Broken

Sorry it's been a while. I've been feeling under the weather for a while now...well literally I have the flu but emotionally I'm depressed. I don't know if it was my 30th birthday (last week) that brought this on or the whole break up thing but it's here.

While I was home I saw my family doctor and she gave me meds to help. I vowed never to get back on them (I had a bought with anxiety and depression in college after my childhood friend died suddenly in a car accident and I didn't know how to deal with it). But in this case, it's just needed. I'm not myself. I'm not eating (on the bright side I've lost 10 pounds and I'm wearing pants loosely that used to only give me a camel toe). I'm not sleeping. I'm distracted. My friends and family notice and I'm not being the person that I want to be. It's getting better now that I've been on the pills but I still need to work on letting go of trying to control every aspect of my life.

Another one bites the dust

I'm not going to lie, these past 2 weeks have been hard. Filled with anxiety and panic attacks and control issues. But it's done. And Graham and I are no longer. I'm not sure when or where it all went wrong but it just was not to be. And I think I held onto it longer than I should because of the lines he fed me on the future and being on the same page, etc. I wasn't in love with him but in love with the idea of being in love with him. Something just wasn't clicking and I thought it was because we were spending too much time together and if he was at his new job it would be different but now I see that wasn't the case. He ticked all of my boxes:
cute
smart
funny
good dresser
good family values
older
educated
cultured
tall
successful
etc.

Except one. It felt forced and not effortless. And in the end I saw his true character and selfishness.

And I know I'll find this again with someone else but it just stings a little and I'm trying to work through it. I'm also slightly freaking out because I turn 30 in 30 days and I have nothing to show for it. (I thought I'd be married with 3 kids by the time I was 30). Plus I'm in a wedding with all of my close friends in a couple of weeks and I'm still the single girl in the room waiting to catch the bouquet -with the failed relationships under her belt.

I'm already picking up the pieces (deleted him from my phone, erased emails, his songs on my ipod) and I'm trying to sort through everything so that I don't dwell too long. It will take time and I will survive...I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

How not to lose a guy in 13 days

-don't suggest you he go back to your house but can't spend the night...this will only make him offer for you to go back to his out of pity.

-don't make out and let him see you naked. He obviously didn't like the flaws that he saw. Especially your much needed wax on your bikini line.

-don't have nasal surgery and snore loudly in his ear because you're allergic to his goose duvet.

-don't have genetically hairy legs that once you step out of the shower from shaving you have 5 o'clock shadow...imagine what they are like wrapped around him 24 hours later...porcupinish and not pretty.

-don't walk around in just your thong as he will see what little cellulite you do have and be repulsed.

-don't wake up with day old makeup and beard burn. You are not cute.

-don't tell him that the dynamic is off and make him tell you that he wants to see you again....he doesn't which is loud and clear from his cold emails and even colder encounters during the week.

-don't try to charm him on the train ride home...this only makes it worse and emphasizes why he doesn't want to be with you.

-don't put in an email plans for Saturday that you discussed on Tuesday about where to go for dinner before seeing the jazz band. He won't return the email with whether or not you're still on or not and leave you in the grey zone.

-don't talk to someone that sits 20 feet away from you at work so that when you go to the toilet you can see he's surfing the Internet and not answering your email.

-don't talk to someone that this time last week made you feel like you were "beautiful and funny and smart and fantastic" and now this week you feel about thissmall.

It was going so well and now...just speechless.

Houston, we have lift off...

It works but I don't think we're going to work. After 24 hours together with a basically one sided conversation, I've had enough.

I met his friends at the park and it just seemed that I was in the way of catching up. What should have been an afternoon of boozing in the park turned into a sober one with hours slowly ticking by. Nate decided to detox from alcohol for a week and not wanting to seem like an alcoholic, I refrained as well. It was just awkward. I'm a talker. I'm outgoing. I like finding out new and interesting things about people but not when the person I'm trying to find out about said things only gives me yes or no answers with NO elaboration, my stubbornness shines through and I'm just done trying. I'm especially done when there's no flirtation to help me to know things are okay.

