Indubitably

I'm alive. I have just been trying to sort through all of this. I think I'm still in shock! I actually went on a date on Sunday afternoon with an English dude I met on Thursday night. Turns out...he's a babydaddy, too. Awesome!

Mandy told me to get the book "The Secret" that was on Oprah's book club. I must say it is very insightful and it's helping me to try to become a more positive person and not dwell on my misfortunes but to be thankful for what I do have. You should check it out! I'm becoming more aware of my thoughts and catching myself when I start to become negative. Hard work but I think it will produce great outcomes.

Listening to Counting Crows always helps, too!

Already started the process (Updated)

So I haven't heard from Kanger since Sunday when we parted on the train. So, I'm guessing (insert sarcasm here) that we aren't getting together tomorrow night for musical and sleep over. I just wish he would have told me it's not going to work instead of let me string you along and break your heart a little at a time. I'm so broken right now.

Why did I meet him and why did I fall so hard and let my guard down just to find out that he has baggage and could never give me what I needed out of a mate because his heart is already with someone else? But why make all these plans with me, ie tennis, musical, movies, etc. Why not just phase me out like normal people or actually say we can't date. Why was he even brought into my life. Isn't one heartache in the last 6 months enough?

And why is it that no matter which way I leave my flat I will be reminded of him. Turn right and it's [Kanger's Lastname] Avenue. Turn left and it's Kanger's company. Awesome, right? I have plans to go to my favorite pub on Saturday with friends and hopefully that will left my spirits.

*UPDATE*: When I got back from lunch today I received this email from Kanger. I think it's the closure I was looking for but I'm still sad things didn't work out and that he's a babydaddy. I would like to try to be friends with him so we will see how that goes on his effort and not mine.

Hey Texas,

How are you? Today has been better for me as I wasn’t at work yesterday (sick). I had time to think things through and what we spoke about on Sunday night. I’m sorry for putting this in an email but I find it’s the best way I communicate at times. I can’t commit myself to a relationship here given the uncertainty & given that you are a nice person I don’t want to hurt you as you have been in the past. I feel we both have some reservations & I guess it’s not a great way to get a relationship going. I still do want to stay friends & catch up, e.g. the long awaited tennis match (hopefully you won’t hit me with the racquet) and drinks etc but I just don’t think I’m ready for a relationship.

Kanger

This is what I replied:

Hey Kanger,

I hope you're feeling better. Thanks for being upfront and honest with me - I totally understand and agree with everything. I think you're a great guy and we always have so much fun and therefore would like very much to remain friends, too.

I hope you have an awesome time in Turkey! Would enjoy catching up about your trip over the infamous tennis match when you return - which I will win royally, of course! Safe travels and I'll talk to you (beat you) soon.

Texas

So the ball is in his proverbial court to be friends. In the meantime, I will be going out and meeting new boys this weekend!

Holy Shit.

I don't even know what to do with this...Okay...I'm wasted right now after spending hours with Kanger this afternoon. We went shopping for his racket and then we went to a pub for some drinks. Needless to say I got drunk and decided to call him out on ALL things that he has done the past few weeks. I told him he was hard to read and that is when he told me he

HAS A FOUR YEAR OLD DAUGHTER in Australia.

WTF? So it's sinking in and we talked about it and I was like as long as you aren't getting back together with the mom then we will see where this goes. But WTF? HE HAS A CHILD. How do I handle this? And while we were talking about all of this I interupted him and was like "Oh no, remember when you were in my hotel room and asked me about my car situation and I told you I still had it and that I was basically paying child support for it...I feel terrible now because I laughed and you didn't and I found it strange but now I understand." Brutal. So basically we talked about everything and he was like we will go to a play on Wednesday night and I'll bring my work clothes for the next morning. We shall see. I can't cut him off just yet because he has a child, can I? And the mom (my mom)...will not be knowing about this anytime soon.

