Isn't it Ironic

Nate and I just had another marathon date and it was good if not ironic.

Earlier in the week, he suggested we go to a show on Saturday night and asked which one I was interested in seeing. I said Avenue Q...I was supposed to go with Kanger way back when and that of course feel through. So I figured, with the encouragement of Mandy, to make new memories with Nate.

The show was fantastic and when it let out at 11pm, we decided to hit up O'Neills in Leicester Square since it stays open late night. We were about to walk in the bar when we randomly decided we should go to the Walkabout instead. (Full of Nate's fellow Kiwi's and Australians).

Who do I run into right when we walk in? Kanger. Waiting by the women's restroom, obviously for someone. It was surreal. Like everything was in slow motion. The face you've been searching in crowds, bars, on the tube for the past nine months is standing right in front of you and it takes awhile to finally focus and realize it was indeed the face and not your imagination.

We said hi to each other and it's pretty fuzzy what else was said. How are you? Lots of awkwardness - we were both very aware that the door to the restroom could have opened at any minute to reveal Kanger's newest conquest and he, I'm sure was fearful of the drama that could potentially arise from me. A Kanger and Nate introduction (Nate looked hot with his 2 day five o'clock shadow and button down shirt...I think they had the same shirt on!) and then a "well it was good seeing you" pleasantry from me before I exited stage right with Nate in tow. I was a little too sober for that encounter (read: shaking like a leaf) and needed a stiff drink. I don't think the exchange was too obvious because Nate didn't even ask me how I knew Kanger.

I later located him and his friends while Nate and I were dancing and the mystery girl he was waiting for. So not cute. And I'm 100% sure, has NO clue about the daughter in Australia and the baby mama drama. Bless her heart. (I saw them leave together so I'm pretty sure it's not just his friend).

I don't know. I thought seeing him again was going to be different. (At least I was looking good in a low cut black top, grey mini and black high boots with pattern tights.) Like my heart would be all pinning. But no feelings. Just, huh. I think things would have been different if Nate wouldn't have been at my side. But the calls that happened 3 weeks ago couldn't be discussed and that hung in the air like a thick cloud. But I'm over it. And seeing him actually made me appreciate being with Nate more. Someone who actually wants to spend time with me and get to know me and wants to hold me and not just at arms length.

Point of no return

So I've erased everything and anything having to do with Kanger. I've had the weekend to mull it over and my actions were pushing this finally to the end. There is no way I want to be treated like that and I'm pretty sure he wants nothing to do with this psycho. But I deserve better and someone who follows through on promises.

Enough about him. I've spent WAY too much time and effort that it is now not worth one more word.

So onto Nate:

The date went really well. The beginning was a little getting to know you and the normal awkward conversations and lulls. But of course the alcohol was flowing and we talked more freely with each other. He just got back from being on safari in Africa for 2 months. How amazing? And he's obviously traveled quite a lot which I like. We both had our separate plans this weekend after we left each other in the tube station early Friday night but have been texting and I even got a late night text last night while I slept. It's nice to be thought of and he seems like a thoughtful guy. I asked if he had childrens (my new pre-req question :)) and the answer was no so that's good on the baggage front. Kiwi says he's a good bloke so I guess I'll just wait and see where it goes (if anywhere)...not putting expectations on anything...it tends to get me in trouble when I do.

Solidification

So I'm tanked from my date with Nate. I thought it would be fairly sober but it wasnt't... and it was fun but i can't help but thinking what i did on Saturday night that you guys would sooooooo not approve of. So after mugging down on the balcony of Kiwi's place, I said my goodbyes and came home but looked up a certain number that i hadn't called in a very long time and happened to speak to for an hour. Alot of things triggered me to call him and the conversation went something like this:
"I look for you every where"
"You're a liar, you're not going back to Oz anytime soon...wtf?"
"Is it really you? I'm disgusting (from Monica from Friends when they find a nude photo of her and she says 'I'm Monica, I'm disgusting' yeah, I kept saying I'm disgusting which he totally didn't get. I was disgusting because I totally made out with someone 20 minutes before hand and then called him..."I'm disgusting.... "
"I want to see you again....Do you want to see me?"
To which he responded, "Yeah, I want to see the new Gucci bag" (at his old company he could have gotten me a discount)....I told him since he works for [Posh Department Store] he would have to get me a discount on the matching wallet. WTF?
"Don't blow smoke up my ass and tell me you're going to call...if you're not going to call just say it" to which he said "i'm going to call you this week....promise".

I am disgusting. I've been drinking with Nate since 2pm (it's 9pm now) and I'm wasted.