Granted the whole day wasn't like that. Some good conversations happened. But it's as if Nate is like Fun Bobby from Friends. Take away the alcohol and I've got nothing. When we went back to my flat after the park he was all flirty. Cuddling and kissing me. Then I got ready for us to go and meet my work friends at a pub for the house warming party.

When we got there, this Polish girl was there who works at my company and I've met her NUMEROUS times. I have even eaten lunch with her before. She introduced herself as if she was seeing me for the first time. I, at that point, had had a glass of wine (while Nate drank his flipping water) and was in a confrontational mood. Not even a month ago, she met up with a group of people from work after the Oxford vs. Cambridge boat race and we all went out. I even said she knew our mutual friend and she had no clue who he was either. Nate was squirming the whole time while I "politely" told her we had met SEVERAL times. But come on just pretend that you've met me...BECAUSE YOU HAVE. Anyway, she then blatantly hit on Nate in front of my face. I later totally called him out on it and he played dumb. Crazy card comes out again. But the correct answer would have been "Whatever TC, she's a dumb ass and ugly". But again I got none of that.

We went and grabbed dinner at a restaurant by my house and then rented a movie off of itunes and tried to watch it. Since it's hot here and I have no A/C the windows were open and it made it very hard to hear anything. Then Nate wasn't feeling well so I said he could lay down in my bed since it was cooler in my room. So we lied down and then we started kissing. And that's when it FINALLY happened (and again in the morning - not sex). But instead of being his caressing, sweet cuddling self, he barely held me. Maybe it was because it was hot but still. I brought up the whole hard to read thing and how I couldn't understand his texts and how frustrating it was. And he said I could call him or email him, too. I then told him how I've put myself out there like that before and have been burned in the past so he would have to initiate. Especially since my UK cell phone will not be on or work to receive text messages while I'm in the States. I'm sorry but I'm a planner. But now I don't even think it's worth the one sided effort.

It's entirely whateves. I've deleted his number from my phone because a.) I don't need the temptation of making contact first after sharing how I felt - to which he squirmed and couldn't get out of my flat fast enough. b.) I'm the one leaving, he should be the one telling me to have a safe trip, good surgery and that he will be in touch via email, etc. while I'm gone. And maybe that he'll miss me a little. I NEED COMMUNICATION. It shouldn't be this hard.

Folks, I don't think we have a winner.

Erasure

You know what's the devil?....FACEBOOK. It tells you all sorts of jems, like a certain someone is still in London after telling me he was moving back to Australia in December and a certain outing at a club that happens to be 2 stops away from me in a month that he will be attending -don't worry I will not be making a drop by- that's a little psy-cho even for me. And I know I need to mentally ship him off and physically STOP checking. It's not healthy I know this and I vow to stop but wanted to give you insight into the crazy.

I did however make a HUGE step and erase all emails to and from him that were in one of my inbox folders. The emails are almost a year old and need to be trashed. High time to do some spring cleaning...on my heart. (say cheese)

I'm looking for a relationship that sounds like a Joshua Radin song (again) . Is that so hard to ask?

*Still on hiatus...just shifting through the shit. (I feel if I put this patheticness out to the internet/universe I will feel ashamed and stop - my very own nicorette patch).

Ventilation

-I got a drunken text from Skully on Friday night "Hey. Little question. Are you still talking to me?". I had to text him back (ie. since we work together) so the next afternoon I texted a rhetorical "Why wouldn't I still be talking to you?". And scene. The curious part of me is all WTF was that about? The other part of me is whateves.

-The Blake thing is REALLY bothering me.

-In addition to that, it seems like at least 4 of my friends haven't emailed me back to a question I asked. WTF? I'm starting to get a complex.