After parting from Kanger on the train and trying to process all of this...two gay guys were sitting across from me quite drunk as well. Somehow one of them crossed their legs and flip his flip flop right next to my foot...accidentally of course. We all three thought this was the funniest thing ever and continued to laugh our heads off for 5 stops while trying to be quiet for the other passengers. My stop finally came up and I told them to try to keep their shoes in check. Cool moments laughing until you cry with complete and total strangers. I think I needed a moment of hilarity in this crazy situation I just stepped into.

Your thoughts please...

Beginning of Heartbreak (Updated)

Things are getting back to normal now that the fam has left London and my business trip is complete. Things with Kanger on the other hand still baffle me.

I didn't hear from him for a whole week and decided as a last ditch effort I would email him in case he thought I was pissed about him cancelling on me the previous weekend. (Series of emails between us-easier than paraphrasing).

From: Texas Cinderella
Sent: 10 April 2007
To: Kanger
Subject: Hello
Hey,
I hope you had a great holiday weekend. I just shipped the fam back home after having an awesome time with them-it's been a busy week of sightseeing and crazy antics! It was sad to see them go but now I'm able to enjoy my new flat (sans suitcases everywhere)! Just wanted to say hi and I hope you're having a good day.
TC

From: Kanger
Sent: 11 April 2007
To: Texas Cinderella
Subject: RE: Hello


Hi Texas,
I'm well after a great relaxing weekend. I didn't go away but had fun at the boat race. I've finally started my healthy eating & fitness program and I'm now leaving work between 5:30 & 6 everyday (well so far I did yesterday - work hasn't been the greatest lately)

It's great that you enjoyed the time with your mum and aunt. So how's the new place?
Sorry for not keeping in touch recently - I figured you'd have your hands full with your relatives.

From: Texas Cinderella
Sent: 11 April 2007 22:20
To: Kanger
Subject: RE: Hello

Sorry to hear work is still giving you troubles but good you are getting into some sort of normal routine. Hopefully they hired someone to help. The new place is good, although I've only spent one night there without peeps the day I moved in -I had to pop down to Paris for a meeting today but will be back to London Thursday morning- brutal business travel! We should totally catch up soon...

From: Kanger
Sent: 12 April 2007
To: Texas Cinderella
Subject: RE: Hello

Work is starting to pick up & leaving at a reasonable hour is helping.
Aren't we a little jet setter - 'off to Paris'. So how was Paris?

We should catch up - possibly that game of tennis I was going to win.

I've booked to go to the Grand National (horse racing) on Saturday - bus leaves at 7:30am & gets back to London 10:30pm.

To: Kanger
Sent: 12 April 2007
From: Texas Cinderella
Subject: RE: Hello

Such the jet setter! Paris was good but the meeting was killer. Glad to be back though.

If you call the score that’s going to be 6-0, 6-0 (advantage me, of course) “winning”- then bring it on! Just to warn you, I’ve been practicing and it’s ALL coming back to me. Scared yet? There is always that “Summer of ‘69” movie…(Reluctantly, advantage you).

The Grand National sounds like lots of fun! I remember you telling me about it. Who are you going with?

So he texted me later that night (his text came up 1 new message from Dick-that's about right):

K: How was your day? I just left work and I'm waiting for a haircut. i think i may let my tennis do the talking. i booked grand national with the tour group i'm going to turkey with. No1 was keen for the big trip so i just booked for myself. it's on my list of things to do in the uk

Being so utterly confused because he's been saying he's going to Turkey with his best friend and meeting a tour there I texted him:

TC: my day was busy but good considering the lack of sleep i've had. i'm so confused...i thought you were going to turkey with dave on a tour...you already know the people you're touring with? and who is Nol? hope the haircut went well and let me know when you would like to be defeated..

K: yeah dave and i are going to turkey together with a group called the fanatics. that's the group i'm off to grand national with and it was no-one. as 4 tennis i''m still yet to buy my racquet- mite b a sunday shopping job. then the games will begin. we'll have to do the movie soon as well.

Okay so I looked up this Fanatics group and it's basically an Australian run company that has crazy drinking tours with people our age. There goes my theory he would be with geriatrics for 9 days in Turkey. Awesome. And as far as no one being "keen" in going to grand nationals? Hello? We had a full conversation about how I like horse racing in my bed in which HE stayed for 12 hours.

