Daggers and Tears

I'm going through a roller coaster of emotions. One minute I'm fine and have the everything happens for a reason attitude. The next I'm teary and don't understand the universe and the hurt that I'm going through. It didn't help that today, Graham's old cube mate asked how he was doing and I said that I wasn't sure. The guy literally acted like someone DIED. He was so sorry and didn't understand since we were getting on so well. Me either, I wanted to say but didn't.

What I don't understand is how someone could tell me that they were willing to give it a second try then disappear (aside from an email from his new work) then respond back to my email a week later and accept plans to meet up only to send another (harsh) email saying: I don't see this going anywhere. I don't feel the chemistry that I look for in a long term thing. I don't know what else to say. Don't you know if there is chemistry or not in the first month not THREE months? And wouldn't you think he could have spoken up to tell me this when he had plenty of opportunities to do so? It's my very own version of Carrie Bradshaw's post it note break up. What goes through a guy's head to be so impersonal after 3 months of dating that he can just toss me aside like that and just disappear into the sunset without ever looking back? I can understand an email after a month of casual dating but that...it baffles me. Of course I wrote back: You could start by not breaking up with someone over the phone or again over email at flipping work. I'm sorry you couldn't be a 34 year old man and do it the proper way. Maybe in your next endeavor you won't lead people on either. I'm also sorry that you feel this way and couldn't give it the second chance it deserved. No wonder you're still not married. Add all of the confusing things about marriage and kids (we walked by a daycare his last week and he said "our kids can go there" wtf?) Screw with my head much?

I just want to fast forward and get over it already but it's only been a week and I'm just sad at what could have been but pissed at the person he turned out to be. And equally furious that it was all over an email.

Another one bites the dust

I'm not going to lie, these past 2 weeks have been hard. Filled with anxiety and panic attacks and control issues. But it's done. And Graham and I are no longer. I'm not sure when or where it all went wrong but it just was not to be. And I think I held onto it longer than I should because of the lines he fed me on the future and being on the same page, etc. I wasn't in love with him but in love with the idea of being in love with him. Something just wasn't clicking and I thought it was because we were spending too much time together and if he was at his new job it would be different but now I see that wasn't the case. He ticked all of my boxes:
cute
smart
funny
good dresser
good family values
older
educated
cultured
tall
successful
etc.

Except one. It felt forced and not effortless. And in the end I saw his true character and selfishness.

And I know I'll find this again with someone else but it just stings a little and I'm trying to work through it. I'm also slightly freaking out because I turn 30 in 30 days and I have nothing to show for it. (I thought I'd be married with 3 kids by the time I was 30). Plus I'm in a wedding with all of my close friends in a couple of weeks and I'm still the single girl in the room waiting to catch the bouquet -with the failed relationships under her belt.

I'm already picking up the pieces (deleted him from my phone, erased emails, his songs on my ipod) and I'm trying to sort through everything so that I don't dwell too long. It will take time and I will survive...I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Houston, we have lift off...

It works but I don't think we're going to work. After 24 hours together with a basically one sided conversation, I've had enough.

I met his friends at the park and it just seemed that I was in the way of catching up. What should have been an afternoon of boozing in the park turned into a sober one with hours slowly ticking by. Nate decided to detox from alcohol for a week and not wanting to seem like an alcoholic, I refrained as well. It was just awkward. I'm a talker. I'm outgoing. I like finding out new and interesting things about people but not when the person I'm trying to find out about said things only gives me yes or no answers with NO elaboration, my stubbornness shines through and I'm just done trying. I'm especially done when there's no flirtation to help me to know things are okay.

Granted the whole day wasn't like that. Some good conversations happened. But it's as if Nate is like Fun Bobby from Friends. Take away the alcohol and I've got nothing. When we went back to my flat after the park he was all flirty. Cuddling and kissing me. Then I got ready for us to go and meet my work friends at a pub for the house warming party.

When we got there, this Polish girl was there who works at my company and I've met her NUMEROUS times. I have even eaten lunch with her before. She introduced herself as if she was seeing me for the first time. I, at that point, had had a glass of wine (while Nate drank his flipping water) and was in a confrontational mood. Not even a month ago, she met up with a group of people from work after the Oxford vs. Cambridge boat race and we all went out. I even said she knew our mutual friend and she had no clue who he was either. Nate was squirming the whole time while I "politely" told her we had met SEVERAL times. But come on just pretend that you've met me...BECAUSE YOU HAVE. Anyway, she then blatantly hit on Nate in front of my face. I later totally called him out on it and he played dumb. Crazy card comes out again. But the correct answer would have been "Whatever TC, she's a dumb ass and ugly". But again I got none of that.