-I'm having second thoughts about my job here. I love London but miss the more creative jobs I've had in the past. There might be an opportunity at my company to interview for something like that but I can feel myself being snippy because I hate my current job description. But it's a double edge sword because if I want to stay in London, I have to do this type of work. Otherwise, I will be shipped back to Houston.

-Which is stressing me out because I can't imagine myself living/working back in Houston right now or for a while. Nor can I see myself back in the states right now or for a while...dare I say ever? The point was reiterated on Sunday when I watched the Superbowl with a bunch of Americans. I had fun but they (the boys) were all just lacking something. An accent? A different cultural background than me? Culture, period? I know, I'm unpatriotic.

-I dropped my already breaking phone today and it DIED. Therefore tonight, instead of going home and relaxing with a bubble bath, I have to go and pay gold for a new one.

-I'm just one giant stress ball and want to just cry for no reason. It's one of those days where you feel the whole world is against you.

-I have an hour and a half massage scheduled for Saturday...but it just couldn't get here fast enough.

Slap in the flipping FACE

Blake is moving in a month. He got laid off from his job that he hated and is moving to Austin where he was already in the process of closing on a condo. He’s going traveling before he leaves at the end of February and then he’ll be back in May for culinary school in France during the summer.

I’m very sad that one of my close friends is leaving sooner than his expected departure date in May. I am extremely hurt, however, that I know of this information through his flatmate, Prissy, and NOT him.

I could understand that he might be embarrassed that he was laid off but Prissy told me on Saturday at Rugby (Blake was supposed to go too but flaked out at the last minute so I didn’t get to see him) that he wrote a flipping post about it on his myspace page. He was actually overjoyed to be able to leave London, which he hated as well. You would think that someone you traveled to 3 different countries with, had blasts with every time you hung out and shared deep conversations with would have the decency to contact you about something like…oh yeah I’m moving in 20 days, thought you should know since we are pretty close. And it’s not like he’s been busy. He’s been Mr. Mom as Prissy called him hanging out on the weekdays, cooking and cleaning the flat. Plenty of time to email/text/call me to tell me this news.

I was going to contact him this week to say that I was sorry that he got laid off but I know he's happy about getting back to Texas and if he wanted to grab dinner...but he left for Berlin, then Prague today for the week (info through Prissy) and I can't decide if I should contact him when he gets back. It's sad really and also makes me want to scream WTF????????????? So hurt. And to make it worse...I'm 100% positive that Prissy told him that I was upset and still silence on the airwaves.

Sidenote: The last time I talked to him was after we hung out for the Patriots vs. Chargers game with Harris. We had soo much fun and he drunkenly talked about renting a villa (with a big group of people) in the South of France after his culinary school finished in August for a week. He followed up with an email the next morning when he was severly hungover to say that he was serious and that we should start investigating now. He was to go skiing that weekend so I didn't think anything of it for not talking to him but he's been back for a week and known about the lay off for 2 weeks and it's been was silence and crickets.

2008 - off to a bumpy start

I hope you all had a great holiday!

I'm back in the UK and and so glad to be back in my second home. I had a great time while at home for 2 weeks and an even awesomer time in San Francisco with Mandy. We were up to no good and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

I've been quiet lately because I'm afraid of the responses I would get about not following your advice of going on hiatus. And while I honestly tried, I couldn't help what happened next. Call me a fool or just a helpless romantic that is optimistic when it comes to love. I now call myself delusional.

It goes back to my birthday at the end of November. A few weeks before that, I had invited Skully to attend because I liked him. Long story short, my birthday celebration came and I avoided him trying to meet up with my friends and I like the plague. I wanted to enjoy my day without feeling like I had to babysit someone. And I really did have a blast with my friends. The next day however, I felt terrible that he waited for like an hour and a half for my friends and I to show up at the original meeting spot (I changed the venue at the last minute since it was raining). Since we work together, I didn't want there to be any hard feelings so I texted to tell him I was sorry that the wires got crossed. Somehow I got roped into meeting him for drinks with him and his brother's fiance that night. That's when my feelings changed. He was a real person with cute growing up stories. He seemed different to me. So he told me things were different now. (Before remember there was the whole love triangle scenario with his ex that I wanted no part of). I voiced my concern about it again and he reassured me that he broke up with her because he could never love her...plus she was a depressed, alcoholic and had jealousy issues.

