Suffocating in doubt

Hi all...sorry it's been soooo long. I had every intention to write while I was recovering but then my 5 weeks off work went by in a blur and here I am. It's been a pretty bad summer....one of the worsts yet.

Here it goes:

1.) My grandfather died 2 weeks ago to his battle with cancer. I flew back for the funeral and it was all surreal. It's not really real to me and I think it's weird that I haven't cried, really cried, since my hysterical sobbing at the cemetery. Christmas is not going to be the same nor is my life. From being an active, hilarious, golf playing, world traveling grandfather to one that I would speak to laying in a hospital bed to weak to even carry on a 2 minute conversation (that killed me). I must have done all of my crying the 2 weeks before his death but I still tear up. I'm just sad that my future husband* and children will never know such a hilarious man.

2.) I'm healing fine. I can now work out and am walking around normal but still have a tiny pooch that will go down with exercise and still a little sore. I'm glad the doctor got all the fibroids out but stressed to know I have endometrosis which also effects getting pregnant. Which I'm not and even if I was trying...which leads me to

3.) Boys. I could have really used bear hugs and back rubs during this time (of my grandfather) but boys basically suck right now. Have I told you how sick I am of guys promising me the world and then not delivering? Well, I am. And I just feel like I'm not worth the effort for these guys to be in a relationship. I went out with Safa and his friends and after chatting and a few cocktails I learned that surprise surprise he's not going to Bali anytime soon and when I asked him why we weren't dating then (since that was his reason for bailing) he said he was "comfy". Can I tell you how much I HATE that word? So basically he's comfortable hanging out with his friends and drinking and doesn't feel like I'm worth the effort. I'm also sick of having communication via text/email only in between seeing them in person. You can't build a relationship on this. I also don't know what to do with "I haven't counted you out (dating you)" said by another bozo. Then get off your flipping ass and actually date me.

I know what I want out of life but I'm overwhelmed with fear of getting cancer, not finding my soul mate and having kids (at a reasonable age). I'm also stressed with the time difference and trying to connect with my friends to find out how their lives are going...and I know it shouldn't be all on me to make the effort but I'm the one that chose to live here.

A little down in the dumps, which is not to say that I'm not going out...which I am a lot actually. Trying to keep myself occupied with friends and work. I just hope time heals all of this and I can be truly happy sans medication.

See you on the flip side

Well hello there. Lots has been happening since I got back from the states a couple weeks ago. Firstly, it turns out that my grandfather has Stage 4 cancer and it is in his lungs, hip and lymph nodes. He is undergoing radiation and chemo and seems to be in good spirits. He hasn't had any bad reactions to the chemo which is good and I hope he starts to feeling better but I know that it will get worse before it gets better. I'm trying to stay positive because I feel like it really is mind over matter.

Secondly, I'm going in to the hospital tomorrow to give birth to my fibroids via c-section. I'm super duper nervous but in the last couple of weeks I've been increasingly more and more uncomfortable. Just want the surgery to be over with and the healing to begin. My mom got in today and will be here for the next 2 1/2 weeks to help me. I'm off work for a month and while that sounds great, I know it will be extremely painful. Ahhhhhh!

Thirdly, on the boy front it's kind of eh... Saf is about to loose his job and then go traveling (as we had already discussed) and can't start a relationship right now knowing that he's leaving. We both handled it very well and he really is a great guy. I know I'll see him in the future because we have so many mutual friends but also because he wants to stay in touch and already has by checking on me before my surgery. Richie and I went out on Thursday night and while I had fun, I just know in the back of my mind that he's a bit of a player. I told him about my surgery and he said he would come over and cook for me so I'll just have to wait and see when and if he follows through. I'm also in the mindset that I can't really start anything right now because I'm going to be on house arrest (not really) but out of commission for a while. So my feeling right now is indifferent. Richie is a very good kisser but he totally gave me beard burn to the point that my lips are peeling like crazy. My mom looked at me funny and asked what were wrong with my lips and what I'd put on them to make them flake. That was an awkward turtle conversation!

