Lady Lump(s)

While home for the holidays, I've been visiting my doctors left and right to get them out of the way before I head back to London. Ear nose and throat doctor here, dentist there, yearly women's exam somewhere in between. During this visit, my doctor felt a lump-type thing on my left boob. She said it's probably nothing. Maybe calcium deposits or breast tissue. But I can't help to have every thought in the book fly through my head right now. And the hours until my ultrasound results are revealed to her and she calls me on my cell phone tomorrow are excruciating. I'm trying to hold it together in front of my parents who are fear stricken but it's getting harder. The "what ifs" are endless and have a 50% chance of becoming very real...

American Girl

After 6 weeks in London, I will be returning to the US tomorrow for 2 action packed busy weeks then heading back to England for another stint. I'm super excited to see my friends and family. After all of the emotional drama of the past month, I'm looking forward to compartmentalizing and leaving all of it behind.

There is a new potential boy that sits diagonal from me and I hadn't mentioned him before because all we had spoken was "Hello" and "Goodnight"-until today. As I was passing by his desk and saying goodbye, he asked me if I was coming in to the office tomorrow. I explained that I was heading back the the US but I would be back at the beginning of the new year. I asked where he was from-granted I knew all of this info because I'm sneaky like that-Norway. He is super cute with dark hair and piercing blue eyes that were mesmerizing while we spoke along with his adorable accent. I threw in that when I returned I want to go to Sweden to visit the "Motherland", trying to emphasize to him that I am (part) Scandinavian, too. He started asking all these questions about what city and of course I had no clue and had to wing it...note to self: research material!!! So I have something to look forward to when I return. We shall call him Norwegy!

Can't wait to eat Mexican food and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Both are totally NOT the same here. I just hope I can make it out of this London fog!

The response

I was about to leave work when I got this email:

Dear Texas Cinderella,
I read your email some days ago, and I received your messages on my mobile...
...the truth is that I needed some time to think about that weekend before reply.

I spent a great time with you, but I honestly didn't feel like your boyfriend, therefore sometime I took some "strange" decisions (not to sleep with you (spend the night), and not to dedicate 24 hours a day).
It was a great pleasure to take you around in Florence, but I hope you will try to understand me: I haven't come back with my girlfriend, but maybe I'm not ready to have a new one, and maybe my mind is still flying who-know-where...

Kisses,
Gianluca.

I have all of these feelings inside that I don't know what to do with. Did he not read the part of my email that said "no strings attached"? I didn't ask him to be my boyfriend that weekend but to spend a little more time with someone that flew down to hang out with him. Is it too much to ask for someone to stay a little longer than 20 minutes after sex than to flee because they didn't want to wake up next to me? I mean is it in there culture that if you spend the night you are girlfriend and boyfriend? In America, it's called "Shacking" with the perks of morning sex. Part of me wants to set him straight. Part of me doesn't.

Now that I'm thinking about it, when we were in Houston together and we were cuddling and I asked for a t-shirt to sleep in, he was like, "Are you spending the night?". I was like "Yeah, it's 3:30am and not safe for me to be driving around" and we just messed around mother fucker.

Then there is the whole concept that he and his sister lived in the SAME room growing up until 4 years ago when she got married and moved out. He told me he missed her not being in the room with him. WTF?

I think I would have taken his response better if he told me he did indeed have a girlfriend.

UPDATE: I've decided to NOT reply to his email to set him straight...I'll chalk it up to bad timing.

Hypothetical

What if say you got a read receipt on Thursday saying that a certain Italian asshole had read your email, in which you just wanted one little answer (a week and A DAY after you sent it) and didn't grace you with a response. And what if that actually didn't bother you until Saturday after you had half a bottle of wine and two rum and Diet Cokes. And what if you were not in your right frame of mind and decided it would be a great idea to text said asshole:

Did you get my email? you think i'll get some sort of reply....i deserve that much don't you?