So we hung out and he called when he said he would and we went to our company party and had a blast. He spent the entire weekend with me that weekend, never going home. Then after that he spent 95% of his nights at my place before I left for the states on the 21st and he left for a month long Moroccan surfing and France skiing adventure.

He called about 3 times the first week I was gone and right before New Year's when I was at the airport to go to San Fran. We had a good conversation and he said he would call in a couple of days.

A couple of days and a week and a half went by. Intuition is a powerful thing really. I can feel when something isn't right yet I try to tell myself that I'm just being negative. I should have listened from the beginning of my gut concern of him getting back together with the ex.

He called at noon today to tell me he couldn't see me anymore. And that he was in London and had been for a couple of days. He took so long to call because he had to pluck the courage to tell me that he had flown back to see N and that they weren't back together but they weren't not together and that it wasn't fair for me if he continued to see me. He did this while I was at flipping work. I'm now at home. Nothing productive would come out of me being there today really. I'm reflecting on my life choices more than him really.

But still gobsmacked.

But like the others, I'll survive....again. Please don't judge to harshly.

On a side note: I called Kanger (no answer) and had diarrhea of Facebook messages (no reply thank God!) on New Year's Eve night. Even had a cry fest with Mandy at 3am in the morning that I wanted Kanger sans baby and baggage. So I know I'm not 100% into Skully....but it doesn't prevent the sting and smarting.

Distractions

These past few weeks have been crazy!

I've been to a couple of concerts lately The Dandy Warhols and Lovers Electric- both brilliant. Been going out a lot. Was propositioned while meeting up with friends at a bar across town by a drunk Australian (of course) "before I go home, can you give me a wank?". WTF? I replied "probably not going to happen!" over my shoulder. This past weekend a bloke was chatting me up and then proceeded to try to kiss me while my friends weren't looking and tell me all the different ways he would pleasure me-very graphically. Um...hi, we just met like 5 seconds ago and that is a HUGE turn off! Why can't I just meet someone normal?

At least I had these incidents to distract me from thinking about the rumor that was going around in the Houston office that my name was on a list to go to Singapore. Excuse me, what? Needless to say the freak out occurred and now I have my list of reasons why I don't want to go there all prepared if and when I'm approached. Mainly I have established a life HERE and call me crazy but I don't feel like living in a hotel for months again. I had a meeting with one of the big bosses again today that was reassuring that I would be still staying in London. Thank God! But I'm not going to feel 100% great about it until I sign another contract.

I've also been rather down lately about the relationship situation or lack there of. I got into a huge yelling match on the phone (sound familiar? do you see a pattern?) with the Cog after a bottle of wine on Thursday with friends and no dinner. I don't even want to BE with him....I think it's just the principle of him not wanting to date me only...you know and hello I should be the 28 year old tart he should be falling all over. I know. I'm fucked up. I might have texted him when we hung up "i don't want to keep you from all the 40 year-olds (at the pub he was at) that might get away". I think I have anger issues, too. (Back story: there was a relapse 2 weeks ago when he was in town for a dinner).

I'm going through some issues. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm just hoping for more distractions...of the good kind.

In which I am retarded

Today while waiting for the train, I reviewed my received call log and noticed a number that I didn't recognize. The missed call was at 7:31am on August 4th, the morning after the yelling and screaming (and crying) match with Kanger.