So I'm sure I'll be blogging a lot more since I won't be so busy running around trying to get everything done before I'm moving like a snail. Hope all is well and see you on the flip side.

Goings Ons

Sorry I've been m.i.a. I've had a lot going on with work and personal stuff....here's the run down:

1) My grandfather may have lung cancer and kidney cancer. He is undergoing several biopsy’s to figure out what is wrong with him. He’s only 80 and we’re very close so this is hitting me especially hard.

2) I have to have a c-section sometime in the near future to take out fibroid tumors in my uterus and one that is pressing on my bladder. I went to the gyno because I was having irregular and brutal/painful periods and they did an ultrasound and MRI and came to this conclusion. My mom is going to have to come over for 2 weeks to help me as I will not be able to walk/work for 4 weeks. Not looking forward to it but if it will let me have a baby in the future then so be it. I had my appendix taken out laproscopically and that hurt like a biotch with 3 tiny incisions in my stomach muscles…I can only imagine what a 6 inch gash is going to feel like.

3) Of course I’ve finally mastered the art of dating; ie dating multiple people and just having fun (in a non sexual way). I’m in the narrowing down phase but it really has taken the pressure and usual psycho analyzing out of the equation and I’m actually able to enjoy dating again.
The contenders are:
Saf (South African) – The very same from February that I peed in the bush with. I randomly met up with him and some of his friends a couple of weeks ago. Needless to say Saf was three sheets to the wind and professed that we needed to date. The only consolation is that he may or may not loose his job soon and if he does then he’s off to Bali to surf for 6 months. We went out a couple of times before he left for Germany for 2 weeks to cycle the Danube river. He’s very outdoorsy and very funny and I can't wait for him to come back.
Richy (British) – nickname because he owns 3 companies and wined and dined me when we went out. I met him in March at a bar and gave him my card but didn’t go out with him until the beginning of May. We had a great time but I have this feeling he’s a player…35 still single and cash to burn. He keeps telling me he wants to see me but is yet to make plans to actually do it. He does call so that's good...but maybe not enough. He's too busy hanging out at Richard Branson's house it seems. All games and I’m not having it really.
Bartender (Aussie)– my flatmate and I had a cinco de mayo party a couple weeks ago and we went to our local pub beforehand for dinner/stomach lining. The cute Australian bartender and I had been making eyes at each other for about a month so I got up the courage to ask him how to make a margarita. He didn’t know how but I somehow invited him to our party and clichély gave him my number on a cocktail napkin. He had to go out with friends that night but he texted me and sometime in the future I’m sure I’ll try his concoction of a margarita.

4.) Is it bad that I'm stressing out that my dating life will go to pot when I have my surgery? My friends say that will be the true test of character for the person I'm dating and how they handle the situation. Blah.

5.) I’m going to Boston on Thursday to visit my friend Christina and her husband and meet their little 1 ½ year old daughter, Paige. They have another one on the way and I’m excited to hang out in Beantown. Hello lobster rolls and clam chowder! I was supposed to stay until Sunday but have changed my ticket to fly down to New Orleans on Saturday - Monday to spend time with my parents and grandparents. The grandparents don’t know that I have to have the surgery but I wanted to see my grandfather while I was in the states in case (heaven forbid) something were to happen while I’m laid up in bed and can’t fly home. I’m surprising them so hopefully they like they’re treat!

6.) Other than that, I’ve been hanging out with friends, working a lot and going to concerts like a fiend.

I missed you guys!

Positive Thoughts/Prayers Needed

I've been super busy with work but wanted to take time to ask you guys to please send positive thoughts to Golightly. She was in a very bad car accident a little over a week ago and hasn't woken up yet. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

It's funny that I've never met her but I know almost every detail about her life and she mine, through blogging. She's one of the people that I know I can count on and look forward to hearing her opinion on whatever is going on in my life at the time. I have to keep praying that one day she'll be back with her witty comments and sage advice. She has a wedding to plan and so much to live for. It really makes you sit up and think that everything can change in an instant.

For updates please visit: http://pecosgirl.blogspot.com/