And then after thinking about what you just sent, you decided that you were tired of being Mr. Nice Guy and sent another text so that it would hit home with him and he would text you back:

Or che cazzo fucking voui? (Translation: why are you being a fucking dick?)

And what if you woke up on Sunday cursing yourself for doing this and ended up NOT receiving a response.

And what if you erased his number from your phone and promised yourself to never do that ever again?

Would you feel better or more frustrated that the bastard hasn't written you an email OR texted you back and you now have the fear that you will never know the whole story of what went on that weekend-behind your back? Would you get the feeling that it's not even worth his time to get back to you? After you slept with him AND spent money to fly down to see him, that he could just cast you aside like last week's garbage?

Or would your self esteem and self worth continue to plummet?


UPDATE: And what if you were texting with your friend Mandy on Saturday night as well and found out today that she replied back to all of your text messages even though you didn't get a single one on your flipping international phone? Would you want to rip your hair out? Would crazy thoughts that the asshole could possibly have responded and given you some sort of closure flood your mind? Would the fact that you don't have missing text messages in your inbox drive you nuts?

Party Crackers and Paper Hats

After spending several weeks in my very own "the office" environment with loud blowing of the noses, political incorrectness and moody coworkers, I decided to attend the "Christmas Do" for a little while. Let's just say that once the alcohol was flowing, those otherwise boring people come out of their shell and become the life of the party. We literally were kicked out of the pub. These are tidbits of occurances throughout the night.

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I chatted up a very cute, in a New England kind of way but actual England, coworker that works in another building that I don't work directly with, all night. He was very attentive and made sure that my drink was never empty and we had a great time in the group we were hanging out in. While walking to the wrong tube stop (actually it went to my hotel but there was another line that was quicker) in order to spend more time with him, this is the conversation that transpired while I went "fishing"...

Bloke: The real estate in this area is outrageous.
TC: Really? Do you own a flat in the city?
Bloke: No. I rent.
TC: Do you share the rent with roommates?
Bloke: No. I don't have any flatmates.
TC: Hmmmmmmmm.
Bloke: ....I do have a live-in girlfriend....
TC: Ahhhhhh. Well that classifies as a flatmate I suppose!

What the F? It never fails. The Bloke and I did however email back and forth the next day.

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Boss: I've been trying to talk to you all night but you've been hanging out with those guys. (while placing his hands on waist)How are you liking it here?
TC: Ha! (nervous laughter) I really like it and hope to make it a permanent gig.
Boss: Where are you staying right now in town?
TC: At The Hotel on Kensington Street.
Boss: Really that's nice. What room number?
TC: Ha Ha! (nervous laughter). So work is going really well....
Boss: after talking about work for a while...So what was that room number again? I need to talk to you about some more work stuff...
TC: I think I need a refill on my drink....excuse me.

Mind you he has a girlfriend and is about 40ish and not my type. Although he is HILARIOUS and he could have been joking but who really knows. The best quote of the night from him regarding someone teasing him that he was gay- "No, I'm a fan of the funnel. Not the tunnel". Classic!

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Kiwi and I were on the same tube going home which took us way longer than it should have since we got on the wrong one with the other guys. Kiwi was out of his gord drunk and kept running around the station. It was about 12:30am and I was being eyed by the other crazy drunk stragglers as a piece of drunk meat. Or so my paranoid drunkness was telling myself. Kiwi called up his Columbian girlfriend and started speaking spanish to her. I have to admit that I was extremely impressed with myself that I could understand about 95% of what was being said. Enough really to throw up in my mouth a little each time he told her "Yo quero mucho, mucho, mucho.." Followed by loud smooching noises. I heard him say that I couldn't understand him into the phone and I was like "Kiwi, yes I can actually!". "Fuck!" is all he yelled very loudly in the tube car.