I've been on egg shells since my phone call with Kanger and giddy and breaking into hysterics becuase it was so ridiculous then Wednesday came around and his promise of calling me during the week was not around so I went into depression...but I also had Nate texting me and was otherwise distracted..I can't make someone hang out with me. Even if technically I'm secretly in love with him and don't know what to do.... it's somewhat insane...but that's just me.... i just made out with Nate at the bar and we went our seperate ways.... but i miss kanger ahhhhhhhhhhh.....

so i just called kanger from getting his number from my yahoo folder and some chick answered...(he's not dating anyone because in the hour that he filled me in on everything at 3am last saturday, he made the mistake of telling me this information)...so i hung up and texted..."are you 12? having you're friends answer...i've been drinking since 2pm on a date....and you can't give me 2 point 2? am i that awful?" and nothing folks. *UPDATE (He texted back at 1.30am _ "not sure what you mean by your text. hope you had fun on your date." WTF? it woke me up and i tried to call to redeem myself not crazy...ironic, eh? but no answer of course... do I write back to that? Mandy says no but if I absolutely must to write "I won't bother you again") thus he is 12 with a 5 year old daughter and i don't know why i do this to myself but i did. i've now erased his number in my hidden yahoo.com account folder and but am now back to the psycho that i was last august. i'm feeling sooooo good about myself. the only thing that is saving me is memories of this evening with Nate being hoisted on a post and wrapping my legs around him to kiss him (nothing else happened), only to be totally caught by the people that live in the flat we were making out in front of. i'm glad he went to his mate's party...but i so didn't need to come home and do this. ...what the eff is wrong with me???

Times up...but not really

Well, Lent is over and I'm officially/unofficially on the market again. The 40 days and 40 nights were actually really good for me. It made me see what I want out of a relationship.

Don't hate but I met up with Skully at the beginning of Lent (only because I saw him at work and decided that we could be friends, for work sake). I was reminded yet again why I'm not supposed to be with him - because he's a high strung ass - but I might have had a weak moment of kissing (the 3 glasses of wine made me do it and the devil). I quickly snapped out of it when I remembered that 1) he has a girlfriend he dumped me for and 2) I am sick of being the flipping side dish. I deserve to be the main course! So I asked him to leave and told him we couldn't be friends. I feel sorry for his girlfriend though. Lots of stuff could have gone way further but call me crazy for not wanting to feel like shit the morning after. Enough is finally enough.

I stayed on Lent for an additional day to repent for my slip up!

Anyway, I took the time to finally grieve over Kanger - I know pathetic - but it was much needed since there were the band-aids distracting me. Now I don't look for him everywhere I go in the city and my Facebook "browsing" has been kept in check, which is a huge fete.

So I'm ready. I'm not actively pursuing anything but I'm ready. I know I will feel that way about someone again. I don't need to rush anything because, big news, I'm in the process of negotiating to stay here permanently (the work stress I was vague about a few weeks ago).

I'm just going to let life happen. I've booked up my calendar with fun friend activities and who knows who I might meet while doing them!!!

Erasure

You know what's the devil?....FACEBOOK. It tells you all sorts of jems, like a certain someone is still in London after telling me he was moving back to Australia in December and a certain outing at a club that happens to be 2 stops away from me in a month that he will be attending -don't worry I will not be making a drop by- that's a little psy-cho even for me. And I know I need to mentally ship him off and physically STOP checking. It's not healthy I know this and I vow to stop but wanted to give you insight into the crazy.

I did however make a HUGE step and erase all emails to and from him that were in one of my inbox folders. The emails are almost a year old and need to be trashed. High time to do some spring cleaning...on my heart. (say cheese)

I'm looking for a relationship that sounds like a Joshua Radin song (again) . Is that so hard to ask?

*Still on hiatus...just shifting through the shit. (I feel if I put this patheticness out to the internet/universe I will feel ashamed and stop - my very own nicorette patch).

Cog has left the building (and my bed)

Cog's last day was today. We were supposed to meet up last night but it didn't happen, mainly because he was hammered and I didn't feel like traveling 40 minutes to babysit a 43 year-old child.

I've been seeing the Cog for about three months now. And by seeing we all know that means just sex. I thought I could do it but I can't. I need commitment and plans.

We said goodbye this morning at work and he said he'd call, but my gut feeling is that he won't and if he did it would only be for one thing and I can't do that anymore. I've been feeling myself drop into a bit of a depression. I cry for no reason, I can't eat and I try to control every aspect of my life, which only makes things worse.

I wrote Cog an email (shocker) to end things once and for all (amicably of course, since he'll still be in the same industry and I don't need him to spread around what we did). I was balling my eyes out when I wrote it, which is strange because the whole time we were "together", I knew things would never escalate. I could never introduce him to my parents and friends as my boyfriend. He has an eight-year-old child and did I mention that he still lives with his ex-girlfriend. Yeah, I'm sure nothing still goes on there. So fucked up, right? I think I was balling more that no relationships, even casual ones, seem to work out for me.

I'm also upset that I let it go on for so long knowing all of these details. I only ever saw him during the week and it was very sporadic. He really is a fun and adventurous guy. I did things I wouldn't have dreamed of doing. He is more of a bad boy and I think that's why I hung on for so long.

I also needed a distraction from thinking of Kanger - which I forgot to mention (that when we played tennis he told me) his baby mama is preggers with some dude's baby and getting married but hasn't even told Kanger about it. He learned about it from his four-year-old daughter. How fucked up is that and in a way how fucked up has that probably made Kanger in the head? He's on his 2 month European adventure now and, sadly, I still think about him. In case you don't know me by now, my name is Texas Cinderella and I have issues with letting go.