For the entire train ride home I kept coming up with all of these different scenarios in my head: Maybe Kanger called (from his flat phone hence the unknown number) when he got home that morning from his night out with the boys to talk about what had happened. Maybe if I called the number to see if someone with an Australian (Kanger or his flatmate) or South African accent (flatmate's live-in girlfriend) answered, I would know if it was indeed his flats number. I could be all "sorry I think I have the wrong number" when they answered. A part of me wanted to see if Kanger was somewhat of a decent guy, and actually checked on me after I was clearly upset.

I couldn't wait to find out - I'll admit it - my scenario also included Kanger answering and then when I did my wrong number schpeal he would be like "Tixas, is that you? I tried calling you on Friday but I punked out and didn't leave a message. I'm so sorry about that night....".

So I called as soon as I got in the door and

MY FLIPPING LAND LINE RANG.

Because I don't know my own number (obviously) and the morning of August 4th, still drunk from the night before, I called my mobile phone to see if it still worked because hello? Kanger hadn't called me back like he said he would. (Shocker!) It all came back to me.

I had the biggest belly laugh about this because sometimes you have to laugh to keep yourself from crying.

Verdict: I'm retarded (and pathetic) and Kanger still remains an ass.

Mad

at myself.

The past couple of weeks I've been doing things that just aren't...well me. It's like I'm having an out of body experience. Where I see the things I'm doing and know that they aren't good for me yet don't stop myself, let the experience continue so that I can dwell on it and create more self resentment. The old me would run for the hills in this situation. Wouldn't even dream of getting into the situation in the first place. The old me had morals and standards and expectations. But I'm obviously going through something... boredom, jadedness, bitterness- who knows?

I do know that it has to stop and that tomorrow starts a new day.

I'm done with boys, men, ASSHOLES

Things with COG, er, "progressed" on Thursday night after half a bottle of red wine and some vodka spirits. Now I know that I'm definitely not interested in dating this guy (man) nor see any sort of future with him but when someone tells you that they are going to come over on Saturday night, you tend to believe them. Until, you know, they don't. And they don't even call to tell you they aren't coming, nor do they call the next day with a lame excuse. The best is that he had my number and I didn't have his to be like 'what the fuck?' And honestly my intuition was telling me that he wasn't going to come over in the back of my mind when we parted ways on Friday morning. Something just felt off. But being the nice person I am, I like to give them the benefit of the doubt.

So Saturday, I went on a pub crawl during the day with some of my friends, left to meet COG and when he didn't show between 6-7pm his proposed time, I met my friends back out. All was not lost but it's the flipping principle of things. Have a little respect. And the fact that we are in such close proximity with each other during the week, one would think he would try not to look like a using ass. Monday should be very interesting to say the least.

So I think I'm tossing in the towel on the male gender for a while. I thought I could just have fun to pass the time until Mr. Right floated along but all I'm kissing lately are frogs. And I'm sick of frogs. Frogs suck. They tell you what you want to hear when you want to hear it. And then they don't follow through. I deserve soooo much better and repeatedly putting myself in this destructive pattern is not helping my well being.

Where is my prince already?

*UPDATE: So COG emails me a sorry about the weekend note. And I was like all you had to do was call to cancel, it's no big deal we didn't get together. Turns out he had the last digit wrong of my phone number - I made him call me standing in front of me with my phone that was clearly not ringing - and left a message on that persons voicemail. Whateves. Think I've changed my mind and am now into using men as much as they use me. The COG is very good at certain things ladies. No emotional ties especially since I know it's not going anywhere. Game on!

Letting Go

I wish I could tell you how tennis and catching up with Kanger was today. But I can't. Yes Kanger talked about playing all week, even called me about it (which I'm kicking myself for missing) but when the actual day rolled around, he was no where to be seen* or heard.

In the back of my mind I knew this was going to happen. Or not happen. So much for positive thinking.

Sure I was going to let it go and see if/when he contacted me to give me some excuse for his absence. But no. I'm not wired that way. I want to know reasons right then and there, so I texted him : Looks like I win by default.

I should have added: And you lose. You lose an amazing friend. But I didn't want to be too dramatic.

