Another one bites the dust

I'm not going to lie, these past 2 weeks have been hard. Filled with anxiety and panic attacks and control issues. But it's done. And Graham and I are no longer. I'm not sure when or where it all went wrong but it just was not to be. And I think I held onto it longer than I should because of the lines he fed me on the future and being on the same page, etc. I wasn't in love with him but in love with the idea of being in love with him. Something just wasn't clicking and I thought it was because we were spending too much time together and if he was at his new job it would be different but now I see that wasn't the case. He ticked all of my boxes:
cute
smart
funny
good dresser
good family values
older
educated
cultured
tall
successful
etc.

Except one. It felt forced and not effortless. And in the end I saw his true character and selfishness.

And I know I'll find this again with someone else but it just stings a little and I'm trying to work through it. I'm also slightly freaking out because I turn 30 in 30 days and I have nothing to show for it. (I thought I'd be married with 3 kids by the time I was 30). Plus I'm in a wedding with all of my close friends in a couple of weeks and I'm still the single girl in the room waiting to catch the bouquet -with the failed relationships under her belt.

I'm already picking up the pieces (deleted him from my phone, erased emails, his songs on my ipod) and I'm trying to sort through everything so that I don't dwell too long. It will take time and I will survive...I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Starting over...

with Graham.

The past few weeks have been bumpy. The first weekend Graham got back from his trip, he was really sick and therefore we couldn't go out. This was frustrating but he was sick and there wasn't anything we could do about it. Then last weekend our schedules didn't match as I had plans with friends on Friday night and he had plans with friends on Saturday. Again frustrating but we compromised and promised to meet up after our friends on Friday. That's never a good combination with drinking, RAGING PMS, and frustration of not really connecting. Sure we see each other every single day but even that is hard because we have to be professional and reading the other person becomes tricky. So there was a fight at 2am and then we were supposed to see each other on Sunday but because of the fight, it didn't happen. He was mad at me for Friday and I was feeling blah because I felt he wasn't making an effort. So we talked about it on Monday and things seemed to be okay but I couldn't sleep all week because it just felt off. Which brings me to tonight. We were supposed to be on a date but we decided not to see each other until later on next week.

I think seeing each other Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday for 9 hours a day, sitting on the same floor 30 feet apart and then on Saturday and Sunday has taken its toll. It wasn't a normal relationship and it was oversaturation. I tried to overcompensate to make things right and find a connection by riding home with him after work about 3 times a week, so tack on an additional in your face 40 minutes. Our time together was being taken for granted.

The silver lining is that he starts a new job on Monday. We've decided to give it a fresh start. I wish he would have left 1 month into our dating when things were light and fun and exciting but right now it just needs time to heal. I really want it to work but I need to be met halfway and not feel like I'm forcing it. So I'm letting him take the lead and see where this goes...again.

Introducing Grexas

Conversation during tea(him)/hot chocolate(me) after dinner last night:

Graham: ...so you and Trey (childhood friend) are close. Does his wife mind?

Texas: His wife, Pam, is really cool and it's not like I talk to him all the time. Just random emails here and there. I, of course, see them when I'm home and it always feels like I never left. They're really cute together and all of our friends refer to them as "Tram" like Bennifer or Brangelina.

Silence...

Graham: So our name would be Grexas.

My heart seriously leapt out of my chest and onto the table!