TC: hmmm....got it. sometimes slow on the uptake of texting words. so you already met your tour group? if you need help picking out your racket Sunday let me know -or perhaps we could catch a movie...?

Silence and crickets yet again.

What the fuck is his deal? I'm so confused. He says he wants to do all these things with me (tennis and movie) yet no concrete plans are being made, hince my Sunday suggestion. And I think he leaves to go to Turkey in like a week. So if we don't see each other it will be over a month. OVER A MONTH since the last time we hung out. Who does that? Who spends an amazing 24 hours together and then pulls this shit. There is a process Kanger.

And the worst part is that I really like him...don't like how he's treating me right now but like him as a person and his personality when it's not Dick. So if and when he gets back to be to be vague again about getting together I'm going to tell him plain and simple that I don't play games that I know that we both had a blast the last time we hung out and am confused as to why he has a 180 turn around. Fuck it. Life is too short to wonder why. I'm all about closure and I have a feeling I'll have it soon. Sadness. I've lost my appetite. This is what happens when I get depressed-on the plus side my clothes are fitting rather nicely.

I'm sick of putting myself out there to have it all ripped from under me. And I'm sick of being tossed aside without the other person thinking of my feelings...have some tact.

UPDATE: Friday: So he texted me back that shopping on Sunday would be great and that we should have a late lunch to catch up. I haven't responded yet but I know I will go. But I WILL have my guard way up.

Saturday: He drunk dialed me from the Grand National and left a message...something about who sings the summer of '69 I think you might know. At least he's thinking of me while wasted.

Flat Out

Exhausted. It's 2am and I'm sitting in my new flat. I finally left the hotel after 4 months and I really miss my routine I had there. The first night anywhere in a new place is hard but when your mom and aunt are on their way, as we speak, the anxiety really sets in.

I'm signed up to be the navigator of London while my mom will act as tour guide for their visit. That's sure to be extremely exhausting days in my studio flat, no less. My friends from Nice are going to be in town as well as Melissa (This is it, seriously?) and I'm going to try with all of my might to meet up but the odds aren't looking up and I am disappointed that I might miss hanging out.

Once my mom and aunt leave on Wednesday, I have to hop on a 6am flight to Paris, travel the French countryside for a meeting and then return to London on Thursday. Somewhere in there I have to work on my interviewing skills as I'm a candidate for a permanent position here (in which I went behind my current department's back) although I'm not sure when I will have time to actually go on the interview.

And to add to all of the stress, Kanger is still MIA. And "I do really like u" keeps repeating in my head and playing mind games. Because really? REALLY? I'm actually excited for the distraction of not jumping every time my phone rings or checking to see if I have a new text message. Because if I did, Kanger's name has been officially changed to Dick.

"I do really like u"

This is the text I received at 4am on Sunday morning from Kanger after he dissed me to go to dinner and out with his old Australian boss that was in town. I would have totally been so understanding about his sudden change in plans had he told me as soon as he found out instead of me having to text him Saturday to see if we were still on to go to Kiwi's party.

He called right away from my text and tried to make small talk and then was like I found out Friday that Old Boss is going back to Australia on Monday and he wants to get together. I was like okay well maybe we can meet up later. He told me he would talk to his boss and get back to me. The boy never did. So I went to the party, proceeded to have a fairly good time considering the shittiness I was dealing with and got wasted. I was home by 1am and called my best friends in Texas to vent while crying, having had too much wine.

I got up on Sunday read the text ("hey, i'm so sorry about tonite. i hope u had a gr8 nite. i do really like u"), thought okay he's sorry surely he'll actually call today to reiterate his sorriness. I went for a run, went shopping, enjoyed the gorgeous weather and when I was home that night I texted him "Hi...just give me a ring later" after not hearing from him all day.

Silence and crickets folks.

I just don't get it. And to make matters worse, if he were to try to make it up to me next weekend, my mom and aunt are coming on Thursday so there's not really the option of even seeing him. In which case it will be 3 weeks of not seeing him by the time they leave. The momentum is being interupted yet again. I'm at a loss for understanding him and yet again brutally disappointed.