Warhols and Lovers Electric- both brilliant. Been going out a lot. Was propositioned while meeting up with friends at a bar across town by a drunk Australian (of course) "before I go home, can you give me a wank?". WTF? I replied "probably not going to happen!" over my shoulder. This past weekend a bloke was chatting me up and then proceeded to try to kiss me while my friends weren't looking and tell me all the different ways he would pleasure me-very graphically. Um...hi, we just met like 5 seconds ago and that is a HUGE turn off! Why can't I just meet someone normal?

At least I had these incidents to distract me from thinking about the rumor that was going around in the Houston office that my name was on a list to go to Singapore. Excuse me, what? Needless to say the freak out occurred and now I have my list of reasons why I don't want to go there all prepared if and when I'm approached. Mainly I have established a life HERE and call me crazy but I don't feel like living in a hotel for months again. I had a meeting with one of the big bosses again today that was reassuring that I would be still staying in London. Thank God! But I'm not going to feel 100% great about it until I sign another contract.

I've also been rather down lately about the relationship situation or lack there of. I got into a huge yelling match on the phone (sound familiar? do you see a pattern?) with the Cog after a bottle of wine on Thursday with friends and no dinner. I don't even want to BE with him....I think it's just the principle of him not wanting to date me only...you know and hello I should be the 28 year old tart he should be falling all over. I know. I'm fucked up. I might have texted him when we hung up "i don't want to keep you from all the 40 year-olds (at the pub he was at) that might get away". I think I have anger issues, too. (Back story: there was a relapse 2 weeks ago when he was in town for a dinner).

I'm going through some issues. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm just hoping for more distractions...of the good kind.

Cog has left the building (and my bed)

Cog's last day was today. We were supposed to meet up last night but it didn't happen, mainly because he was hammered and I didn't feel like traveling 40 minutes to babysit a 43 year-old child.

I've been seeing the Cog for about three months now. And by seeing we all know that means just sex. I thought I could do it but I can't. I need commitment and plans.

We said goodbye this morning at work and he said he'd call, but my gut feeling is that he won't and if he did it would only be for one thing and I can't do that anymore. I've been feeling myself drop into a bit of a depression. I cry for no reason, I can't eat and I try to control every aspect of my life, which only makes things worse.

I wrote Cog an email (shocker) to end things once and for all (amicably of course, since he'll still be in the same industry and I don't need him to spread around what we did). I was balling my eyes out when I wrote it, which is strange because the whole time we were "together", I knew things would never escalate. I could never introduce him to my parents and friends as my boyfriend. He has an eight-year-old child and did I mention that he still lives with his ex-girlfriend. Yeah, I'm sure nothing still goes on there. So fucked up, right? I think I was balling more that no relationships, even casual ones, seem to work out for me.

I'm also upset that I let it go on for so long knowing all of these details. I only ever saw him during the week and it was very sporadic. He really is a fun and adventurous guy. I did things I wouldn't have dreamed of doing. He is more of a bad boy and I think that's why I hung on for so long.

I also needed a distraction from thinking of Kanger - which I forgot to mention (that when we played tennis he told me) his baby mama is preggers with some dude's baby and getting married but hasn't even told Kanger about it. He learned about it from his four-year-old daughter. How fucked up is that and in a way how fucked up has that probably made Kanger in the head? He's on his 2 month European adventure now and, sadly, I still think about him. In case you don't know me by now, my name is Texas Cinderella and I have issues with letting go.

I'm reading books on how to trust the Universe and that certain people come into your life on purpose because they're a type of stepping stone to get you to where you're going in life. So essentially everything happens for a reason. I just wish it wasn't so painful when they left.

Now if only I could let go (of the control) and actually start trusting.

High Maintenance

I thought I could handle a purely physical kind of "relationship" to detach myself from actually feeling anything and just go with the flow. But I was wrong.

I’m not remotely interested in having a real life relationship with the COG but the fact that on Friday morning he point blank ignored me and read the paper the whole 45 minutes on the train to work, put me off. It’s called the principle of things. The principle that not an hour earlier he was “all about me” and then once things were consummated, he detached from the situation.

It would be fine that his silence was due to a hang over from the night before but this has happened on more than one occasion. It’s always some excuse or the other when I call him out on it but on Friday he had the nerve to say that I was high maintenance and asked if I was left in my crib as a baby. Wtf? Who says shit like that? No, COG I actually have standards (that I seem to have put away for all of summer) and don’t really enjoy the feeling of being used so, yes, in a way I guess I am high maintenance. And I don't think there is anything wrong with that. So I’m ending this shenanigan with the COG tomorrow. Plain and simple.

UPDATE: Cheeky bastard isn't in today. Figures. {{shakes fists}}

*On my way home from work on Friday afternoon, Kanger called but I missed it by one ring before it went to voicemail (it came up as just a number and didn't realize it was him until after the fact). He didn’t leave a message or text. I didn’t call or text him back-I erased his number from my missed calls before I went out on Friday night, again. It leaves me to wonder if his friends were using his phone again or if he was actually calling to apologize for everything that happened. And if he was thinking that I would text/call him back when I saw that I missed his call or if he's going to call ever again. It leaves me kicking myself that if I would have answered the flipping phone in time I could have found out and now I may never know. AHHHHHH.