He texted me back that (at 4:30) he was just getting up and feeling terrible from the night before and he was sorry he missed our match.

It's called setting an alarm or not making plans for the next day if you anticipate a rough night out.

I told him no worries that I went victory shopping (which I did) instead but that I was looking forward to catching up. I hoped that he felt better and that if he wanted a rematch he should let me know but the ball was in his court.

I'm upset, yes, that after 2 months I didn't get to see him and catch up. It seems like a lot is going on with him and I'm still interested in his life. At this point I don't think I will ever see or hear from him again and that makes me sad. But at the same time, I don't deserve to be dicked around by someone that claims they want to be friends. I deserve to have someone equally interested in my life.

And honestly, if I were to have seen him today I think old feelings would have come up and started the heartache all over again and I don't really need that. It's been a long road with me trying to get over him but this time I'm actually going to do it.

First step: number deleted from phone...for real this time. I don't need it a) for a reminder of him when I scroll through my directory b) for drunken text messages.

As I stood at the top of Trafalgar Square steps this afternoon, with tears creeping down from under my sunglasses, I looked around at all of the happy couples and realized I deserve to be in an equal, loving relationship.

Like Mandy always says, if you were able to find something with someone you weren't meant to be with, imagine how it's going to be when you find the person you are supposed to be with. I'm thinking pretty amazing.

And now I'm finally ready to get out there again and find him.

*Just in case you're picturing me waiting by a set of tennis courts, checking my phone, and pacing anxiously back and forth, it didn't go down that way. We had a tentative time to meet somewhere-yet to be figured out- at around 3ish. Well you know the rest.

Already started the process (Updated)

So I haven't heard from Kanger since Sunday when we parted on the train. So, I'm guessing (insert sarcasm here) that we aren't getting together tomorrow night for musical and sleep over. I just wish he would have told me it's not going to work instead of let me string you along and break your heart a little at a time. I'm so broken right now.

Why did I meet him and why did I fall so hard and let my guard down just to find out that he has baggage and could never give me what I needed out of a mate because his heart is already with someone else? But why make all these plans with me, ie tennis, musical, movies, etc. Why not just phase me out like normal people or actually say we can't date. Why was he even brought into my life. Isn't one heartache in the last 6 months enough?

And why is it that no matter which way I leave my flat I will be reminded of him. Turn right and it's [Kanger's Lastname] Avenue. Turn left and it's Kanger's company. Awesome, right? I have plans to go to my favorite pub on Saturday with friends and hopefully that will left my spirits.

*UPDATE*: When I got back from lunch today I received this email from Kanger. I think it's the closure I was looking for but I'm still sad things didn't work out and that he's a babydaddy. I would like to try to be friends with him so we will see how that goes on his effort and not mine.

Hey Texas,

How are you? Today has been better for me as I wasn’t at work yesterday (sick). I had time to think things through and what we spoke about on Sunday night. I’m sorry for putting this in an email but I find it’s the best way I communicate at times. I can’t commit myself to a relationship here given the uncertainty & given that you are a nice person I don’t want to hurt you as you have been in the past. I feel we both have some reservations & I guess it’s not a great way to get a relationship going. I still do want to stay friends & catch up, e.g. the long awaited tennis match (hopefully you won’t hit me with the racquet) and drinks etc but I just don’t think I’m ready for a relationship.

Kanger

This is what I replied:

Hey Kanger,

I hope you're feeling better. Thanks for being upfront and honest with me - I totally understand and agree with everything. I think you're a great guy and we always have so much fun and therefore would like very much to remain friends, too.

I hope you have an awesome time in Turkey! Would enjoy catching up about your trip over the infamous tennis match when you return - which I will win royally, of course! Safe travels and I'll talk to you (beat you) soon.

Texas

So the ball is in his proverbial court to be friends. In the meantime, I will be going out and meeting new boys this weekend!

Beginning of Heartbreak (Updated)

Things are getting back to normal now that the fam has left London and my business trip is complete. Things with Kanger on the other hand still baffle me.