I'm reading books on how to trust the Universe and that certain people come into your life on purpose because they're a type of stepping stone to get you to where you're going in life. So essentially everything happens for a reason. I just wish it wasn't so painful when they left.

Now if only I could let go (of the control) and actually start trusting.

Isn't it Ironic?

Yesterday I found a great blog, Model Behavior. I was scanning her archives and found one on an Italian playboy she palled around with when she lived in Milan. It reminded me of my own Italian...although he was never really mine, but I digress. I was leaving work and skype popped up that Gianluca was online. I didn't think anything of it and got on the tube to go to my flat. I called Mandy to wish her a happy birthday and while I was talking to her, a message from Gianluca popped up on my laptop. We chatted for a while and when he didn't answer me after I asked him how things were going with him, I went about my business of getting ready for bed. (The old me would have been furious!)

Turns out that if you have two (of the same) skype accounts on at the same time there is a glitch. Needless to say, this morning I found his responses on my work computer. So while I was thinking he didn't respond to me (as a friend mine you), in essence, I didn't respond to him. Whoops! But how random that I find a blog about a torrid affair with a womanizing Italian and it reminds me of Gianluca and he contacts me on that day! Ironic, no? Maybe I'll look him up while I'm in Tuscany for Thanksgiving. We'll see.

The universe never ceases to amaze me. It also gives me hope that after all this time, I no longer have no feelings towards Gianluca and someday (soon I hope) the same will be true with Kanger.

In which I am retarded

Today while waiting for the train, I reviewed my received call log and noticed a number that I didn't recognize. The missed call was at 7:31am on August 4th, the morning after the yelling and screaming (and crying) match with Kanger.

For the entire train ride home I kept coming up with all of these different scenarios in my head: Maybe Kanger called (from his flat phone hence the unknown number) when he got home that morning from his night out with the boys to talk about what had happened. Maybe if I called the number to see if someone with an Australian (Kanger or his flatmate) or South African accent (flatmate's live-in girlfriend) answered, I would know if it was indeed his flats number. I could be all "sorry I think I have the wrong number" when they answered. A part of me wanted to see if Kanger was somewhat of a decent guy, and actually checked on me after I was clearly upset.

I couldn't wait to find out - I'll admit it - my scenario also included Kanger answering and then when I did my wrong number schpeal he would be like "Tixas, is that you? I tried calling you on Friday but I punked out and didn't leave a message. I'm so sorry about that night....".

So I called as soon as I got in the door and

MY FLIPPING LAND LINE RANG.

Because I don't know my own number (obviously) and the morning of August 4th, still drunk from the night before, I called my mobile phone to see if it still worked because hello? Kanger hadn't called me back like he said he would. (Shocker!) It all came back to me.

I had the biggest belly laugh about this because sometimes you have to laugh to keep yourself from crying.

Verdict: I'm retarded (and pathetic) and Kanger still remains an ass.

High Maintenance

I thought I could handle a purely physical kind of "relationship" to detach myself from actually feeling anything and just go with the flow. But I was wrong.

I’m not remotely interested in having a real life relationship with the COG but the fact that on Friday morning he point blank ignored me and read the paper the whole 45 minutes on the train to work, put me off. It’s called the principle of things. The principle that not an hour earlier he was “all about me” and then once things were consummated, he detached from the situation.

It would be fine that his silence was due to a hang over from the night before but this has happened on more than one occasion. It’s always some excuse or the other when I call him out on it but on Friday he had the nerve to say that I was high maintenance and asked if I was left in my crib as a baby. Wtf? Who says shit like that? No, COG I actually have standards (that I seem to have put away for all of summer) and don’t really enjoy the feeling of being used so, yes, in a way I guess I am high maintenance. And I don't think there is anything wrong with that. So I’m ending this shenanigan with the COG tomorrow. Plain and simple.

UPDATE: Cheeky bastard isn't in today. Figures. {{shakes fists}}

*On my way home from work on Friday afternoon, Kanger called but I missed it by one ring before it went to voicemail (it came up as just a number and didn't realize it was him until after the fact). He didn’t leave a message or text. I didn’t call or text him back-I erased his number from my missed calls before I went out on Friday night, again. It leaves me to wonder if his friends were using his phone again or if he was actually calling to apologize for everything that happened. And if he was thinking that I would text/call him back when I saw that I missed his call or if he's going to call ever again. It leaves me kicking myself that if I would have answered the flipping phone in time I could have found out and now I may never know. AHHHHHH.

Recappage

To follow in Golightly's footsteps, I'll break down what has been going on in my world over the last couple of weeks by category:

Africa

Was interesting. I did learn a lot while there and I'd always wanted to go but it was more like camping than the safari I had dreamt of and that little thing called work. Being with your boss for 14 hours 4 days straight got a little draining but I think that would happen with anyone in 130F heat.