We went and grabbed dinner at a restaurant by my house and then rented a movie off of itunes and tried to watch it. Since it's hot here and I have no A/C the windows were open and it made it very hard to hear anything. Then Nate wasn't feeling well so I said he could lay down in my bed since it was cooler in my room. So we lied down and then we started kissing. And that's when it FINALLY happened (and again in the morning - not sex). But instead of being his caressing, sweet cuddling self, he barely held me. Maybe it was because it was hot but still. I brought up the whole hard to read thing and how I couldn't understand his texts and how frustrating it was. And he said I could call him or email him, too. I then told him how I've put myself out there like that before and have been burned in the past so he would have to initiate. Especially since my UK cell phone will not be on or work to receive text messages while I'm in the States. I'm sorry but I'm a planner. But now I don't even think it's worth the one sided effort.

It's entirely whateves. I've deleted his number from my phone because a.) I don't need the temptation of making contact first after sharing how I felt - to which he squirmed and couldn't get out of my flat fast enough. b.) I'm the one leaving, he should be the one telling me to have a safe trip, good surgery and that he will be in touch via email, etc. while I'm gone. And maybe that he'll miss me a little. I NEED COMMUNICATION. It shouldn't be this hard.

Folks, I don't think we have a winner.

Frustrated

And now boys and girls we've reached the point in dating when frustration takes over.

Nate and I saw each other last night and watched the Liverpool vs. Chelsea match. Nate was hungry after and decided he wanted Subway which happened to be in my neighborhood. I suggested to Nate that he could eat it at my flat. Nate responded "Okay but I'm not going to be able to spend the night". This is the part where the record scratched and I stopped walking and said "I never said anything about that but we can go back to Subway and you can eat your sandwich if you want". Nate backpedaled and said he shouldn't have assumed that. Um yeah. Especially since there is still performance anxiety (yeah, I know but I'm giving it three strikes you're out). It's called...drumroll, please. Hanging. Out.

So Nate came over and ate his flipping sandwich and we chatted and then started kissing. And kissing. and kissing. Look Ma, no hands. Then Nate said he had to go otherwise he was never going to leave. So we hugged goodbye and he left. I watched him walk down the street from my window because it was slightly awkward when he left and I wanted to see if he was texting someone since he seemed slightly nervous and distracted. But nope. And I really don't think there is anyone else he's talking to...He did stop, turn and look up at my flat though...not sure if he saw my silhouette through the blinds or not.

Anyway, this weekend we have Monday off, so he's going to New Castle on Saturday morning until Monday afternoon. He knows that my weekend schedule has nothing planned for Friday (slightly done on purpose for hanging out with him but whateves) and neither does his. But did he ask me to do anything. No. I might have been a little passive aggressive on the effing text messaging tonight. "I guess have a good trip then..." to which he totally changed the subject. So I was sweet back and we ended it like we normally do with good nights and sleep wells.

I guess the weekend will tell how Nate feels about me and if he thinks about me on his trip.

In the meantime, I'm hanging out with Harris this weekend. Bonafide antics to follow. And trouble.

Ventilation

-I got a drunken text from Skully on Friday night "Hey. Little question. Are you still talking to me?". I had to text him back (ie. since we work together) so the next afternoon I texted a rhetorical "Why wouldn't I still be talking to you?". And scene. The curious part of me is all WTF was that about? The other part of me is whateves.

-The Blake thing is REALLY bothering me.

-In addition to that, it seems like at least 4 of my friends haven't emailed me back to a question I asked. WTF? I'm starting to get a complex.

-I'm having second thoughts about my job here. I love London but miss the more creative jobs I've had in the past. There might be an opportunity at my company to interview for something like that but I can feel myself being snippy because I hate my current job description. But it's a double edge sword because if I want to stay in London, I have to do this type of work. Otherwise, I will be shipped back to Houston.

-Which is stressing me out because I can't imagine myself living/working back in Houston right now or for a while. Nor can I see myself back in the states right now or for a while...dare I say ever? The point was reiterated on Sunday when I watched the Superbowl with a bunch of Americans. I had fun but they (the boys) were all just lacking something. An accent? A different cultural background than me? Culture, period? I know, I'm unpatriotic.

