I'm done with boys, men, ASSHOLES

Things with COG, er, "progressed" on Thursday night after half a bottle of red wine and some vodka spirits. Now I know that I'm definitely not interested in dating this guy (man) nor see any sort of future with him but when someone tells you that they are going to come over on Saturday night, you tend to believe them. Until, you know, they don't. And they don't even call to tell you they aren't coming, nor do they call the next day with a lame excuse. The best is that he had my number and I didn't have his to be like 'what the fuck?' And honestly my intuition was telling me that he wasn't going to come over in the back of my mind when we parted ways on Friday morning. Something just felt off. But being the nice person I am, I like to give them the benefit of the doubt.

So Saturday, I went on a pub crawl during the day with some of my friends, left to meet COG and when he didn't show between 6-7pm his proposed time, I met my friends back out. All was not lost but it's the flipping principle of things. Have a little respect. And the fact that we are in such close proximity with each other during the week, one would think he would try not to look like a using ass. Monday should be very interesting to say the least.

So I think I'm tossing in the towel on the male gender for a while. I thought I could just have fun to pass the time until Mr. Right floated along but all I'm kissing lately are frogs. And I'm sick of frogs. Frogs suck. They tell you what you want to hear when you want to hear it. And then they don't follow through. I deserve soooo much better and repeatedly putting myself in this destructive pattern is not helping my well being.

Where is my prince already?

*UPDATE: So COG emails me a sorry about the weekend note. And I was like all you had to do was call to cancel, it's no big deal we didn't get together. Turns out he had the last digit wrong of my phone number - I made him call me standing in front of me with my phone that was clearly not ringing - and left a message on that persons voicemail. Whateves. Think I've changed my mind and am now into using men as much as they use me. The COG is very good at certain things ladies. No emotional ties especially since I know it's not going anywhere. Game on!

Rage against the Machine (ie Cell phone)

What if after 3 glasses of wine (when your limit is clearly 1 glass when no dinner is involved) with the COG (for the second night in a row) you do something crazy. Like somehow find a certain phone number even though you erased it from your phonebook and were very thorough to delete it from your text message inbox and outbox. But by sheer luck the number still sits in your received call log from the time you missed his call weeks ago*.

And what if you start texting on the tube back to your flat, like a mad person and saying everything that is possibly in your head about the situation and when you run out of room you send that text and start a new one, this time to fill him in on what you've been doing since he was too much of a rudeass to ask last time. And you tell him he was a rudeass too. You tell him where you're living now and that you are going home in July for your 10 year high school reunion and that you are even going to Ibiza, so there. And what if you get a text back saying "easy tiger" and that sends you even more over the edge and into crying hysterics that you try calling but of course the phone is not picked up on his end so you text that this is a shock that he isn't answering. Of course sarcastically.

You call your friends back home for them to talk you down off of this alcohol induced ledge only to receive a text that he's at a pub and will call you tomorrow. You be a smart ass and text back that you won't hold your breath on that one and that you really need to talk to him.

So he calls. And you say everything that is on your mind...you know reiterating what was said in already in drunken text and say that the whole situation was just fucked up. And that you were suppose to go back to the states and that it was the wine talking about being exclusive. And the day he stood you up for tennis you felt you were way too nice and basically "just bent over and took it". And somehow you talk about his trip to Australia which he leaves for on Friday and how he's going to see his daughter and la la la- normal conversation and all the while, he never hears you cry. He then tells you that you will play tennis when he gets back and you tell him not to blow smoke up your ass. Which makes him laugh. But let's face it, your psychotic episode pretty much guarantees you will not be getting a phone call when he gets back.

And it makes you sad. Because although finally talking to him after all this time is really what you needed, by showing your real self and your potty mouth that you usually kept in check with him, you know that this is officially over. For real. The opportunity lost forever. And only the handful of memories remain.

*very rarely do I get calls (unless I'm dating someone and clearly that is NOT the case right now) on my "mobile"...everything seems to be about text messages to make plans here...therefore why his missed call is still in my phone from the beginning of June.