Spain

Blake and I had a b.l.a.s.t! We soaked up the sun during the day and partied hard at night. I'd always wanted to go to Nikki Beach (sadly because of Tara Reid's Wild On.. show). It was full of beautiful people. Blake was in heaven. I had to constantly wipe the drool off his mouth. The second night we found this great place called Puerto Banus with a string of bars that spilled out into the streets. Let's just say free shots all night long contributed to me being holed up in the bathroom our last day. Luckily I rallied and was able to enjoy the sun. We have our Greece trip all lined up with his roommate and another one of her friends for the end of the month. Should be good times!

Kanger

We played tennis. He won, only because I was afraid to fall on my ass (again in front of him) on the AstroTurf and sand. We grabbed drinks after and talked about everything and at his suggestion he said I could have a rematch when I got back from Texas 2 weeks later. Stupidly I was drinking red wine and told him that he should get off at my stop after making out with him all the way to the tube station. He said he didn't have his clothes for work the next day and to his credit he does live 40 minutes away and 40 minutes to work. So he said that after our rematch he would bring his clothes and stay over. Fast forward to this week (2 weeks later) and we texted back and forth with him not suggesting what he suggested before I left. Are we seeing a pattern? So in my stupidness I said we should hang out before he leaves for his trip (in 3 weeks he's traveling for 2 months and may or may not work in London before moving back to Australia in December). That text was on Tuesday and silence and crickets. So me not wanting to look like I lover him again, I called him out once and for all in the form of this text on Thursday night:

"Deja fucking vu. Why say shit that you had no intention of even happening? You can treat that as a rhetorical questions since you're selective in your replies. I get that you're traveling and moving back but it doesn't make it any less dick or fucked up - two things I didn't think you were."

And you can guess what kind of response I got from that. His signature move.

*Update: I received a text from Kanger on Friday night. I had been at the pub with friends and was on my way home at midnight since I was still jet lagged. I could tell he was wasted and he said he wanted to meet up. Long story short his mates were in town and had gotten a hold of his phone. I should have caught on when he texted he wanted to see me....naked. But me being the fool said I wanted to meet up too. A lot of phone tossing with me actually talking to his mates before finally speaking (read: yelling) at Kanger after he told me he hadn't texted me any of it and after he hung up once I started crying. I told him again that he was fucked up and played mind games. Then I hung up on him after asking if him and his friends were 12 years old. A whole bottle of wine will make you do/say crazy things. Mandy helped console me all the way in San Francisco and talked me down (much appresh). I am officially turned off and will never speak to him again. Asshole.

Home

Home was hectic but fun. I got a baseball game in, went to the doctor and dentist (where I got way too out of control with the nitrious oxide), had a girly spa day with my friends, threw a baby shower for CW and spent time with my friends and family. I went home mainly for my 10 year high school reunion, which I highly recommend! I went with all of my friends that I've known and have remained in touch with for years-many from the 1st grade. We pre-partied before hand and got there fashionably late but with enough time to talk to people we hadn't seen in 10 years. We partied it down with the DJ that played 90s hits-so much fun jamming to Paperboy's "Ditty". (I can't find it on itunes to download it-sadness!)

The COG

What can I say? He's still in the mix. Right now I'm in the mind frame of just having fun. Lord knows I've been looking in all the wrong places and finding frogs. He's different and a good distraction right now. And I know nothing between us will ever progress and become serious, so why not? I can see him on the weekdays and be on the prowl for new merchandise on the weekends. A perfect combination. A little complicated with the whole working together thing...but as you know I love good drama. :)

Work

Work is good. After going home, I realized that I really don't have any desire to come home in November when my contract is up. Which brings up the part where while I was home I didn't go into the office to talk to my boss about this to make sure he worked from his end to get me on another project here. To make matters worse, my dad's best friend, the Vice President of my department sent me a sarcastic email saying that he was sorry I didn't have the time to say hello while I was home and that he was sure my boss appreciated it, too. My dad's best friend lives in my parents neighborhood and I could have easily stopped by but didn't plan accordingly. So now I have to basically kiss people's asses in Houston and in London to get on another project. My time in London can't be over in November...I'm not ready!

My Apologies

Sorry there's been silence on the airwaves. I did go to Spain and had a blast. The tennis match with Kanger did happen. And then I had to hop on a plane to Texas for my 10 year high school reunion as well as throw a baby shower for one of my best friend's. Should be interesting! I promise to post the recaps of Africa, Spain and of course the infamous game in addition to my whirlwind trip to Texas.

I'll be back soon and I hope all is well.

She's Alive! (updated)

I made it (barely). I have so many stories from my adventure to Africa but will have to elaborate later. I leave with Blake this afternoon for Espana but I promise to post about both trips, which if this picture (below) is any indication, will be polar opposites of each other. This is the hole I reluctantly had to pee in.... (Effing sick!)
I do however need your advice!!!

