Great Expectations

I sometimes hear people say that they don't have expectations so that they are therefore not disappointed in life. Is it really possible to not have expectations? Even in the back of your mind? If so, what is the secret?

Complex

I "saw" Gianluca on Saturday morning through webcam. He contacted me first and I happened to be in my room at the time so I thought what the heck. I had just gotten out of the shower and didn't straighten my hair so it was drying in soft blonde waves and looked pretty good. Not my normal straight hair that he met me in or saw the last time we chatted.

Talks of Canada or Italy did not come up (although "something else" did, if you catch my drift...). This was only the second time of me doing this crazy deed with him. The spectacle was cut short by his grandfather, who was supposed to be asleep, trying to talk to Gianluca. He told me that he would get back online when he got back from going out and before I was due to go out for my night.

I left my computer online and when he never showed, I went out. Thinking when I got back that morning I would have a message on my computer screen. Nope. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and figured Sunday we would for sure chat and laugh about the close call with Gramps. Monday rolls around. Nothing. Tuesday morning comes by and still not a thing! So I decide to shoot him an email. (I put a read receipt on it and know he for sure got it).

To: Gianluca
From: Texas Cinderella
Subject:
Hello, Stranger!

Silence and crickets.

And it's still silent over here. What the F? Who does that? Who contacts you for some cross the pond "booty call" and then doesn't respond to you? Now I feel so incredibly stupid. I mean did he not like what he saw? I'm so glad that I didn't buy that ticket to Canada or Italy for that matter. What a freaking waste that would have been. Travel 16 hours to find out he has a girlfriend that he was cyber cheating on with me.

So now with the money I could have blown, I think I will buy myself a Gucci bag. Because hey, if I can't be with an Italian, I might as well wear one, right? And at least this Italian will be around for years to come.

North

Today is a very sad and monumental day in America. Five years ago today, terrorists were introduced to our lives and we learned to fear them. I know everyone remembers where they were that fateful day; like our parents remember where they were when Kennedy was shot. I was in New York City.

I had just arrived a month prior for my internship in the Public Relations department of Vera Wang. I woke up that day, got dressed and turned on my tiny TV, from the KMart at Astor Place, to the local news. I saw that the first tower was on fire and had been struck by an airplane. My first thought was what a freak accident. When I saw the actual second plane hit...I knew something was terribly wrong.

I walked North to the Garment District and arrived to find my coworkers crying and panicking, desperate to get a hold of loved ones that worked downtown. We tried our best to console them. The phones were all messed up and no one could get through. My parents were trying to get through to me and when my cell phone would finally work again 8 hours later, I would have a full mailbox of family and friends trying to verify I was safe and alive.

After the company decided it was safe and released us, my good friend, LB and I made our way to her apartment on 82nd and Amsterdam. The walk was so surreal. New York sidewalks were usually filled with people traveling all different directions. But today everyone traveled the same direction, away from the towers. North.

We passed Lincoln Center that was acting as a Red Cross command post with lists and lists of strangers names. The missing.

I will never forget the smell in the air that filled our lungs and reminded us of the reality of the horrendous events surrounding all of Manhattan and the World. It smelled of burnt flesh and ash. It would linger in the air for weeks. And in my memory forever.

Never have I felt so trapped. The rest of America could turn off their 24 hour coverage of Ground Zero. Let it absorb and sink in. Once we turned the television off we would hear the sirens of another fire station heading downtown at all hours. Walking outside, everyone's faces were the same. Shock and pain. There was no laughing or loud talking. The city was a terrible shade of gray.

Slowly New York got it's color back. Not all of it's fabulous luster. It would be impossible to do that with the 3,000 innocent strangers missing. But it began to return to it's best rendition of normalcy.

I completed my internship and two years later, I returned to the city to live. I would often make my way South with the tourists to Ground Zero to pay my respects. I would find myself transported back to 2001. Silence and somber looks.

We are making our way from the shadows of the unfathomable and having faith that no such monstrosity will ever happen again. We travel. North.

Rearranging

It seems that Gianluca's meeting has been extended a day and he is leaving a day earlier than hoped. Therefore, if I were to go all the way to Canada, I would be essentially bunking out in his hotel room while he has meetings all day. At night, he may or may not have to go to "business dinners" so I could possibly be left in the hotel room at night too. It's not like I would be in Toronto and be able to sightsee and use mass transportation. I would be an hour outside of it in Peterborough and it seems their main source of entertainment is a...bridge. Plus, I'm not too keen on the idea of looking like an American hooker in front of his colleagues. Hmmmm.

I came up with the great idea of going to Italy instead for a week. (I know, I know...but I love Europe and I have more flexibility and time to take off). We would have more time together other than at, er, night and he could be my personal tour guide. I suggested this option and he seemed more than pleased. Of course, I had to ruin all of this by asking my anal retentive questions to second guess his decision. I'm a little scared to book my ticket and plan for a week in November to only have his company ship him away on a business meeting. So I thought I could tell him to ask for days off now in order to insure that he had plans already on the calendar and that they would work around it. Obviously things don't work that way in Italy and he would not be able to ask for time off until October. Another Hmmmm. I tend to over analyze and not think things through sometimes and I could easily reschedule my ticket for another date if that were to happen, right?

We ended our conversation by me telling him to "Please think about it seriously before I get my ticket..." We are supposed to talk more about it tomorrow. I just hope I haven't put doubts in his head about me coming and about how neurotic I truly am!