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My Houston coworkers happened to be in the elevator bank of our hotel at 1:30 in the morning drunk as well. One of the senior guys lips were so red from drinking wine it looked like he had lipstick on. It was hilarious and I couldn't keep a straight face when talking to him.
TC: So what were they serving at your Christmas Do, white wine?
Coworker: Oh no! Not at all. They had red wine.
TC: Really? No way!
Other coworker: (Laughing her ass off)
TC: ....I know...I can tell.
Coworker: Fuck!

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All this drinking cannot be good for the Italian baby my mom is convinced I am now carrying....Awesome!

Fitting

LOVE SONG FOR NO ONE (John Mayer)

Staying home alone on a Friday
flat on the floor looking back
on old love
or lack thereof

After all the crushes have faded
and all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here

Searching all my days to find you
not sure what I'm looking for
I'll know where
when I see you

Until then I'll hide in my bedroom
just staying up all night just to write
a love song
for no one

I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
could I have missed my chance and watched you walk away

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
could I have missed my chance and watched you walk away

I'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here
so tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here

you'll be so good
you'll be so good for me
I know you'll be so good
for me
for me

I retract my last statement

On my mom handling my trip to Italy really well. Seems she has had a delayed reaction to the whole thing. I spoke with her this morning and she told me how she isn't sleeping well because she is afraid I am preggers. And that I should be the one to tell my dad. And she can't believe I "treated" myself that way...i.e. sleeping with someone that isn't my boyfriend. WTF? She told me all of this while I was at work and in an open concept environment therefore my righteous anger could not be satisfied on telling her off. I told her I had to go and hung up.

This is why I always regret telling her things. She throws whatever it is back in my face. And as if I didn't feel bad enough about the whole italy fiasco she has to put salt in my bleeding wounds. Argh!

The mom knows

I had to break down and tell her. I kept thinking something bad was going to happen to my parents all week to the point where I would wake up in a cold sweat and pray that nothing would indeed happen. This was spurred by her thinking I was down about being in London instead of Gianluca. She took it so much better than I thought.

TC: I have something I need to tell you...
Mom: ummm.....yeeeesssss??? What did you do?
TC: Well you know i turned 28 last week and I'm a grown up and I'm talking to you right now and I'm alive, right?
Mom: Yes...What is it TC?
TC: I went to Italy last weekend and that is why I was so vague [last weekend].
Mom: ------
TC: And I didn't lie I just kept it from you guys because I didn't want you to worry.
Mom: okay...have you kept other things from me?
TC: No, this was the first thing and I couldn't sleep all this week and so I needed to get it off my chest.
Mom: You aren't going to be pregnant are you? YOuaren'tpregnantareyou???
TC: Noooooo. I'm not talking to you about that but I'm a very careful person.
Mom: Well I'm just disappointed that you are having casual sex.
TC: I didn't have sex with him when he was in Houston in July (because condoms were not present) and I've been talking to him for the past 6 months so I hardly call it a one night stand...[I call it a wham bam thank you but I'm going to my girlfriend's house now stand-but I digress]
Mom: Well as long as you aren't pregnant.
TC: Again, I'm not... (please do not let me be preggers with the asshole's child!)
Mom: I can't find my makeup bag.
TC: Mom?
Mom: Right sorry. So will you sleep better now?
TC: Yes!

She totally ADD'd out and was totally cool about it. I finally was able to get my frustration out about how I thought it was going to go another way and now he is out of my system and why am I still alone while everyone else is paired off...The typical poor pitiful me routine. She made me feel better and told me to enjoy life now and not to worry about finding someone and that the right person would find me.

It's just easier said than done....

Where Disappointment and Regret Collide

I've gotten mixed reviews on if I should or shouldn't send this email, but after thinking about it, I decided it needs to be done. I may or may not get an answer back but at least he won't think I'm an American doormat.

Drumroll, please....

The email:

Gianluca,

Thank you so much for showing me around your beautiful city. Florence is amazing and all of the places you took me to eat were delicious! I had a really good time and I’m glad we were able to meet again. I would have never had the opportunity to see Florence in that much detail and I really thank you.