Kanger texted me when he landed on Sunday night from his 2 week holiday in Australia. After a 24 hour flight and after leaving him with the wonderful drunken rant in his head before he left-I'm not reading too much into this or anything -yeah right. I really didn't think he would contact me again or if he did, like after he was readjusted to London life. The text ended by asking if I had been practicing my tennis. (For our yet to be played match). Anyway, I didn't get the text until yesterday afternoon because I didn't take my cell phone with me to BFA. I texted him back that I was glad he had a good trip and asked about his sister's wedding and that I hadn't been practicing but had picked up some pointers from Wimbledon to use on him. I went to sleep at 10pm last night without a text back-I was exhausted having not been able to sleep properly for fear of a scorpion or snake crawling into my bed. At 11:30pm, my flat phone rang (my cell was on vibrate) when Blake called to talk about some last minute Spain details. I was so out of it that I don't even remember the conversation just that it scared the shit out of me!

I did, however, in my sleepy stupor get up to look at my cell phone and saw that I had 2 missed calls, so I scrolled down and it said one was from Blake and the other from Kanger. When I went to look at the details of when Kanger had called, I accidentally deleted the call record. So now I don't know if I was so asleep that I imagined that I had a missed call from him or if he really did meraculously call. He didn't leave a message. So now I don't know what to do. I'm not one to return a call if there isn't a message unless it's one of my good friends, especially now that I don't really have proof it happened. Mandy suggests I wait it out this weekend to see if he contacts me again while I'm gone and if he doesn't to just send a friendly "Hey what's up?" text on Monday. Thoughts?

UPDATE: I got home on Sunday to find a text from Kanger, so my initial plan of should I or shouldn't I send a text was kyboshed. I texted him back to be nice. He kept asking about this tennis match of ours and I didn't push when, how, what and he was doing all the work. He's even apologizing if he doesn't get back to me right away. So we are playing on Thursday- I think. No justt kidding we will. And I know you guys will probably be disappointed that I'm even meeting him but it's just something I need and want to do. I'm going out with the COG tomorrow night so it's not like I'm pinning away for Kanger. Although the COG is another situation in and of itself. I just want to have fun!

Rage against the Machine (ie Cell phone)

What if after 3 glasses of wine (when your limit is clearly 1 glass when no dinner is involved) with the COG (for the second night in a row) you do something crazy. Like somehow find a certain phone number even though you erased it from your phonebook and were very thorough to delete it from your text message inbox and outbox. But by sheer luck the number still sits in your received call log from the time you missed his call weeks ago*.

And what if you start texting on the tube back to your flat, like a mad person and saying everything that is possibly in your head about the situation and when you run out of room you send that text and start a new one, this time to fill him in on what you've been doing since he was too much of a rudeass to ask last time. And you tell him he was a rudeass too. You tell him where you're living now and that you are going home in July for your 10 year high school reunion and that you are even going to Ibiza, so there. And what if you get a text back saying "easy tiger" and that sends you even more over the edge and into crying hysterics that you try calling but of course the phone is not picked up on his end so you text that this is a shock that he isn't answering. Of course sarcastically.

You call your friends back home for them to talk you down off of this alcohol induced ledge only to receive a text that he's at a pub and will call you tomorrow. You be a smart ass and text back that you won't hold your breath on that one and that you really need to talk to him.

So he calls. And you say everything that is on your mind...you know reiterating what was said in already in drunken text and say that the whole situation was just fucked up. And that you were suppose to go back to the states and that it was the wine talking about being exclusive. And the day he stood you up for tennis you felt you were way too nice and basically "just bent over and took it". And somehow you talk about his trip to Australia which he leaves for on Friday and how he's going to see his daughter and la la la- normal conversation and all the while, he never hears you cry. He then tells you that you will play tennis when he gets back and you tell him not to blow smoke up your ass. Which makes him laugh. But let's face it, your psychotic episode pretty much guarantees you will not be getting a phone call when he gets back.

And it makes you sad. Because although finally talking to him after all this time is really what you needed, by showing your real self and your potty mouth that you usually kept in check with him, you know that this is officially over. For real. The opportunity lost forever. And only the handful of memories remain.

*very rarely do I get calls (unless I'm dating someone and clearly that is NOT the case right now) on my "mobile"...everything seems to be about text messages to make plans here...therefore why his missed call is still in my phone from the beginning of June.

Letting Go

I wish I could tell you how tennis and catching up with Kanger was today. But I can't. Yes Kanger talked about playing all week, even called me about it (which I'm kicking myself for missing) but when the actual day rolled around, he was no where to be seen* or heard.

In the back of my mind I knew this was going to happen. Or not happen. So much for positive thinking.

Sure I was going to let it go and see if/when he contacted me to give me some excuse for his absence. But no. I'm not wired that way. I want to know reasons right then and there, so I texted him : Looks like I win by default.

I should have added: And you lose. You lose an amazing friend. But I didn't want to be too dramatic.

He texted me back that (at 4:30) he was just getting up and feeling terrible from the night before and he was sorry he missed our match.

It's called setting an alarm or not making plans for the next day if you anticipate a rough night out.