Just Friends

Saturday night was fun. The house party ended up being cancelled but Blake and I met up anyway at a pub in between our flats - turns out we live only 2 tube stops away from each other. We totally recognized each other when we first got to the pub and did the whole what are you doing in the city, the mutual friend game and getting acquainted song and dance. Really nice guy, cute, smart, successful but way shorter than me and I was wearing flats! I like to be able to be protected in a dark alley when I date someone and this guy unfortunately would not pass that test. But he does have great friend potential and we talked about traveling to Spain together.

We moved onto another bar/lounge where a guy he used to work with in New York joined us. This guy was super cute as well and tall but lived in NYC. The three of us continued drinking and when that bar closed we set out to find one that was still open. We stumbled on some random bar that I swear is a Chinese restaurant by day and NYC guy worked some magic and got us a free bottle of champagne. By this time I had already had 2 diet and Bacardi's, a gazillion watermelon martini's (so delish) and now 1/3 of a bottle of champagne. We then headed to a dive bar and met up with 2 more of Blake's friends. By this time I was in the mood to d.a.n.c.e. and luckily the place played great hip hop jams. I danced with NYC guy who was super fun and then I danced with Blake. Drunk Blake totally tried to put the moves on me and dance up close and personal but I got out of it by doing the whole hold hands and twirl/jitter bug routine.

We all ended up drinking more at Blake's flat which is 3 times the size of my flat complete with pimp ass furniture and a massive flat screen TV. All of the guys were bankers with the latest blackberry in pocket and highly successful at 28 it seems. Two of the guys in their drunkenness were going to have a sprinting contest but one of them bailed out because he had on his "Ferragamo's". Which NYC guy said he had lunch with Tony and James Ferragamo at their vineyard in Tuscany just last week. What what? It was fun just chilling and being around boys on a platonic basis- I forgot how entertaining they can be!

At 6am, it was time to call it a night/morning. NYC guy was staying with friends in my neck of the woods so we walked together a ways. He sent me an email from his blackberry so that I could have his contact info. He might be moving to London or at least traveling here often so that could be fun. We parted ways and I finally crashed into my bed and didn't get up until 3pm.

I paid the price for fun all day yesterday but sometimes it's just worth it!

Real Classy.

Just your typical day.

You know go to work, work a half day (normal for Fridays), go to the pub after work, make out with COG in a park on a park bench with school children playing 50 yards away. Hear things like "I want to shag* your brains out". Finish kissing then go your separate ways. Ride the tube in disbelief. Run errands. Go to the grocery store. Go for a run. Go out to dinner with friends and speak of none of this.

You know, typical day.

Which leads me to the question: What the hell am I thinking (doing)?

*Shagging did NOT occur, just for the record.

The Non Date

On Saturday, I randomly called my 1st old roommate from New York, Bailey, to catch up since I hadn't spoken to her in at least 6 months. (She let me crash on her futon for 3 months when I first moved to NYC with only $3,000 in my pocket and a dream-sorry cheesetastic, I know). She' s living in San Antonio now with her doctor husband and everything seems to be going well. Just as we were saying goodbye, she told me that a guy we went to college with just moved to London from New York and gave me his contact information.

I wasn't sure if I was remembering him correctly so I myspaced him to check up on it - flipping love that invention. Turns out it was the correct frat daddy from years ago and that we have a lot of mutual friends. I remember talking to him on several different occasions in college and in New York, that he's super cute (but short, about my height-5'6"ish) and very outgoing.

On Monday, I emailed him that Bailey suggested I get in touch with him and that we might have met a couple of times at UT and NYC. He emailed me back that he was adapting to London life and that we should get together soon. I agreed, thinking we'd meet up after work one day for drinks, but after a few emails back and forth he invited me to a house party on Saturday. So I'm going, why not?

I really wouldn't classify this as a "date" per se but more of a "non date". We haven't seen each other in years and if anything perhaps we'll become buddy buddy in London - which would be great since I kind of miss having my guy friends around. But I'm keeping an open mind and whatever happens happens...just have to remember to wear flats on Saturday.

Letting Go

I wish I could tell you how tennis and catching up with Kanger was today. But I can't. Yes Kanger talked about playing all week, even called me about it (which I'm kicking myself for missing) but when the actual day rolled around, he was no where to be seen* or heard.

In the back of my mind I knew this was going to happen. Or not happen. So much for positive thinking.

Sure I was going to let it go and see if/when he contacted me to give me some excuse for his absence. But no. I'm not wired that way. I want to know reasons right then and there, so I texted him : Looks like I win by default.