-I dropped my already breaking phone today and it DIED. Therefore tonight, instead of going home and relaxing with a bubble bath, I have to go and pay gold for a new one.

-I'm just one giant stress ball and want to just cry for no reason. It's one of those days where you feel the whole world is against you.

-I have an hour and a half massage scheduled for Saturday...but it just couldn't get here fast enough.

Slap in the flipping FACE

Blake is moving in a month. He got laid off from his job that he hated and is moving to Austin where he was already in the process of closing on a condo. He’s going traveling before he leaves at the end of February and then he’ll be back in May for culinary school in France during the summer.

I’m very sad that one of my close friends is leaving sooner than his expected departure date in May. I am extremely hurt, however, that I know of this information through his flatmate, Prissy, and NOT him.

I could understand that he might be embarrassed that he was laid off but Prissy told me on Saturday at Rugby (Blake was supposed to go too but flaked out at the last minute so I didn’t get to see him) that he wrote a flipping post about it on his myspace page. He was actually overjoyed to be able to leave London, which he hated as well. You would think that someone you traveled to 3 different countries with, had blasts with every time you hung out and shared deep conversations with would have the decency to contact you about something like…oh yeah I’m moving in 20 days, thought you should know since we are pretty close. And it’s not like he’s been busy. He’s been Mr. Mom as Prissy called him hanging out on the weekdays, cooking and cleaning the flat. Plenty of time to email/text/call me to tell me this news.

I was going to contact him this week to say that I was sorry that he got laid off but I know he's happy about getting back to Texas and if he wanted to grab dinner...but he left for Berlin, then Prague today for the week (info through Prissy) and I can't decide if I should contact him when he gets back. It's sad really and also makes me want to scream WTF????????????? So hurt. And to make it worse...I'm 100% positive that Prissy told him that I was upset and still silence on the airwaves.

Sidenote: The last time I talked to him was after we hung out for the Patriots vs. Chargers game with Harris. We had soo much fun and he drunkenly talked about renting a villa (with a big group of people) in the South of France after his culinary school finished in August for a week. He followed up with an email the next morning when he was severly hungover to say that he was serious and that we should start investigating now. He was to go skiing that weekend so I didn't think anything of it for not talking to him but he's been back for a week and known about the lay off for 2 weeks and it's been was silence and crickets.

Eejit

British for Idiot. Idiot who makes out with yet another coworker. Eejit.

Earlier in the week, Skully and I ran into each other in my building again. We chit chatted and he told me about his weekend and how he went to see the movie Stardust, not his decision. That triggered that he was still with his girlfriend so I thought what the hell, he and I can be friends and asked if he was going to the company happy hour for young professionals on Thursday. He didn't know anything about it so I forwarded him the info.

On Thursday I received an email from him very early in the morning asking when I was leaving work to go to the happy hour, how I was getting there, etc. I told him my plans and that if he wanted he could take the shuttle bus to my new building and ride the tube with us (my other friends that were going). I also told him that I was heading to his building to do some work and that I would probably see him there.

My old office that I was working in is secure so no one can get in unless they have access, so as I was walking back to the front I could see Skully peering into my office. He didn't see me but it sent a giddy tingle down my spine that he was looking for me. I went to the pub shortly after with my friends (read: Cog's friends) and came back to an email from Skully asking if I was going for a beer at lunch. I decided I would just go by his desk and apologize for getting the email after I had already left.

There is something about him that makes me nervous. And even though I told myself I wouldn't turn red, I did, especially when he asked for my number "in case he got lost from his building to mine". Right.

In the meantime my friends that were supposed to go with me totally bailed and I was left to go with Skully by myself to meet up with Kiwi and his friends and this other guy I knew at happy hour.

When Skully and I arrived, we were the ONLY people there, so we grabbed a drink and settled in by the fire. We were chatting about family stuff he's the youngest of three boys and then more important things like he's not with his girlfriend but they still hang out since they are both new to London. Just as I was about to fish for more info, Kiwi walked in and we continued to have several rounds. It wasn't a good turn out but we all had fun.

After even more drinks, Skully and I were able to talk a little more about our past relationships in which I told him I only seem to date Australians. He was intrigued by this.