I told him no worries that I went victory shopping (which I did) instead but that I was looking forward to catching up. I hoped that he felt better and that if he wanted a rematch he should let me know but the ball was in his court.

I'm upset, yes, that after 2 months I didn't get to see him and catch up. It seems like a lot is going on with him and I'm still interested in his life. At this point I don't think I will ever see or hear from him again and that makes me sad. But at the same time, I don't deserve to be dicked around by someone that claims they want to be friends. I deserve to have someone equally interested in my life.

And honestly, if I were to have seen him today I think old feelings would have come up and started the heartache all over again and I don't really need that. It's been a long road with me trying to get over him but this time I'm actually going to do it.

First step: number deleted from phone...for real this time. I don't need it a) for a reminder of him when I scroll through my directory b) for drunken text messages.

As I stood at the top of Trafalgar Square steps this afternoon, with tears creeping down from under my sunglasses, I looked around at all of the happy couples and realized I deserve to be in an equal, loving relationship.

Like Mandy always says, if you were able to find something with someone you weren't meant to be with, imagine how it's going to be when you find the person you are supposed to be with. I'm thinking pretty amazing.

And now I'm finally ready to get out there again and find him.

*Just in case you're picturing me waiting by a set of tennis courts, checking my phone, and pacing anxiously back and forth, it didn't go down that way. We had a tentative time to meet somewhere-yet to be figured out- at around 3ish. Well you know the rest.

15 years my Senior

Thursday was....eventful to say the least.

I usually can remember the amount of shots and drinks I consume on a given night out...but not that night. COG and I were flirty flirty and I was desperately trying to keep it as secret as possible. But really when you're drinking how can you keep flirting and giving each other the "eyes" over drinks from people, other coworkers, around you.

I asked COG how old he thought I was and instead of trying to guess he told me he was 43 since that was really what I was getting at anyway. I mulled this over and in my drunken state this was okay to me. 15 years. No problem. Despite the fact that really he could have a 23 year old child if he had one at 20. Making his pseudo offspring 5 years younger than me...less of a gap. But I later found out he had an 8 year old daughter and has never been married. Phew! My drunken self thought it would be fun to see where adventures with an older man might go...who cares that I would have to see him everyday and that others where watching.

That's when the kiss(ing) happened. Luckily the others were equally as hammered and hopefully remember this as a hallucination. The kissing was quite good actually. Well would you expect anything less from someone with that much more experience on that? I think not.

Somehow it was 2am and we were heading back to my place after everyone had gone home. I promised myself that only kissing could happen. And that is exactly what went on but slept in my bed together naturally. You know me and sleeping with others in my bed. Did not go well and he snored. Negative.

We rode the train into work the next morning. COG was in his same clothes from the night before on casual friday! AHHHH. But no one said a thing and it turns out that a guy we were out with was so drunk he got sick in a cab! Someone was worse off than me!

There is a huge difference between a kiss and a kiss that could have had extreme dirty potential. Something about having COG's hands on my bum and kissing my neck in public. I'm sure I looked like a 28 year old tart. But you only live once.

Things are slightly awkward at work...you know having someone's tongue down your throat and all and telling them "This is really bad (situation)!" repeatedly...but I'm getting through it.

UPDATE: Not planning on dating COG but he did ask via email if "we will have another night out in London......or would that be bad?????". I think I'm "getting back together" with Kanger over the weekend to soften the blow...must be very careful with the situation at hand.

*I must tell you that while all of this was going on at the different pubs, I was texting back and forth with Kanger and talking shit about how I would totally kick his ass in tennis and that he must really be scared to lose to a girl. Needless to say we have been texting on and off since Thursday and he actually called me last night but my phone was off. But we have plans to have our match next Sunday afternoon. From what I've gathered from our texting, he quit his job and gave them a 2.5 month notice and is going traveling with his high school months for a couple of months after that and from what I deduce will be moving back to Oz after that. I'll get the full scoop next weekend. Really looking forward to seeing him.

Catch up Smatch up

The past few weekends have proved that I've officially lost my mojo. My friends and I have gone to our local pub- the pub where I met Kanger and Niall. But no dice. Not a single bite whatsoever. And to top it all off, I can't stop thinking of Kanger. He's back from his trip to Turkey and like a good friend, I sent him a quick email to see how it went. He replied that it was good and asked how I was. I brought him up to speed and threw in the "We should catch up about your trip soon" card WAY to early.

Silence and crickets.

I know I brought it on myself but tonight, Kanger is on his way back to Australia (in my mind, of course). He's out of town this weekend. I'm out of town next weekend and my friend from Boston comes in town for the following one, making our tennis session postponed in evidently. The over-analyzing is getting me down and taking over my head. So not healthy.
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I have a busy weekend ahead luckily. Cinco de Mayo celebrations in London should be fun. My cousin is coming in town on Sunday and hanging out (hopefully) in the sunshine on Monday.
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I just got an extension to be in London for 6 more months! Which is awesome news! I will be able to move into a real life flat which I'm super happy about. (Right now I'm in a flat/hotel type place-nice but I want to put my own personal touch).
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I had an oops moment earlier when I was cleaning out my sent messages and accidentally re-sent my brush off text to the English dude with the 16 year-old daughter. Karma isn't going to come and get me right? It was such an accident. I stood there in bewilderment when I realized what was happening...wishing for a recall button on my phone. Ahhhhh!