I should have added: And you lose. You lose an amazing friend. But I didn't want to be too dramatic.

He texted me back that (at 4:30) he was just getting up and feeling terrible from the night before and he was sorry he missed our match.

It's called setting an alarm or not making plans for the next day if you anticipate a rough night out.

I told him no worries that I went victory shopping (which I did) instead but that I was looking forward to catching up. I hoped that he felt better and that if he wanted a rematch he should let me know but the ball was in his court.

I'm upset, yes, that after 2 months I didn't get to see him and catch up. It seems like a lot is going on with him and I'm still interested in his life. At this point I don't think I will ever see or hear from him again and that makes me sad. But at the same time, I don't deserve to be dicked around by someone that claims they want to be friends. I deserve to have someone equally interested in my life.

And honestly, if I were to have seen him today I think old feelings would have come up and started the heartache all over again and I don't really need that. It's been a long road with me trying to get over him but this time I'm actually going to do it.

First step: number deleted from phone...for real this time. I don't need it a) for a reminder of him when I scroll through my directory b) for drunken text messages.

As I stood at the top of Trafalgar Square steps this afternoon, with tears creeping down from under my sunglasses, I looked around at all of the happy couples and realized I deserve to be in an equal, loving relationship.

Like Mandy always says, if you were able to find something with someone you weren't meant to be with, imagine how it's going to be when you find the person you are supposed to be with. I'm thinking pretty amazing.

And now I'm finally ready to get out there again and find him.

*Just in case you're picturing me waiting by a set of tennis courts, checking my phone, and pacing anxiously back and forth, it didn't go down that way. We had a tentative time to meet somewhere-yet to be figured out- at around 3ish. Well you know the rest.

15 years my Senior

Thursday was....eventful to say the least.

I usually can remember the amount of shots and drinks I consume on a given night out...but not that night. COG and I were flirty flirty and I was desperately trying to keep it as secret as possible. But really when you're drinking how can you keep flirting and giving each other the "eyes" over drinks from people, other coworkers, around you.

I asked COG how old he thought I was and instead of trying to guess he told me he was 43 since that was really what I was getting at anyway. I mulled this over and in my drunken state this was okay to me. 15 years. No problem. Despite the fact that really he could have a 23 year old child if he had one at 20. Making his pseudo offspring 5 years younger than me...less of a gap. But I later found out he had an 8 year old daughter and has never been married. Phew! My drunken self thought it would be fun to see where adventures with an older man might go...who cares that I would have to see him everyday and that others where watching.

That's when the kiss(ing) happened. Luckily the others were equally as hammered and hopefully remember this as a hallucination. The kissing was quite good actually. Well would you expect anything less from someone with that much more experience on that? I think not.

Somehow it was 2am and we were heading back to my place after everyone had gone home. I promised myself that only kissing could happen. And that is exactly what went on but slept in my bed together naturally. You know me and sleeping with others in my bed. Did not go well and he snored. Negative.

We rode the train into work the next morning. COG was in his same clothes from the night before on casual friday! AHHHH. But no one said a thing and it turns out that a guy we were out with was so drunk he got sick in a cab! Someone was worse off than me!

There is a huge difference between a kiss and a kiss that could have had extreme dirty potential. Something about having COG's hands on my bum and kissing my neck in public. I'm sure I looked like a 28 year old tart. But you only live once.

Things are slightly awkward at work...you know having someone's tongue down your throat and all and telling them "This is really bad (situation)!" repeatedly...but I'm getting through it.

UPDATE: Not planning on dating COG but he did ask via email if "we will have another night out in London......or would that be bad?????". I think I'm "getting back together" with Kanger over the weekend to soften the blow...must be very careful with the situation at hand.

*I must tell you that while all of this was going on at the different pubs, I was texting back and forth with Kanger and talking shit about how I would totally kick his ass in tennis and that he must really be scared to lose to a girl. Needless to say we have been texting on and off since Thursday and he actually called me last night but my phone was off. But we have plans to have our match next Sunday afternoon. From what I've gathered from our texting, he quit his job and gave them a 2.5 month notice and is going traveling with his high school months for a couple of months after that and from what I deduce will be moving back to Oz after that. I'll get the full scoop next weekend. Really looking forward to seeing him.