I didn't hear from him for a whole week and decided as a last ditch effort I would email him in case he thought I was pissed about him cancelling on me the previous weekend. (Series of emails between us-easier than paraphrasing).

From: Texas Cinderella
Sent: 10 April 2007
To: Kanger
Subject: Hello
Hey,
I hope you had a great holiday weekend. I just shipped the fam back home after having an awesome time with them-it's been a busy week of sightseeing and crazy antics! It was sad to see them go but now I'm able to enjoy my new flat (sans suitcases everywhere)! Just wanted to say hi and I hope you're having a good day.
TC

From: Kanger
Sent: 11 April 2007
To: Texas Cinderella
Subject: RE: Hello


Hi Texas,
I'm well after a great relaxing weekend. I didn't go away but had fun at the boat race. I've finally started my healthy eating & fitness program and I'm now leaving work between 5:30 & 6 everyday (well so far I did yesterday - work hasn't been the greatest lately)

It's great that you enjoyed the time with your mum and aunt. So how's the new place?
Sorry for not keeping in touch recently - I figured you'd have your hands full with your relatives.

From: Texas Cinderella
Sent: 11 April 2007 22:20
To: Kanger
Subject: RE: Hello

Sorry to hear work is still giving you troubles but good you are getting into some sort of normal routine. Hopefully they hired someone to help. The new place is good, although I've only spent one night there without peeps the day I moved in -I had to pop down to Paris for a meeting today but will be back to London Thursday morning- brutal business travel! We should totally catch up soon...

From: Kanger
Sent: 12 April 2007
To: Texas Cinderella
Subject: RE: Hello

Work is starting to pick up & leaving at a reasonable hour is helping.
Aren't we a little jet setter - 'off to Paris'. So how was Paris?

We should catch up - possibly that game of tennis I was going to win.

I've booked to go to the Grand National (horse racing) on Saturday - bus leaves at 7:30am & gets back to London 10:30pm.

To: Kanger
Sent: 12 April 2007
From: Texas Cinderella
Subject: RE: Hello

Such the jet setter! Paris was good but the meeting was killer. Glad to be back though.

If you call the score that’s going to be 6-0, 6-0 (advantage me, of course) “winning”- then bring it on! Just to warn you, I’ve been practicing and it’s ALL coming back to me. Scared yet? There is always that “Summer of ‘69” movie…(Reluctantly, advantage you).

The Grand National sounds like lots of fun! I remember you telling me about it. Who are you going with?

So he texted me later that night (his text came up 1 new message from Dick-that's about right):

K: How was your day? I just left work and I'm waiting for a haircut. i think i may let my tennis do the talking. i booked grand national with the tour group i'm going to turkey with. No1 was keen for the big trip so i just booked for myself. it's on my list of things to do in the uk

Being so utterly confused because he's been saying he's going to Turkey with his best friend and meeting a tour there I texted him:

TC: my day was busy but good considering the lack of sleep i've had. i'm so confused...i thought you were going to turkey with dave on a tour...you already know the people you're touring with? and who is Nol? hope the haircut went well and let me know when you would like to be defeated..

K: yeah dave and i are going to turkey together with a group called the fanatics. that's the group i'm off to grand national with and it was no-one. as 4 tennis i''m still yet to buy my racquet- mite b a sunday shopping job. then the games will begin. we'll have to do the movie soon as well.

Okay so I looked up this Fanatics group and it's basically an Australian run company that has crazy drinking tours with people our age. There goes my theory he would be with geriatrics for 9 days in Turkey. Awesome. And as far as no one being "keen" in going to grand nationals? Hello? We had a full conversation about how I like horse racing in my bed in which HE stayed for 12 hours.

TC: hmmm....got it. sometimes slow on the uptake of texting words. so you already met your tour group? if you need help picking out your racket Sunday let me know -or perhaps we could catch a movie...?