Indubitably

I'm alive. I have just been trying to sort through all of this. I think I'm still in shock! I actually went on a date on Sunday afternoon with an English dude I met on Thursday night. Turns out...he's a babydaddy, too. Awesome!

Mandy told me to get the book "The Secret" that was on Oprah's book club. I must say it is very insightful and it's helping me to try to become a more positive person and not dwell on my misfortunes but to be thankful for what I do have. You should check it out! I'm becoming more aware of my thoughts and catching myself when I start to become negative. Hard work but I think it will produce great outcomes.

Listening to Counting Crows always helps, too!

Already started the process (Updated)

So I haven't heard from Kanger since Sunday when we parted on the train. So, I'm guessing (insert sarcasm here) that we aren't getting together tomorrow night for musical and sleep over. I just wish he would have told me it's not going to work instead of let me string you along and break your heart a little at a time. I'm so broken right now.

Why did I meet him and why did I fall so hard and let my guard down just to find out that he has baggage and could never give me what I needed out of a mate because his heart is already with someone else? But why make all these plans with me, ie tennis, musical, movies, etc. Why not just phase me out like normal people or actually say we can't date. Why was he even brought into my life. Isn't one heartache in the last 6 months enough?

And why is it that no matter which way I leave my flat I will be reminded of him. Turn right and it's [Kanger's Lastname] Avenue. Turn left and it's Kanger's company. Awesome, right? I have plans to go to my favorite pub on Saturday with friends and hopefully that will left my spirits.

*UPDATE*: When I got back from lunch today I received this email from Kanger. I think it's the closure I was looking for but I'm still sad things didn't work out and that he's a babydaddy. I would like to try to be friends with him so we will see how that goes on his effort and not mine.

Hey Texas,

How are you? Today has been better for me as I wasn’t at work yesterday (sick). I had time to think things through and what we spoke about on Sunday night. I’m sorry for putting this in an email but I find it’s the best way I communicate at times. I can’t commit myself to a relationship here given the uncertainty & given that you are a nice person I don’t want to hurt you as you have been in the past. I feel we both have some reservations & I guess it’s not a great way to get a relationship going. I still do want to stay friends & catch up, e.g. the long awaited tennis match (hopefully you won’t hit me with the racquet) and drinks etc but I just don’t think I’m ready for a relationship.

Kanger

This is what I replied:

Hey Kanger,

I hope you're feeling better. Thanks for being upfront and honest with me - I totally understand and agree with everything. I think you're a great guy and we always have so much fun and therefore would like very much to remain friends, too.

I hope you have an awesome time in Turkey! Would enjoy catching up about your trip over the infamous tennis match when you return - which I will win royally, of course! Safe travels and I'll talk to you (beat you) soon.

Texas

So the ball is in his proverbial court to be friends. In the meantime, I will be going out and meeting new boys this weekend!

Holy Shit.

I don't even know what to do with this...Okay...I'm wasted right now after spending hours with Kanger this afternoon. We went shopping for his racket and then we went to a pub for some drinks. Needless to say I got drunk and decided to call him out on ALL things that he has done the past few weeks. I told him he was hard to read and that is when he told me he

HAS A FOUR YEAR OLD DAUGHTER in Australia.

WTF? So it's sinking in and we talked about it and I was like as long as you aren't getting back together with the mom then we will see where this goes. But WTF? HE HAS A CHILD. How do I handle this? And while we were talking about all of this I interupted him and was like "Oh no, remember when you were in my hotel room and asked me about my car situation and I told you I still had it and that I was basically paying child support for it...I feel terrible now because I laughed and you didn't and I found it strange but now I understand." Brutal. So basically we talked about everything and he was like we will go to a play on Wednesday night and I'll bring my work clothes for the next morning. We shall see. I can't cut him off just yet because he has a child, can I? And the mom (my mom)...will not be knowing about this anytime soon.

After parting from Kanger on the train and trying to process all of this...two gay guys were sitting across from me quite drunk as well. Somehow one of them crossed their legs and flip his flip flop right next to my foot...accidentally of course. We all three thought this was the funniest thing ever and continued to laugh our heads off for 5 stops while trying to be quiet for the other passengers. My stop finally came up and I told them to try to keep their shoes in check. Cool moments laughing until you cry with complete and total strangers. I think I needed a moment of hilarity in this crazy situation I just stepped into.

Your thoughts please...

Beginning of Heartbreak (Updated)

Things are getting back to normal now that the fam has left London and my business trip is complete. Things with Kanger on the other hand still baffle me.

I didn't hear from him for a whole week and decided as a last ditch effort I would email him in case he thought I was pissed about him cancelling on me the previous weekend. (Series of emails between us-easier than paraphrasing).