That being said, I walked away from Florence a little puzzled. I actually wasn’t going to write this email but I didn’t want you to think of me as the stupid, gullible American.

A couple weeks ago when you said you would be free for me, I figured we would spend more than the time we ended spending together. Several times, I got the feeling that while your body was present, your mind was away and you seemed distant. I realize there was a little language barrier and our real personalities could not fully show through- I saw a little more of yours when you were on the phone with your friends- but I kept getting the feeling at times that you were forced to be around me. I find it odd that after “certain things happened” between us, you had several excuses of why you couldn’t stay the night.

I’m actually more confused of Saturday afternoon. I understand that you had errands to run, but did you really have to buy furniture for hours on the one weekend I was in town to see you?

Perhaps you got back together with your girlfriend. Or perhaps you misread my intentions of going to Florence to just have a great time with a great guy- no strings attached- and wanted to distance yourself. (My philosophy is: You only live once).

Perhaps so many things…but whatever sincere insight you can provide me into what was going on with you would be appreciated. However hurtful or painful the answers may be, anything will be better than this feeling I have that I repulsed or offended you in some way.

I’m not seeing this as the glass half full or the glass half empty, I really enjoyed the time you afforded me. I just want to feel a little better than the way I left Italy feeling…

Texas Cinderella

empty

Where do I even begin? Let’s start with Friday shall we? I haven't edited this but I need your advice on what to do and I just had to get it out...promise I will edit later. I apologize for it being so rough. and the tenses not matching.

Friday:

Arrive a little late to Florence and run around my hotel room trying to get ready by 8pm, cut myself shaving, slap on makeup, fix my hair. Then Gianluca called and asked "Half eight, right?". Fine, it gave me a little longer to go back and fix my makeup and fix my hair and fix my bleeding legs. I put on a black wrap sweater that accentuated my cleavage and my Armani exchange jeans that I can now fit into thanks to the London diet of crap. I looked hot, if I do say so myself and I was ready to make my debut to Gianluca again.

He called me from the lobby that he was there and I walked down. We gave each other the euro-both sides of the cheek-kiss. Side note: I detected a bit of halitosis’s. No problem. He was looking HOT and irresistible. We walked to a restaurant and I have to admit that in the first five minutes it was little awkward. His English was not as great as I remember. Don't get me wrong it is very good but getting a sense of humor across and personality was hard. On both parts.

So the restaurant was great (Agua de due) and the conversation okay. I kept consuming the delicious red wine and we talked about work... our key tie to each other. It was kind of like I was asking all of the questions and not getting any reciprication at all. But I chalked it up to the language barrier. We decided to go to some bars and he was a little more touchy feely with me at that time.He was gazed into my eyes and told me how beautiful I was, blah blah blah. I was drunk by this point and we made out in the bar and he was like, "I think we should go back to the hotel now" and I was like one more bar...shoot I'm not that easy! (On a side note it had been a VERY long time since the last "encounter" with my exboyfriend and I could wait a little longer).

We went to another bar with live music and started kissing again. We finished our drinks and decidef to head back to my hotel. We kissed and groped each other the whole way. My head was spinning from the alcohol but I remember getting into my room and he started to take off his own clothes...I flipping hate that shit. I was like no...but the clothes were off so fast and I grabbed a condom...I went prepared. And basically it was over before it ever began. He was spent but I managed to "wake" him up 20 minutes later for round 2. We were cuddled together and he was drifting to sleep so I decided to take my contacts out and get back into bed for a night of spooning. Five minutes later he told me he had to go home. That he was tired and the he needed to sleep in his own bed. It was around 2:30am. I was like what the fuck? You're kidding right? No he wasn't. There was pillow talk in Houston. No pillow talk in Florence. And I flipping paid for 2 people in a room for him to stay. He told me he was free for me this weekend two weeks ago. Whatever...I was drunk, I let him go and he said he would call me at around 1pm on Saturday.