Silence and crickets yet again.

What the fuck is his deal? I'm so confused. He says he wants to do all these things with me (tennis and movie) yet no concrete plans are being made, hince my Sunday suggestion. And I think he leaves to go to Turkey in like a week. So if we don't see each other it will be over a month. OVER A MONTH since the last time we hung out. Who does that? Who spends an amazing 24 hours together and then pulls this shit. There is a process Kanger.

And the worst part is that I really like him...don't like how he's treating me right now but like him as a person and his personality when it's not Dick. So if and when he gets back to be to be vague again about getting together I'm going to tell him plain and simple that I don't play games that I know that we both had a blast the last time we hung out and am confused as to why he has a 180 turn around. Fuck it. Life is too short to wonder why. I'm all about closure and I have a feeling I'll have it soon. Sadness. I've lost my appetite. This is what happens when I get depressed-on the plus side my clothes are fitting rather nicely.

I'm sick of putting myself out there to have it all ripped from under me. And I'm sick of being tossed aside without the other person thinking of my feelings...have some tact.

UPDATE: Friday: So he texted me back that shopping on Sunday would be great and that we should have a late lunch to catch up. I haven't responded yet but I know I will go. But I WILL have my guard way up.

Saturday: He drunk dialed me from the Grand National and left a message...something about who sings the summer of '69 I think you might know. At least he's thinking of me while wasted.

Flat Out

Exhausted. It's 2am and I'm sitting in my new flat. I finally left the hotel after 4 months and I really miss my routine I had there. The first night anywhere in a new place is hard but when your mom and aunt are on their way, as we speak, the anxiety really sets in.

I'm signed up to be the navigator of London while my mom will act as tour guide for their visit. That's sure to be extremely exhausting days in my studio flat, no less. My friends from Nice are going to be in town as well as Melissa (This is it, seriously?) and I'm going to try with all of my might to meet up but the odds aren't looking up and I am disappointed that I might miss hanging out.

Once my mom and aunt leave on Wednesday, I have to hop on a 6am flight to Paris, travel the French countryside for a meeting and then return to London on Thursday. Somewhere in there I have to work on my interviewing skills as I'm a candidate for a permanent position here (in which I went behind my current department's back) although I'm not sure when I will have time to actually go on the interview.

And to add to all of the stress, Kanger is still MIA. And "I do really like u" keeps repeating in my head and playing mind games. Because really? REALLY? I'm actually excited for the distraction of not jumping every time my phone rings or checking to see if I have a new text message. Because if I did, Kanger's name has been officially changed to Dick.

"I do really like u"

This is the text I received at 4am on Sunday morning from Kanger after he dissed me to go to dinner and out with his old Australian boss that was in town. I would have totally been so understanding about his sudden change in plans had he told me as soon as he found out instead of me having to text him Saturday to see if we were still on to go to Kiwi's party.

He called right away from my text and tried to make small talk and then was like I found out Friday that Old Boss is going back to Australia on Monday and he wants to get together. I was like okay well maybe we can meet up later. He told me he would talk to his boss and get back to me. The boy never did. So I went to the party, proceeded to have a fairly good time considering the shittiness I was dealing with and got wasted. I was home by 1am and called my best friends in Texas to vent while crying, having had too much wine.

I got up on Sunday read the text ("hey, i'm so sorry about tonite. i hope u had a gr8 nite. i do really like u"), thought okay he's sorry surely he'll actually call today to reiterate his sorriness. I went for a run, went shopping, enjoyed the gorgeous weather and when I was home that night I texted him "Hi...just give me a ring later" after not hearing from him all day.

Silence and crickets folks.

I just don't get it. And to make matters worse, if he were to try to make it up to me next weekend, my mom and aunt are coming on Thursday so there's not really the option of even seeing him. In which case it will be 3 weeks of not seeing him by the time they leave. The momentum is being interupted yet again. I'm at a loss for understanding him and yet again brutally disappointed.