From: Texas Cinderella
Sent: 10 April 2007
To: Kanger
Subject: Hello
Hey,
I hope you had a great holiday weekend. I just shipped the fam back home after having an awesome time with them-it's been a busy week of sightseeing and crazy antics! It was sad to see them go but now I'm able to enjoy my new flat (sans suitcases everywhere)! Just wanted to say hi and I hope you're having a good day.
TC

From: Kanger
Sent: 11 April 2007
To: Texas Cinderella
Subject: RE: Hello


Hi Texas,
I'm well after a great relaxing weekend. I didn't go away but had fun at the boat race. I've finally started my healthy eating & fitness program and I'm now leaving work between 5:30 & 6 everyday (well so far I did yesterday - work hasn't been the greatest lately)

It's great that you enjoyed the time with your mum and aunt. So how's the new place?
Sorry for not keeping in touch recently - I figured you'd have your hands full with your relatives.

From: Texas Cinderella
Sent: 11 April 2007 22:20
To: Kanger
Subject: RE: Hello

Sorry to hear work is still giving you troubles but good you are getting into some sort of normal routine. Hopefully they hired someone to help. The new place is good, although I've only spent one night there without peeps the day I moved in -I had to pop down to Paris for a meeting today but will be back to London Thursday morning- brutal business travel! We should totally catch up soon...

From: Kanger
Sent: 12 April 2007
To: Texas Cinderella
Subject: RE: Hello

Work is starting to pick up & leaving at a reasonable hour is helping.
Aren't we a little jet setter - 'off to Paris'. So how was Paris?

We should catch up - possibly that game of tennis I was going to win.

I've booked to go to the Grand National (horse racing) on Saturday - bus leaves at 7:30am & gets back to London 10:30pm.

To: Kanger
Sent: 12 April 2007
From: Texas Cinderella
Subject: RE: Hello

Such the jet setter! Paris was good but the meeting was killer. Glad to be back though.

If you call the score that’s going to be 6-0, 6-0 (advantage me, of course) “winning”- then bring it on! Just to warn you, I’ve been practicing and it’s ALL coming back to me. Scared yet? There is always that “Summer of ‘69” movie…(Reluctantly, advantage you).

The Grand National sounds like lots of fun! I remember you telling me about it. Who are you going with?

So he texted me later that night (his text came up 1 new message from Dick-that's about right):

K: How was your day? I just left work and I'm waiting for a haircut. i think i may let my tennis do the talking. i booked grand national with the tour group i'm going to turkey with. No1 was keen for the big trip so i just booked for myself. it's on my list of things to do in the uk

Being so utterly confused because he's been saying he's going to Turkey with his best friend and meeting a tour there I texted him:

TC: my day was busy but good considering the lack of sleep i've had. i'm so confused...i thought you were going to turkey with dave on a tour...you already know the people you're touring with? and who is Nol? hope the haircut went well and let me know when you would like to be defeated..

K: yeah dave and i are going to turkey together with a group called the fanatics. that's the group i'm off to grand national with and it was no-one. as 4 tennis i''m still yet to buy my racquet- mite b a sunday shopping job. then the games will begin. we'll have to do the movie soon as well.

Okay so I looked up this Fanatics group and it's basically an Australian run company that has crazy drinking tours with people our age. There goes my theory he would be with geriatrics for 9 days in Turkey. Awesome. And as far as no one being "keen" in going to grand nationals? Hello? We had a full conversation about how I like horse racing in my bed in which HE stayed for 12 hours.

TC: hmmm....got it. sometimes slow on the uptake of texting words. so you already met your tour group? if you need help picking out your racket Sunday let me know -or perhaps we could catch a movie...?

Silence and crickets yet again.

What the fuck is his deal? I'm so confused. He says he wants to do all these things with me (tennis and movie) yet no concrete plans are being made, hince my Sunday suggestion. And I think he leaves to go to Turkey in like a week. So if we don't see each other it will be over a month. OVER A MONTH since the last time we hung out. Who does that? Who spends an amazing 24 hours together and then pulls this shit. There is a process Kanger.

And the worst part is that I really like him...don't like how he's treating me right now but like him as a person and his personality when it's not Dick. So if and when he gets back to be to be vague again about getting together I'm going to tell him plain and simple that I don't play games that I know that we both had a blast the last time we hung out and am confused as to why he has a 180 turn around. Fuck it. Life is too short to wonder why. I'm all about closure and I have a feeling I'll have it soon. Sadness. I've lost my appetite. This is what happens when I get depressed-on the plus side my clothes are fitting rather nicely.

I'm sick of putting myself out there to have it all ripped from under me. And I'm sick of being tossed aside without the other person thinking of my feelings...have some tact.

UPDATE: Friday: So he texted me back that shopping on Sunday would be great and that we should have a late lunch to catch up. I haven't responded yet but I know I will go. But I WILL have my guard way up.

Saturday: He drunk dialed me from the Grand National and left a message...something about who sings the summer of '69 I think you might know. At least he's thinking of me while wasted.