SATURDAY

I set my alarm around for noon so that i would have enough time to get ready and meet Gianluca for 1pm. I didn't hear from him by 1pm so i went exploring on my own and figured i would tell him where i was and he could just meet me. Well my phone didn't ring until 2:30 and he said he wouldn't be able to meet me until 5pm because he was outside of florence shopping for furniture. For his parents house. That he has lived in for the past 30 years. ANd Saturday of all days he just had to go "shopping". Shady occurence number 2. I was pissed and told him I thought we were going to spend the day together and he was like we are at 5pm. I was sooo frustrated and getting hit on by all sorts of italian men but i pushed on and explored the city on my own. I took fabulous pics and will upload them soon.

I go back to my hotel and get ready for my 5pm time slot. He shows up we peck on the lips and we walk. The is a city center that everyone just strolls around and that is what we did. In my boots. My feet were killer. While on the stroll we run into his ex-girlfriend from 3 years ago. He doesn't introduce me. I just stand there. Awesome. She finally leaves and we wonder some more. And we were close to my hotel so we go up so I can switch my shoes. He puts the moves on me and we are making out on the couch. Now remember how aunt flow appeared. Well she dissappeared on Friday night and reappeared on Saturday but only for a second. So he was trying to go that way and I was like let me check something. There was no sign of it anywhere and we could continue. He looked at me like he didn't want to touch me with a ten foot pole and there was no foreplay to the wham bam thank you ma'm on the couch.

We had reservations at 8:30pm and on the way to the restaurant he makes and takes several phone calls. He is laughing, his voice is changing to reflect feeling. A personality is there. But again the language barrier is not showing that through. On one of these calls I SWEAR i translated "later tonight" but I will never know. We have dinner the conversation is actally flowing. We talked about favorite movies and music. There is wine. He tells me that he is really happy that I came to florence to visit. I say i'm glad he was free and that his girlfriend and him broker up. I verify that they did in fact break up and he says of course, she would be looking for me while I was with you. Actually you could have totally hung out with her too with the amount of time spent with me..but i say nothing. Oh i forgot to mention that we go halvsies on everything. Strange maybe that is the culture there. We go to a bar around the corner and are tlaking and enjoying ourselves and in my buzzed state i'm like your staying over tonight right? he was like no i can't because i have to get up early for church and i have a headache. WTF??? I got pouty. He was like don't see it as the glass half empty see it as half full. I wanted to be like see this american money and shove it up your ass. But i refrained. Just pouted and asked what time he would see me on Sunday. He said 2pm because he had to eat lunch. I had to leave at the airport at 3:30pm and said here's a crazy thought why don't we eat lunch together. he walked me to my hotel and kissed me goodnight on the street and was determined not to come up for even 10 minutes. I go to my room and am a little emotional about all of this. What is going on?

SUNDAY

He comes by at 1pm and he is very distant. Like he is not all there. And he doesn't say a single word unless I asked him questions and there were plenty of opportunities for him to ask me questions. but no. We finally find a place to eat adn he comments that i don't eat enough. Maybe when I'm stressed because of YOU i loose my appetite. I blame it on the london food and how my stomach is smaller because of it. slightly true actually. So we walk around and finally it is time for me to go and as we are walking he tells me not to be sad. and i'm like i'm not sad. He tells me we will keep in touch and that he is glad I came. yeah really looked like it. We kiss goodbye. there is no tongue. He regulates this. His mouth is a fortress. and we look at each other and I know I will never see him again and we will probably never talk.

I am pissed. I spent a total of 16 hours out of the 48 hours I was there with him. And if he had a girlfriend why couldn't he have just said so instead of making all of the ridiculous excuses. Also there was no riding on the Vespa. He didn't have an extra helmet. Strange? yes. I want to write him and email and be like that just isn't right what you did. I thought you were sincere but now i know. i am beside myself. What do i do? I know in my gut there was a girlfriend somewhere in there. and if not and i send him soemthing and he is just plain wierd then i look like a lunatic. I feel empty inside. I need answers or at least tell him he was in the wrong. Help!!