We all got kicked out at around 11pm (for some reason) and headed home. This other guy was tagging along and kept leaning into me to try to flirt but I was like um negative and tried my hardest to avoid his advances. Politely.

Luckily he had to catch another tube than Skully and I and left us standing in the streets. Skully suggested we grab another drink (that was sooooo not needed at this point with who knows how many under my belt). I agreed and in we went where we got even cosier.

I really wish I could remember our conversation fully but I remember bits and pieces: he could tell I was interested and he was interested too, he doesn't sleep with his ex and can count on both hands how many times they've done it since June (what?) they are just good friends.

Then he kissed me. And it was good. And complicated and I told him so. I told him I didn't want to be the other woman. That I'm always the other woman, etc. and that we work together. He said that was a technicality since we don't directly work together and now that I work in the other building it's not the same. Whatever. He asked your place or mine?

I said mine but no funny business. Only kissing. We walked to the tube and somehow I learned that he lost his virginity at 12 (!!!!!!) and that he's lived with 3 other girlfriends before. Oh and that he knew his current ex 3 months before they decided to go on the 4 month tour of the Americas and the Caribbean. WTF?

So we got to my flat and started kissing and somehow his hands were wondering and I decided (the drinks decided) that it would be fine if no major things happen (read: sex or any other form of it). So we did stuff and it was nice but then confusing. He told me he had never dated an American before and my comment was sarcastically, so we're dating now? He, of course, fell asleep and I lay awake wondering what all this meant and if I was going to get the reputation of the office slut. Awesome!

My alarm went off at 6:30am and he got up to get dressed because he had to go home first to change for work. So he kissed me deeply while I was lying in bed and then again after I wrapped myself in a blanket to let him out.

I went to work severely hungover and didn't get an email/text/call from him. Awesome. Still haven't and it's Sunday morning.

I've been sick all weekend and I just want someone to care enough about me to bring me soup and watch movies with me and not try anything while I get better. I can't do the whole only sex thing again. It wrecks me.

So if he asks me out on a proper date, I'll go. But there will be no funny stuff and most importantly NO ALCOHOL. Honestly, I don't care one way or the other because he is so fresh out of his last relationship and like I said I can't be the other woman. That would just make me an eejit yet again.

Mad

at myself.

The past couple of weeks I've been doing things that just aren't...well me. It's like I'm having an out of body experience. Where I see the things I'm doing and know that they aren't good for me yet don't stop myself, let the experience continue so that I can dwell on it and create more self resentment. The old me would run for the hills in this situation. Wouldn't even dream of getting into the situation in the first place. The old me had morals and standards and expectations. But I'm obviously going through something... boredom, jadedness, bitterness- who knows?

I do know that it has to stop and that tomorrow starts a new day.

I'm done with boys, men, ASSHOLES

Things with COG, er, "progressed" on Thursday night after half a bottle of red wine and some vodka spirits. Now I know that I'm definitely not interested in dating this guy (man) nor see any sort of future with him but when someone tells you that they are going to come over on Saturday night, you tend to believe them. Until, you know, they don't. And they don't even call to tell you they aren't coming, nor do they call the next day with a lame excuse. The best is that he had my number and I didn't have his to be like 'what the fuck?' And honestly my intuition was telling me that he wasn't going to come over in the back of my mind when we parted ways on Friday morning. Something just felt off. But being the nice person I am, I like to give them the benefit of the doubt.

So Saturday, I went on a pub crawl during the day with some of my friends, left to meet COG and when he didn't show between 6-7pm his proposed time, I met my friends back out. All was not lost but it's the flipping principle of things. Have a little respect. And the fact that we are in such close proximity with each other during the week, one would think he would try not to look like a using ass. Monday should be very interesting to say the least.

So I think I'm tossing in the towel on the male gender for a while. I thought I could just have fun to pass the time until Mr. Right floated along but all I'm kissing lately are frogs. And I'm sick of frogs. Frogs suck. They tell you what you want to hear when you want to hear it. And then they don't follow through. I deserve soooo much better and repeatedly putting myself in this destructive pattern is not helping my well being.

Where is my prince already?

*UPDATE: So COG emails me a sorry about the weekend note. And I was like all you had to do was call to cancel, it's no big deal we didn't get together. Turns out he had the last digit wrong of my phone number - I made him call me standing in front of me with my phone that was clearly not ringing - and left a message on that persons voicemail. Whateves. Think I've changed my mind and am now into using men as much as they use me. The COG is very good at certain things ladies. No emotional ties especially since I know it's not going anywhere. Game on!

Rage against the Machine (ie Cell phone)

What if after 3 glasses of wine (when your limit is clearly 1 glass when no dinner is involved) with the COG (for the second night in a row) you do something crazy. Like somehow find a certain phone number even though you erased it from your phonebook and were very thorough to delete it from your text message inbox and outbox. But by sheer luck the number still sits in your received call log from the time you missed his call weeks ago*.

And what if you start texting on the tube back to your flat, like a mad person and saying everything that is possibly in your head about the situation and when you run out of room you send that text and start a new one, this time to fill him in on what you've been doing since he was too much of a rudeass to ask last time. And you tell him he was a rudeass too. You tell him where you're living now and that you are going home in July for your 10 year high school reunion and that you are even going to Ibiza, so there. And what if you get a text back saying "easy tiger" and that sends you even more over the edge and into crying hysterics that you try calling but of course the phone is not picked up on his end so you text that this is a shock that he isn't answering. Of course sarcastically.

You call your friends back home for them to talk you down off of this alcohol induced ledge only to receive a text that he's at a pub and will call you tomorrow. You be a smart ass and text back that you won't hold your breath on that one and that you really need to talk to him.

So he calls. And you say everything that is on your mind...you know reiterating what was said in already in drunken text and say that the whole situation was just fucked up. And that you were suppose to go back to the states and that it was the wine talking about being exclusive. And the day he stood you up for tennis you felt you were way too nice and basically "just bent over and took it". And somehow you talk about his trip to Australia which he leaves for on Friday and how he's going to see his daughter and la la la- normal conversation and all the while, he never hears you cry. He then tells you that you will play tennis when he gets back and you tell him not to blow smoke up your ass. Which makes him laugh. But let's face it, your psychotic episode pretty much guarantees you will not be getting a phone call when he gets back.

And it makes you sad. Because although finally talking to him after all this time is really what you needed, by showing your real self and your potty mouth that you usually kept in check with him, you know that this is officially over. For real. The opportunity lost forever. And only the handful of memories remain.

*very rarely do I get calls (unless I'm dating someone and clearly that is NOT the case right now) on my "mobile"...everything seems to be about text messages to make plans here...therefore why his missed call is still in my phone from the beginning of June.

Real Classy.

Just your typical day.

You know go to work, work a half day (normal for Fridays), go to the pub after work, make out with COG in a park on a park bench with school children playing 50 yards away. Hear things like "I want to shag* your brains out". Finish kissing then go your separate ways. Ride the tube in disbelief. Run errands. Go to the grocery store. Go for a run. Go out to dinner with friends and speak of none of this.

You know, typical day.

Which leads me to the question: What the hell am I thinking (doing)?

*Shagging did NOT occur, just for the record.

Holy Shit.

I don't even know what to do with this...Okay...I'm wasted right now after spending hours with Kanger this afternoon. We went shopping for his racket and then we went to a pub for some drinks. Needless to say I got drunk and decided to call him out on ALL things that he has done the past few weeks. I told him he was hard to read and that is when he told me he

HAS A FOUR YEAR OLD DAUGHTER in Australia.

WTF? So it's sinking in and we talked about it and I was like as long as you aren't getting back together with the mom then we will see where this goes. But WTF? HE HAS A CHILD. How do I handle this? And while we were talking about all of this I interupted him and was like "Oh no, remember when you were in my hotel room and asked me about my car situation and I told you I still had it and that I was basically paying child support for it...I feel terrible now because I laughed and you didn't and I found it strange but now I understand." Brutal. So basically we talked about everything and he was like we will go to a play on Wednesday night and I'll bring my work clothes for the next morning. We shall see. I can't cut him off just yet because he has a child, can I? And the mom (my mom)...will not be knowing about this anytime soon.

After parting from Kanger on the train and trying to process all of this...two gay guys were sitting across from me quite drunk as well. Somehow one of them crossed their legs and flip his flip flop right next to my foot...accidentally of course. We all three thought this was the funniest thing ever and continued to laugh our heads off for 5 stops while trying to be quiet for the other passengers. My stop finally came up and I told them to try to keep their shoes in check. Cool moments laughing until you cry with complete and total strangers. I think I needed a moment of hilarity in this crazy situation I just stepped into.

Your thoughts please...